Daffynitions

A definition is a description of a thing according to its properties; an explanation of the exact meaning of a word, term or phrase.

The most convenient reference where we can find the precise significance of words is the dictionary, a book containing alphabetically arranged words of a language with corresponding pronunciation guides, meanings and etymology (derivation and original signification). People are the other great source of definitions. They come up with some of the most witty and inventive meanings to words, and even fabricate words to embody a meaning.

"So, what is a daffynition?" you ask. If it’s not familiar to you, it’s because it is not in any dictionary. It’s a word I coined for a definition that’s wacky, witty, clever, inventive, sharp, piquant, sarcastic or oh-so-true!

"Why daffy?" you quickly shoot back at me. Because it’s a definition that’s zany and may squeak out of Daffy Duck’s bill. Besides, the definitions could really get quite daft. Enjoy!

* * * Daffynitely!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing well. - Sender: Maritoni R. Pacis-Roxas

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound.

Classic: A book which people praise but do not read.

Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Optimist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. - Sender: Roselle M. Carlos

* * * One Liners

An honest person is one who sells goods that don’t come back to customers who do. - Sender: Beth Ludasco

A real friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out. - Sender: Jim Munro

Kissing is like drinking salt water; you drink and your thirst increases. - Sender: Monique

A kiss is just another reminder that two heads are better than one. - Sender: Ruby Friday

* * * Kids Say The Darndest

Question: What’s red and green and goes a thousand miles an hour?

Answer: A frog in a blender. - Sender: Claudine Bananal

E=mc2: Energy equals milk chocolate square! - Sender: Randy Bardaje

* * * Who’s Defining What

Man: God, what is a million years 2 you?

God: A second.

Man: What is a million dollars to you?

God: A cent.

Man: Can I have a cent?

God: Okay, just a second - Sender: Binky Gasparil

* * * Poetica

Life is like a roll of tissue paper

You just keep on wasting it without thought.

Then one day when you come to the end;

You realize your life was wasted on shit. - Sender: Os Perez

Life is a shit sandwich.

The more bread (money) you have, the less shit you have to take. - Sender: Jensie Boy

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Sender: Lilibeth Salvador

* * * Create Your Own

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Taxation Office, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And best of all....

Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole. - Sender: Audrey L. Tan

* * * Politically Correct

It is not what you say; i’s how you say it. In this day and age of political exactitude, you have to know how to talk to men and still be politically correct. Check these expressions out!

He does not have a beer gut –

He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

He is not a bad dancer –

He is overly Caucasian.

He does not get lost all the time –

He investigates alternative destinations.

He is not balding –

He is in follicle regression.

He is not a cradle robber –

He prefers generationally differential relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk –

He just becomes accidentally horizontal.

He does not act like a total ass –

He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.

He is not a sex machine –

He is romantically automated.

He is not a male chauvinist pig

He has swine empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes–

He has an introspective pornographic moment.

He is not afraid of commitment –

He is monogamously challenged. - Sender: Onie Mayo

* * * Quotable Definitions

One night stand: Ooooh. Ahhh. Get out. – Andrew Dice Clay

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. – Dave Berry

A woman who takes things from a man is called a girlfriend; a man who takes things from a woman is called a gigolo. – Ruthie Stein

Marriage is like a besieged fortress. Everyone outside wants to get in, everyone inside wants to get out. – Quitard

Adults are obsolete children. – Dr. Seuss

A career is a job that has gone on too long. – Jeff MacNelly

Lawsuit: A machine you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. –Ambrose Bierce

Cannibals aren’t vegetarians. They are humanitarians. – Unknown

Democracy is the name we give to the people when we need them. – Robert Pellevé, Marquis de Flers

A celebrity is a person known to many people he is glad he doesn’t know. –H. L. Mencken

A tragedy is a busload of politicians going over a cliff with an empty seat. –Unknown

Christmas is Christ’s revenge for the crucifixion. – Unknown

* * * And For Some Local Color

Liturgy: Da litter dat pollows da litter ep.

Deposit: What you turn on when washing your hands.

Protestant: Where you buy your pruits.

Devastation: Where you wait for de bus. - Sender: Aluida L. Kasiguran

Laity: Imelda Marcos home province. - Sender: Liza Yusay

Cardinal Sin: A real live man of God in da Pilipins.

McArthur: taeng bumabalik after i-flush mo. - Sender: Chit S. Villarroya, MD

* * * P. S. (Pedero Says)

I warned you it could be quite daft! There’s just too much inanity going on in this country that I thought a little bit more won’t hurt. Hey, Noypee! Don’t you think it is time to reinvent and clarify our national daffynitions? What is happening to us? Can somebody please tell me?

* * *

I’d love to hear from you! E-mail your comments to deeperdoor@yahoo.com. If you forward this particular article, acknowledge The Philippine STAR Sunday Life, LIVING ALIVE by Dero Pedero. My book Jewels for the Mind, a collection of thoughts, formulas, and affirmations for success, prosperity and fulfillment, is available at National Book Store, Powerbooks and PageOne, Rockwell. Thanks for all your wonderful letters and e-mail!