Do fries come with that shake?
September 9, 2001 | 12:00am
Let’s talk about handshakes.
What a strange and intimate ritual, this pressing of the flesh between two strangers or two friends: how did it develop such worldwide currency? The handshake, in most cultures, is not only a method of greeting, it is also a measure by which we judge someone’s character. The firm handshake is valued in some places; the cool, gentle handclasp in others.
I was discussing the matter with my Filipino family, and they brought to my attention a number of local variations. These may not be distinctly Filipino, but they definitely have the local touch.
There is, of course, the "high five," which stopped being popular in the US around the time The Breakfast Club came out, but for some reason still has adherents here. Rap musicians and boy bands resurrected the "high five," for better or worse, so it’s not uncommon to see it still in use, usually to punctuate a Filipino joke among friends: if someone makes a witty remark or burns somebody else, watch those high fives commence.
The other youthful variation is the "soulshake," usually involving a kung fu grip that segues into a finger-lock, often accompanied by a high-spirited "PA-re…!"Again, this one dates back several decades, circa Starsky and Hutch and What’s Happening?
My aunt pointed out the peculiar handshake style favored by Mrs. Imelda Marcos. The Imeldific One reportedly brushes her fingertips – once – across the outstretched claw of each well-wisher, as though bestowing a miracle touch of health and bounty to the poor and unwashed. It’s a light brush, as my aunt demonstrated it: as light as can be expected from a being who only descends to earth when the spirit moves her. And it’s perfectly in character.
The other local form of greeting involving an outstretched hand is called "making mano." This would entail taking the fingertips of an elderly person and pressing them to one’s forehead. It’s a show of respect, of course, and should only be attempted if the person in question is actually advanced in years: otherwise, they have every right to snatch back their fingers in an indignant huff.
Handshakes are serious business, especially in the business world. There are books written, seminars given. It’s important to know, for instance, that Americans prefer a solid grip, with two to three pumps; Germans settle for one pump. In France, it’s a light grip and a quick shake; Swedes prefer a firm grip with eye contact; and while in Latin America, use a light-to-moderate grip, and repeat frequently. (All this according to The Complete Business Etiquette Handbook by Barbara Pachter and Marjorie Brody.)
Americans, for some reason, are crazy about the value of handshaking business. Some have even developed a complex handshake repertoire, like Bill Clinton in the thinly disguised Primary Colors by Joe Klein:
I’ve seen him do it a million times, but I couldn’t tell you how he does it, the right-handed part of it– the strength, quality, duration, the rudiments of pressing the flesh. I can, however, tell you a whole lot about what he does with his other hand. He is a genius with it. He may put it on your elbow, or up by your biceps: these are basic, reflexive moves. He is interested in you. He is honored to meet you. (Sometimes) he will lock in and honor you with a two-hander, his left hand overwhelming your wrist and forearm.
My favorite handshake can be found in Kenya, where one accepts a woman’s hand in greeting by depositing a gob of spit in the extended palm. What better way to signify one’s good intentions than to offer some warm bodily fluids?
In Asia, things are a bit different. The Japanese generally tolerate a limp grip, usually accompanied by a bow. North Koreans abhor eye contact with their handshakes, considering it rude. "In most of the world," an IndustryWeek article says, "handshakes are more like handclasps. The ‘grip’ is never tight, and there is little or no pumping action. In Asia, it may also last up to 10 or 12 seconds." So much for foreplay.
Here in the Philippines, you may recognize the following handshake archetypes in your travels:
• The Floppy Fish. We all know this one: the hand just lies there in your grip like a dead cod. What’s more, it doesn’t know when to leave. Women usually favor this one, since it’s considered more ladylike. When men do it, you want to enroll them in a Handshaking Support Group.
• The Tug-of-War. This one’s trying to show you who’s boss. This is the guy who grips your hand like a vise and forces it downward, as if he’s in an Indian wrestle. Usually accompanied by a manic grin. My father-in-law says it’s used by people "trying to show they’re superior." Beware.
• The Clam. Like the Floppy Fish, the Clam hand doesn’t know what to do once it’s in your grip; it just lies there, and what’s worse, it’s cool and moist, like a puppy caught out in the rain. Or, for that matter, like a clam.
• The Finger-Gripper. Some guys have a hard time committing to the full frontal handshake; maybe they’re intimidated. So they try to slide you a couple of fingers instead, initiating an awkward half-grip. Or else they simply hold on to a pair of your fingers, and tug mirthlessly. Either way, the effect is decidedly effeminate.
• The Tickler. This one is definitely effeminate. While holding your hand, the shaker’s overactive index finger initiates a covert little tickle to the palm, often accompanied by a wink. Usually used by latent baklas.
• The Pumper. This is the enthusiastic hand-shaker, the one who looks you in the eye, smiles crazily, and starts pumping your hand like he’s drilling for oil or running for office.
• The Death Grip. Finally, there are those who continue shaking your hand long past the greeting, long past the point of comfort, giving off a weird "don’t ever leave me" vibe. This specimen may even continue gripping your hand while he’s talking to you, punctuating each phrase with a fresh new pump, until you feel like politely asking: "Do fries come with that shake?"
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