Here’s to the losers

The last time I remember ever getting caught in a tension-gripped situation in sports was when I was rooting for the Ateneo Eagles playing against the La Salle Archers or the San Beda Lions in the good old ’60s. Even then, I had a better memory of the dance and musical numbers staged by the cheerleading squad from every competing school than the crucial points made by the players themselves. The cheerleaders of the Jose Rizal Bombers always upstaged the other rah-rah-rah groups with their spunky Latin steps and fancy choreography.

Four decades later and I am still astonished at the hype and frenzy that accompany basketball games whether local or the satellite-beamed NBA. This latest technology allows not only native American fans to get caught in suspense and tenterhooks but fans from the four corners of the world as well. The same level of excitement is felt when their favorite team gets the trophy.

In the midst of the euphoria, the rain of confetti, the victory signs, the hunk-like exchange of bear hugs and clinches, and the flow of champagne, how many of us have ever thought of the losers? Yes, those with knitted brows, bowed heads and shattered spirits?

Outside the basketball courts, we come across a lot of them. We know some personally, others we only hear or read about while there are others who only have to look at their reflections in the mirror. It is easy to spot them.

• Those who loved "not wisely, but too well." Shakespeare’s Othello, the Moorish prince, was weighed down with grief and jealousy at the thought of his Desdemona, was cheating on him. How many hearts have been broken and have died a "thousand" deaths because of this insidious feeling of treachery and deception?

• The faithful workhorse or alalay who has gone past her prime. There’s a poster I saw of a baby with chubby hands wiping his tears and the caption reads, "How can we lose when we are so sincere?" There are times when giving one’s full trust and commitment to a person or an endeavor is not enough – it does not guarantee recognition, loyalty nor an enduring kind of response.

• The girl who sighs with envy when she hears the peal of wedding bells. "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride?" Was she such a "plain Jane" that no one noticed the aura in her? Will she be content to play "second hand rose" all her life?

• The victims of the "reduction-in-force" or a conglomerate’s redundancy program. In Hong Kong, junior managers always squirm at luncheon invitation from their supervisors especially when the boss orders a succulent chicken dish. After the meal is consumed and it’s tooth-picking time, make sure the chicken’s head is not turned to where you are seated – it can only mean the beginning of the end! It’s the insinuated signal for "Enjoyed your meal? You’re fired!"

• The "half-baked" degree holders who kept ungodly hours reviewing for the bar, the board, or the panel of elders to become full-fledged lawyers, doctors, engineers, architects, CPAs, master’s and Ph D holders. The world would have literally caved in if his name were not on the published list of successful examinees!

• The anxious host who sent baskets of eggs to the convent praying for sunshine after dispatching invitations to a garden reception, only to be told that the path of tropical depression Claring (after Bibing) with central winds of 120 mph is heading straight to her garden!

• You play "21" with your closest friend and she pulls all the aces.

These are just a few of the situations where losers abound. But do not laugh. Somehow, sometime, you and I could have faced or would have come face-to-face with such a situation. At one time or another we have been losers. But the similarity stops there. The bottom line is – did we survive?

My first recollection of one of my doom-and-gloom days happened when I was in Grade 2. I was handpicked as the lead dancer in our school’s Report Card Day celebration. I felt very proud of myself when I received praises from parents, teachers and school chums. That feeling didn’t last long. When my report card was handed to my mother, I saw her smile turn into a frown. "Why, what’s the matter, Mama?" With a soft, distressed voice, she replied, "You got 74 as your average, hija... you have to repeat Grade 2!"

I think what hurt more was it felt like double grief to me. I was led to believe that having been chosen as the lead dancer, I would have been exempted from such a humiliation. But there it was. Defeat staring at me right in the face. No one said much after. I was certainly not in any mood to say anything either. The next day, my father called me to his study and with a big smile lifted me to his knee and said, "Never mind, you are still the sweetest, smartest kalabasa (squash) for me! I know you will make it!" Tears flowed uncontrollably at that remark.

Right then and there, I resolved to do something about it. With mother’s help, she talked to my Grade 2 teacher and asked for a special arrangement. "If after three months, my daughter can show that she can be the top pupil in the whole Grade 2 level, would you consider giving her an evaluation test and accelerate her to Grade 3?" The teacher agreed! My suspicion was that she agreed because she was paying courtesy to a colleague, my mother, who was a schoolteacher herself.

The rest, of course, is history (ehem!). I topped the entire Grade 2 level but also showed the school that I could maintain my high standing in the Grade 3 and succeeding levels as well. Victory, after defeat, never felt so grand!

Mother’s wise counsel advocated the importance of being able to accept disappointments, to learn how to handle defeat, stand up with scraped knees, brush the dust off and start anew. When hearing this advice from the older generation, it may sound unthinkable because one trait of the young and inexperienced is that there’s not much difference from the world our parents raised us in with the world outside. Our naive mind always presupposes that there will be gentle, caring and supportive people, more like extensions of our parents, who will always shield us, protect us and if need be, stand up for us if not fight the demons for us! How young, how foolish, how so make-believe, how unreal!

Do not be fooled by such a celluloid fantasies. White picket fences, friendly neighbors, honest faces, you will find them mostly in Norman Rockwell’s sketches but not in the real world.

How do we get past defeat? How do we move on?

By taking stock of the lessons learned from these beatings and, of course, the passage of time. It may be difficult to understand but there is strength in accepting defeat. There is no lesson in school; no degree offered that would give you a guarantee of being a sure winner but knowing that a hurt fortifies your spirit much like fire can forge steel, is already a healthy and positive start.

Here is a quotation that I lifted from a journal on self-healing: "You learn to accept your defeat with your head up and your eyes open; with the grace of a man or a woman, not the grief of a child. You learn that you are strong and you really do have worth...and you learn...and you learn...with every goodbye, every pain, every fall...you learn!"

Well, even Charlie Brown can live with that!

And so I offer a toast to those who believe that all losers will be winners, all the givers shall receive. In life, there is light, and there is always, always hope.

To the losers, or rather to potential winners, bless them, bless us all!