The Age of Discontent
March 17, 2002 | 12:00am
Friends are my weather vanes of life. Lately, I have sensed from them that life does seem to be getting more and more complicated and unfulfilling. I have been feeling a certain uneasy restlessness myself and I am glad to know that I am not alone.
The other day, I got an e-mail from Jon complaining about what a frustrated, disillusioned corporate cubicle prisoner he has become. He feels that his life has not advanced in ages. Roland and Tina from New Jersey have also intimated how depressing their empty nest has become since Jeannie, their only child, has gotten married and is now living in Orange County. Gina, the ever Miss Love-starved, is still searching all over Metro Manila for love, still hoping for Mr. Wonderful to materialize from some propitious, unexpected place. She projects a hip and happy front, but confesses to being severely lonely when home by her little self.
Marge is still hurting and trying to deal with her husband Ron’s womanizing. Word has it that she has resorted to hiring a private detective to check his every move. Vicky and Tom have finally separated after years of pretending that they were living in storybook marital bliss. Poor Charlie had to close his small restaurant because his gross income couldn’t even cover his overhead expenses. Rica used to complain, "There’s got to be more to life than just a paycheck!" Of course, that was before she got laid off last January. Good God, even bright, talented, spirited and well-educated Billy sulks that he can’t land a job! And, Lynn, the "nega-queen," is still the same haughty, resentful, detestable spirit of contradiction and negativity. Her chronic bitchiness really makes me wonder.
What’s happening? It seems that everyone is feeling a marked degree of discontentment, compounded by mounting insecurity, a fear that grew from the September 11 terrorist attacks. Meanwhile, the economy isn’t helping any (can it get any worse? Economists believe so!), and the government doesn’t seem to care (politicians seem to worry only for their own personal gain!). Which means that frustration and discontent are problems that we have to deal with solely on our own.
Though most are in denial, many of us are experiencing some kind of frustrating rut in our lives. Its symptoms are indecision, lethargy, easy discouragement, dissatisfaction, disappointment, restlessness, insecurity and depression.
A doctor friend of mine, Rick, blames it all on midlife crisis, specifically menopause for women and andropause for men. (Come to think of it, most of the characters I mentioned above are over 40. But how do you account for 29-year-old Billy’s dispiriting situation? I believe this collective rut is a result of the frustrating world that we have created for ourselves. Rick says midlife crisis can come at as early as age 30 for some people.)
Menopause ("meno" is Greek for month, and thus implies monthly periods) for a woman heralds the end of her reproductive capability. It is usually accompanied by depression, restlessness and hot flashes. Andropause for men is the time in a man’s life (usually between 40-50 years of age) when his androgen hormones naturally decline. It is characterized by having decreased libido or low sex drive, erectile dysfunction or impotence, lethargy or tiredness, depression, hair loss, decreased muscle strength and forgetfulness. Usually, the man in andropause tries hard to prove that he still has what it takes by having an extramarital fling with a younger woman, or else drowns his frustrations in nicotine and alcohol!
What exactly is midlife crisis? Mike Bellah, writer and midlife specialist, writes: "It is the realization that we have passed our physical peak, and that we will not likely achieve all those goals we set when we were young and for which we have spent the last 20 years reaching. This is about as good as it is going to get. This is it... Midlife crisis is a conflict between the mind and the calendar, simple as that."
On a positive note, Dr. Paula Hardin, director of Midlife Consulting Services, encourages us to cultivate our "generativity":
"‘Generativity’ is a word coined in the ’50s by Erik Erikson, the father of adult development theory," Hardin says. "It’s a process that includes giving birth to new aspects of ourselves that will assure a higher sense of wellbeing in maturity."
This process, Hardin says, makes a person go outside his or her family to give service to the larger community. She gave an example of a 65-year-old woman she had met who opened her home to give cooking classes to area residents so that they could prepare good, nourishing food and thus avoid junk snacks and fast food. "Generativity" is reaching out to others, and sharing your ideals and most profound self.
Doctors say that midlife crisis is a natural, transitional part of the aging process. But how do we deal with it during these days of confusion and insecurity compounded by global economic recession, world terrorism, and government inefficiency and corruption?
Whatever little dreams we have seem to inch faster, farther and farther away from us. It seems that we don’t have much choice but to put our lives on hold and brood. But be sure to make the pause (menopause, andropause or whatever pause it is that afflicts you) temporary. You will have to search for your own answers, find your own solutions, and move on. Maybe it is time to take the reins and be truly in charge of your life. Perhaps you desperately need a change in vision, priorities, and possibly even a complete change in career.
These are what you need to do:
1. Make an honest assessment of what you have accomplished or missed so far in life.
2. Take stock of your talents, resources and other realities.
3. Plan out what you really want to be and what you really want to do in you life.
4. Shift your life to what is real, heartfelt, deeply meaningful, and truly fulfilling for you.
5. Rediscover yourself and life’s simple pleasures.
6. Reinvent your dreams.
7. Learn, learn, learn. Read books and journals; take seminars.
8. Seek a mentor or a confidante, or join a support group.
Luckily, along with the bad, this age of discontent brings some good news. Midlife crisis, after all, is about people finding themselves and their own personal brand of happiness. Gene finally came out of the closet, loves his newfound freedom, and now lives happily with Mark. Jim and Belle from New York, who separated three years ago, have since each remarried and found true love (and have remained good friends! Good luck, guys!). Patty quit her flourishing advertising job in London, just upped and ran away, and is now meditating on her breath in an asram somewhere in the rarified mountains of Tibet. Just got a postcard from Peter gushing at how gorgeous the boys in Vietnam are. And Danny finally bought that dream farm in Tagaytay where he hopes to commune with nature as soon as he retires from his job in L.A.!
How about you? What are your plans for the rest of your life?
I’d love to hear from you! E-mail deeperdoor@yahoo.com (no attachments and chain letters, please!). Should you want to forward this article, be sure to mention the author Dero Pedero and acknowledge The Philippine STAR. The reprinting, recording or publishing of this article in any form including the Web requires copyright permission from the author.
The other day, I got an e-mail from Jon complaining about what a frustrated, disillusioned corporate cubicle prisoner he has become. He feels that his life has not advanced in ages. Roland and Tina from New Jersey have also intimated how depressing their empty nest has become since Jeannie, their only child, has gotten married and is now living in Orange County. Gina, the ever Miss Love-starved, is still searching all over Metro Manila for love, still hoping for Mr. Wonderful to materialize from some propitious, unexpected place. She projects a hip and happy front, but confesses to being severely lonely when home by her little self.
Marge is still hurting and trying to deal with her husband Ron’s womanizing. Word has it that she has resorted to hiring a private detective to check his every move. Vicky and Tom have finally separated after years of pretending that they were living in storybook marital bliss. Poor Charlie had to close his small restaurant because his gross income couldn’t even cover his overhead expenses. Rica used to complain, "There’s got to be more to life than just a paycheck!" Of course, that was before she got laid off last January. Good God, even bright, talented, spirited and well-educated Billy sulks that he can’t land a job! And, Lynn, the "nega-queen," is still the same haughty, resentful, detestable spirit of contradiction and negativity. Her chronic bitchiness really makes me wonder.
What’s happening? It seems that everyone is feeling a marked degree of discontentment, compounded by mounting insecurity, a fear that grew from the September 11 terrorist attacks. Meanwhile, the economy isn’t helping any (can it get any worse? Economists believe so!), and the government doesn’t seem to care (politicians seem to worry only for their own personal gain!). Which means that frustration and discontent are problems that we have to deal with solely on our own.
A doctor friend of mine, Rick, blames it all on midlife crisis, specifically menopause for women and andropause for men. (Come to think of it, most of the characters I mentioned above are over 40. But how do you account for 29-year-old Billy’s dispiriting situation? I believe this collective rut is a result of the frustrating world that we have created for ourselves. Rick says midlife crisis can come at as early as age 30 for some people.)
Menopause ("meno" is Greek for month, and thus implies monthly periods) for a woman heralds the end of her reproductive capability. It is usually accompanied by depression, restlessness and hot flashes. Andropause for men is the time in a man’s life (usually between 40-50 years of age) when his androgen hormones naturally decline. It is characterized by having decreased libido or low sex drive, erectile dysfunction or impotence, lethargy or tiredness, depression, hair loss, decreased muscle strength and forgetfulness. Usually, the man in andropause tries hard to prove that he still has what it takes by having an extramarital fling with a younger woman, or else drowns his frustrations in nicotine and alcohol!
On a positive note, Dr. Paula Hardin, director of Midlife Consulting Services, encourages us to cultivate our "generativity":
"‘Generativity’ is a word coined in the ’50s by Erik Erikson, the father of adult development theory," Hardin says. "It’s a process that includes giving birth to new aspects of ourselves that will assure a higher sense of wellbeing in maturity."
This process, Hardin says, makes a person go outside his or her family to give service to the larger community. She gave an example of a 65-year-old woman she had met who opened her home to give cooking classes to area residents so that they could prepare good, nourishing food and thus avoid junk snacks and fast food. "Generativity" is reaching out to others, and sharing your ideals and most profound self.
Whatever little dreams we have seem to inch faster, farther and farther away from us. It seems that we don’t have much choice but to put our lives on hold and brood. But be sure to make the pause (menopause, andropause or whatever pause it is that afflicts you) temporary. You will have to search for your own answers, find your own solutions, and move on. Maybe it is time to take the reins and be truly in charge of your life. Perhaps you desperately need a change in vision, priorities, and possibly even a complete change in career.
These are what you need to do:
1. Make an honest assessment of what you have accomplished or missed so far in life.
2. Take stock of your talents, resources and other realities.
3. Plan out what you really want to be and what you really want to do in you life.
4. Shift your life to what is real, heartfelt, deeply meaningful, and truly fulfilling for you.
5. Rediscover yourself and life’s simple pleasures.
6. Reinvent your dreams.
7. Learn, learn, learn. Read books and journals; take seminars.
8. Seek a mentor or a confidante, or join a support group.
How about you? What are your plans for the rest of your life?
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