Love, sex & courtship in the time of terrorists

Since the September 11 anniversary has come and gone without terrorist incident, it’s time for the world to once again soul-search, and to grapple with the reasons behind this ongoing threat to peace.

Is it a strict, fundamentalist interpretation of the Koran that often leads young Muslim men to take up arms?

Is it the relative affluence of the West that creates resentment and often violent bitterness among these budding terrorists?

Is it a belief that the rewards of heaven await those who die in the name of Allah?

What exactly is it that makes young men turn to terrorism?

I have a theory of my own: they do it to impress chicks.

Am I kidding? You be the judge. As usual, the nexus of this theory lies in the Philippines. A recent Newsweek story detailed the travels and movements of alleged 9/11 planner Khalad Shaikh Mohammad, who is said to have coordinated the World Trade Center attacks with several other Muslim men from an apartment in Hamburg, Germany.

But the story actually begins in Manila, where Shaikh Mohammad was known to many as "a flamboyant playboy awash with cash" during the early ‘90s.

Newsweek says Mohammad, who made the social rounds in Manila as Abdul Majid, was a "somewhat smarmy playboy who worked hard to impress women."

When he wasn’t busy chasing tail, Mohammad and his pals were crafting plans, as early as ‘92, to blow 12 American commercial airliners out of the sky, says Newsweek. The plan only fizzled when the would-be bombers blew up their own Manila apartment. From there, the Jihad Rat Pack moved their operations to Hamburg.

Mohammad reportedly had his mojo working in Manila, where he became infatuated with a Filipina dentist, according to Newsweek. He apparently rented a helicopter and instructed the pilot to fly over the lucky lady’s office building. From there he called her on his cell phone and asked her to look up to see him waving from the cockpit. Smooth guy, that Mohammad.

While it might be easy to overlook the obvious charm and babe-magnetism lying just beneath Mohammad’s menacing glare, few could deny that his Hamburg chum (and future hijacker) Marwan Alshehhi was any less suave with the ladies. His presence in Hamburg prior to 9/11 was later confirmed by a local librarian who told authorities Alshehhi mentioned the World Trade Towers and whispered to her: "Many people will die. You will think of me."

Now, there’s a guy who knows how to leave a lasting impression with the ladies. Too bad he couldn’t just say it with flowers.

One of the goodies promised the 9/11 bombers if they succeeded was a place in paradise with 100 virgins. In other words: At least in the next life, you will be able to score. It should be clear by now that the bulk of Islamic radicals are young, angry males full of testosterone and, no doubt, undisplaced sexual energy. This is a dangerous combination under the yoke of any religion, as history will attest. (Just look at the Crusades or the recent revelations about Catholic priests with altar boys on the brain.)

No, religion is not terribly conducive to normal sexual functioning, so it should come as no surprise that Muslim radicals have a hard time scoring with chicks. First of all, being a terrorist is a profession that requires a great deal of secrecy, and this does not go over very well with women, as most will agree. Try using that "I’ve got a strategy meeting with the guys" line once too often, and you’ll end up in the proverbial dog bunker.

Of course, there will always be women who fall for the reckless bad boys, the ones who date terrorists because, as they tell themselves over and over again, "deep inside, he’s really not such a bad guy."

Yes, there are always those gals who find murderous thugs and dictators kind of charming, like the former girlfriend of Saddam Hussein who told ABC News recently that the Iraqi president, known for torturing dissidents and gassing his own people, could be quite "tender."

Saddam is, by her account, quite the ladies’ man, known to woo his women with ritual cocktails of fresh gazelle, Viagra, and Sinatra’s Strangers in the Night. He has a kooky side, reportedly donning a cowboy hat while watching videos of his enemies being tortured, and his favorite film is – no surprise here – The Godfather.

The former mistress also revealed that Saddam swims every day, uses an herbal relaxation treatment to reduce wrinkles, and dyes his hair. (What is it with international terrorists and their hair? From Libya’s Qadaffi to Osama bin Laden’s long tresses, these guys possess, if nothing else, full and excellent hair. And don’t think the chicks don’t notice.)

Saddam’s ex-girlfriend apparently thinks so highly of her chances of survival after telling tales outside the bunker that she was shown on TV wearing a dark veil. While this is definitely in keeping with Muslim custom, it also helps to have a little extra life insurance.

The common thread here among these guys seems to be a desire to use their considerable powers and influence, either as an evil dictator or as a workaday terrorist, to win over the fairer sex. They want to be seen as generous, open, and caring. They want women to know that they know how to party. Of course, extraordinary efforts have always been made by men trying to get a girl’s attention. However, most suitors simply run an ad in a newspaper or hang a banner on the side of a building to announce their love; they don’t usually invade Kuwait or take the building down completely.

Beneath it all, something sadly human marks these pathetic efforts to impress the ladies. Maybe these guys didn’t get enough parental affection growing up. Maybe they suffered broken hearts, or didn’t mingle enough in high school. Maybe, deep down inside, the terrorists just really want to be loved.

If only it were that simple.