Unbreak the heart

I’m okay. ’Still smarting from the breakup but definitely moving on." These were the words of a friend of mine who just recently saw the end of a three-year relationship. I felt the emptiness in his voice and decided to push my luck a bit by prodding him to say more. "I have accepted the reality of the situation but it’s only now that I’m dealing with the pain in my own terms."

As he explained, he didn’t see it coming and if that were not enough, they had a very sedate, civil parting of ways. They sat across each other, talked things over rationally, and said their goodbyes – two lovers close enough to touch yet stoically choosing not to. It was pedigreed, if you could call it that. "Isn’t that a good thing, then?" I asked, "At least no hurtful words were said, no plates were broken, no shouting match transpired."

What he said after both amused and amazed me. "I should have cried when I felt like crying, and I should have thrown the most expensive breakable item I could get my hands on because that’s what I felt like doing. I should have asked her every why and how and she should have given it to me as it was, no sugarcoating to lessen the blow. Then by now I won’t be feeling so cold, so inadequate." That whole tirade came pouring out in less than 30 seconds and maybe it was the rawness in his voice or the helplessness I felt about the situation he was in that made me start to think after we put the phone down.

Is there a right way to say goodbye?

Is the overused "It’s not you, it’s me" line an appropriate way of walking away without crushing the soul of the other, leaving him with some semblance of dignity and pride (at least in his mind)?

Maybe not.

My friend gave the relationship all that he was, all that he had, plus more. He was a buddy, a lover, a cook, a business partner, a teacher – all rolled into one. "Buy one, take all," he laughingly told me, pain still palpable in his voice. So what happened?

"My love just wasn’t enough," he sadly said.

Yes, there are no guarantees. A love well given and given freely will not hold the promise of reciprocity. One can always hope, but then there’s the very real ache one feels when one is unloved and unappreciated. Essentially, it’s not yours alone to decide the future of your love story. How lasting it will or will not be depends on the choices both parties make as they go along.

Falling in love is a union of kindred souls. More often than not, we fall deeply in love with a person for the kind of packaging his love comes in. We succumb to that love based on our needs. It doesn’t mean one is substantially better than the other. It’s just a matter of finding that one good match. Swak na swak as they say.

Hmmm. Now let me rethink what I said earlier. Maybe one should just take the "It’s not you, it’s me" line at face value. Why? Because oftentimes it really is just as simple as that, it’s not an issue of what you did or didn’t do (this being especially true if you’ve given the relationship your best shot). It’s more along the lines of what he/she needed and whom he/she chose to fill that need.

So if your beloved walks away, it shouldn’t make you feel less of a man or less of a woman. It just means he/she found for himself a better match. It shouldn’t leave you shriveled in pain. Okay, anyone with an IQ of two knows it will hurt like anything – but that pain shouldn’t inhibit you. You are not a loser, neither are you a magnet for sad endings. Somewhere out there is someone who will know you are his/her perfect match.

It does the heart good to accept that there are just things that are a matter of destiny, there are things that simply are not meant to be. And because it always takes two to tango, love sometimes just won’t be enough. That is lesson no. 2 and no. 3 coming one right after the other.

Lesson no. 1, by the way, is dealing with the pain as it comes. As with my friend in the beginning of this article, he thought it best to suppress the anger and hurt because he still wanted to live up to what she expected of him. He acted like the gentleman that he was till the very end. But even princes break down and cry, I wanted to remind him. That is part of processing and it is essential to healing.

As with any other relationship, there will be hills and valleys, highs and lows. Be thankful for the peaks but be even more thankful when you can still surface whole after hitting rock bottom.

Do you believe in destiny? I once read a thought-provoking concept of destiny as pictured hand in hand with karma. In essence it presupposes that what you are today is the karma of seeds planted in your past and what you will be in the future is a karmic reflection of whatever seeds you plant today. When you’ve given your all and pain still unfolds, rest in the wisdom that it was meant to happen. Que sera sera. And it’s always for a reason. Nothing is ever by chance. Because of our human limitations we don’t have the capacity to understand God’s divine plan for our life and love. So instead of frantically struggling to manipulate seemingly uncooperative forces, why not just be still and let things be?

No, there is no easy way to break somebody’s heart. The ache is relative but it is a given. It matters not whether you are the one breaking someone’s heart or the one whose heart is being broken, it’s always painful, never simple. Long after you have set apart black from white, a large, fuzzy gray area will still remain. There will always be that someone who will love you and hurt you–consequently he/she, too will shape you. But refuse to have an attachment to the pain. A heartbreak doesn’t have to be a mathematical equation of man, woman, and tears. Love, no matter how elusive, doesn’t have to be an alien phenomenon. There’s always room to foster new dreams, find new souls to share them with, or even take back that love you thought you lost.

So unbreak that heart. Even the most flawed diamond shines in the dust.