Finding Mr. Right

When Merlou broke up with her long-time boyfriend, we, her busybody friends, were so curious with what happened. Especially since it was known that they were discussing wedding plans. We hoped to get a blow-by-blow account, but all we got was "I am waiting for Mr. Right." End of story.

Then one day she called and excitedly announced, "Guess what? I just met Mr. Right!" I said, "Calm down! Calm down! How do you know he is Mr. Right?" "Because his name is Wright, with a W," she replied between giggles. "Could be W for Mr. Wrong?" I asked. We both laughed. That was many years ago.

Very recently, I bumped into her in Hong Kong. She now lives in Canada and for 14 years has been happily married to Mr. (W)Right. Seeing her reminded me of what my favorite German nun teacher in high school, Sister Waltraud, once said, "It is not about having the right man or wrong man in a marriage, but it’s just about having the right attitude. Always remember that." If she wasn’t a nun, I would have said she was talking from experience.

But of course at 14, that did not make any sense to us. Who cared about attitude then? Attitude problems perhaps since we were all self-centered and conceited. We were all eyeing the popular guys and the long-haired band players at the downtown club. (My classmate, Maritel Nievera of Cabalen, can attest to this. Right Maritel?)

Last week’s newspaper reported that eight out of 10 marriages in America end up in divorce. They attribute it to the decadent American lifestyle. In the Philippines, we also have many broken homes and unhappy marriages. I wonder how many of these would have been saved by having "just the right attitude."

I have a friend with the most pleasant disposition. The kind that I could only wish to have. Her husband has a notorious temper. One time, I witnessed one of his tantrums. It was worse than I thought. When he stormed out of the house after kicking a small wooden table to pulp, I asked her how she could live with him. Her reply stunned me. "Oh," she said, "When he is in that sort of mood, I do not take him seriously. He just has a bad temper, which is like our monthly thing. But most of the time, he is a very loving husband. And that’s when I take him seriously." Can you beat that?

One thing I hope I will never have to subject myself to is an "arranged marriage." Just the thought of it is revolting! I cannot imagine myself making love with a "stranger." There’s got to be real love before I can be intimate.

That is why I always ask my Indian friends who have arranged marriages to recount their "love stories," especially their first meetings. Amazingly, they also glow with excitement as they recount their experience of meeting each other for the first time. What astounds me is that they claim that there are more divorce cases in love marriages than arranged marriages. These young wives say that in a love marriage, the romance diminishes after the wedding. In their case, the romance and courtship begins on their wedding day, making it the norm for their married life. The couple do not have any expectations but both are committed in making the marriage work. It is a very cultural thing and indeed my Indian friends whose marriages were arranged are very happy.

The closest I got to an arranged marriage was when my son, Nico, was five. He was then crazy about the international wrestlers. One afternoon, I came home from work and he asked me sheepishly, "Mom, will you say yes if I asked you to do something for me?" I told him yes on three conditions. If it would make him very, very happy, if I could do it and if it would also make me happy. In that order. With so much enthusiasm, he said, "Yes to all the three, mom. And you will even see gold every day!" "Hmmm, that’s nice, it’s yes then," I said. Then he looked at me and seriously said, "Please marry Xman." (That’s his six-footer 300-pounder idol in wrestling). Trying my best not to laugh, I told him how impossible his wish was. His idol would never like me and my chances of meeting him was highly unlikely. With all his innocence and, as you know, boys of that age think the world of their mothers, he pleaded, "Mom, please. It’s just because he has not yet met you. Surely he will like you because you are the most prettiest." Aren’t they sweet when they are young? (By the way, the reason I will see gold every day is Xman wears a very thick chunky gold belt during his matches).

"Just the right attitude" is not only about being happy with Mr. Right. It is about being happy with everything else in life.

I have a very good and close friend. We were both widows then. One evening, we were at our children’s school to watch a Christmas play. We watched with some envy as other mothers strode along the halls with their husbands. I teased her that maybe we would be widows forever because we were very good at keeping each other company. Then, she told me that a fortuneteller had told her that she would be working all her life. "It is very depressing and distressing," she said. "Gaga, you should rejoice!" I said. "How lucky you are for you will never be jobless." I reminded her of how many people out there were desperately looking for a job. And if the fortuneteller was right, my friend would be strong and healthy till the end and not suffer a lingering illness. She looked away and kept quiet. I imagined she saw herself in her 80s in shorts and cross trainers as she busily managed her first-class gym. (It has always been her dream to own a gym). Then she looked at me and said, "Partner, you are right, I did not look at it that way. I will never be jobless and bedridden. I will be strong to the finish." "Yes, like Popeye," I said. She, being a health buff, suddenly took an appreciation to the fortuneteller’s prediction. Instantly her mood lifted and she felt like celebrating. We went out after the play, both of us very happy. She, for the kind words, and I enjoyed the blow out!