No Regrets

Chapter 13: Dealing with Depression

Apparently I was not going to escape the toll that my husband Leo’s stroke had taken on me. One day about four months later, I woke up with a terrible feeling of anxiety. But I did not know what I was anxious about. The whole day, all sorts of strange things were going on in my mind. I was not able to sleep and I asked my daughter Mary Lou to take me to a psychiatrist. I thought I was losing my mind. The doctor, Baltazar Reyes, gave me a sedative and other medicines and we went home expecting some relief.

But the next day was even worse. I had the feeling that something terrible was going to happen to me and then I could not stand the sight of my maids, the sound of the TV and, worst of all, the sight of my husband Leo. Mary Lou was the only one who could go near me. I locked myself in my room and asked her to call the doctor and told him I could no longer put up with what was happening to me. He told Mary Lou that I must leave my house, but not to be far from him, in case I would need him.

We decided to go to the Manila Hotel, so Mary Lou packed our bags and off we went. While at the hotel, I had this terror of falling over a cliff and into an abyss, it was constant and would not leave me. To keep myself from falling, I had to keep my mind busy, so I started praying and praying and praying.

In the evenings, Mary Lou would run a bath for me and I would soak in the warm fragrant water and relax. Afterwards, I would eat a little and after praying again I would fall asleep. The next day it would be the same routine.

My dear husband could not stay away. He had to see for himself how I was, so he would stay awhile and leave. Finally, I was able to take a walk near the pool and was feeling a little better. But I kept up the constant prayers, still afraid of the abyss.

After a week, we went home. I was weak from being in bed so long and from lack of exercise. We visited Dr. Reyes again and he said that my depression seemed to be over. But I went about my recovery slowly, not wanting to rock the boat.

A depression can be deadly if you don’t seek help. Many people have committed suicide when in the grip of this horrible experience. Don’t be like some people who have asked me: "A depression? What have you got to be depressed about? You have everything!"

Some months later, when Leo and I were both well, Criselda Lontok of Rustan’s had a fashion show that featured mothers, grandmothers and grandchildren. Mary Lou, Jamille and I took part in it. The whole family attended the show and when we came out I could hear my husband banging his walking cane and shouting, "I like the grandma!"