Lessons in friendship

How to Lose Friends and Alternative People by Toby Young. I haven’t read it but I like the title. On the premise that due to human frailties, friendships are relationships that are hard to come by, they’re still harder to keep. In fact, it is said that great, if not lucky, is the man who can claim to have gained five real friends in his lifetime. Like respect and trust, friendship is earned. You can’t beg for it and it can’t be bought. I like what the Italian philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli wrote in The Prince, "Friendships that are bought at a price, and not with greatness and nobility of soul, may be paid for, but they are not acquired, and they cannot be used in time of need."

I’d like to be an expert in friendship and maybe I am with my never erring gut feeling that guides me through. Nevertheless, I asked friends, "What’s your concept of an ideal friend?" Not surprisingly, I got similar responses. If you violate any of them, then you can be an author on how to lose friends like Toby Young.

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An ideal friend listens, although listening "only" is a tough one. But friends must be good listeners. Giving absolute attention is showing concern. It reveals that you want to know a person deeper and to understand her. Why? Friends are unlicensed psychiatrists who want to help. There is something soothing about being listened to. When that happens you’ll find that the person with a problem who rambles on arrives at a solution from her self-expression.

Psychotherapists have perfected the art of listening "to connect" and gain their patients’ confidence. If your friend needs your ear and you have the urge to talk...hold your tongue and thoughts and let him speak. Even if you’re half awake, like Alex who listened and tried to comprehend by interrupting his friend with a "yes..." and "then..." occasionally. After an hour of uncontrollable sobbing on the telephone, his friend calmed down and both agreed to meet the next day. Alex later found out that he had stopped his friend from committing suicide by lending an ear!

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An ideal friend knows how to keep secrets. If more than one person knows your secret, it’s no longer private. Within the confines of true friendship, we purge our innermost thoughts, trusting that confidences are kept holy. After all, friendships are arenas where one can feel safe and secure. I can’t count how many friendships have met their end because of the loss of trust. It was a sensitive issue to Annie and not a laughing matter. Annie felt violated with Sheila’s attempt at cuteness and she ended the friendship. A slip of the tongue or a tactless comment should never be. When the trust is broken, the friendship is over.

An ideal friend is loyal especially during the bad times. We cannot expect a friend to be with us 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Yet, true friends are there when you need them the most. A loyal friend will not agree with you all the time. But when they disagree, they give advice, not criticism. When all the odds are stacked up against one, a real friend stands by like a cane, firm and sturdy. And true friends are known to stand by each other, even when one of them is wrong.

While insights may differ with friends, they’re never totally wrong, just slightly mistaken. When push comes to shove they’re there to cradle.

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An ideal friend is honest and her heart open. Sharing fables about the past makes tearjerkers ridiculously funny but they’re foundations for perceptions. Friends have no pretensions. The more they know of each other, the more their friendship is fortified. They keep each other grounded without having to listen to the earth for tom-tom drum messages. Each is candid enough to articulate her dreams without fear of judgment. A real friend makes a conscious effort to concentrate on the goodness of the other and forget the bad.

So, the next attribute in an ideal friend is being understanding, not judgmental. While Lilian was a stickler for time, Christine often overbooked her schedules, leaving her friend hanging out to dry. They argued about this often untilLilian realized that this disparity was decidedly due to a difference in thrust. While Lilian’s job was home based, Christine was a businesswoman who hadn’t heard of time management. Christine thought that her friend understood, while Lilian wanted her friend to be more considerate of her time. They put each other on the "lost not yet found" former friends. Better to get out of a "slipping" friendship than end in bitterness.

It is important for friends to be on the same wavelength. Does this mean that two people must have the same likes and the same focus to cultivate a better relationship? Maybe so – because that would mean the same preferences and way of life that could explain mood swings and give some latitude for each other’s temper. Pray that both are quick to forgive and not hold any grudges.

True friends must "feel" when something is not well. They should give each other breathing space to grow so both may appreciate other friendships. That could even lead to additional binding ties with new friends and learning other safety nets for a continued friendship.

An ideal friend is a positive influence. In the face of adversity, friends must show each other the lighter side of life. They must be ready to prevent each other up from sinking. When one is desperate, the other encourages. They guide each other in the labyrinth of life. Like Kate, who told Rissa she was dropping out of law school because of mediocre grades. Getting the same average grades, Rissa understood what Kate was going through. She made light of her difficulty and convinced her friend they’d get through it together and they did. Both girls are working in the same law firm.

Friends are life support systems with hearts we can really rely on. They provide us with intangible resources and emotional sustenance. All of us need at least one friend in our lifetime. We all strive to have one perfect friend! Yet it all boils down to our wise choices. The thing about choices, once you’ve made them, you don’t have to live with them...but live with what you said.

Didn’t they say that best friends make the worse enemies, too? Watch it!