Driving lessons

Topping the list of the joys of growing old – correction – older – is having grandchildren and I am blessed with four. Recently I’ve had the extreme pleasure of having my eldest grandchild move in with me – a better alternative for him than traveling four hours a day or boarding.

However, I’m not sure if he still considers it a better alternative because now he can no longer escape from the daily lectures on life and living that his loving grandparents, not wanting to be remiss in their duties, take every opportunity to deliver. At lunch he gets lectures on health, diet, exercise, music, literature and theater courtesy of his grandmother. At dinner it’s his grandfather’s turn with lectures on school and study, government, economics and the perils of late nights and partying. There are added lectures on books, reading and classical music appreciation thrown in every now and then by a concerned aunt. Fortunately his genes are heavily spiked with good humor and kindness and he manages to maintain both in dealing with his relatives. He has, however, for some reason, chosen the drums as the musical instrument of his choice.

Lately, one more category has been added to the list of topics – the dos and the don’ts of driving. Seeking the freedom that "wheels" can bring (I’m not sure if that is still part of teen jargon), he has been taking driving lessons. Dutifully he attended hours of lectures given by the Philippine Motor Association and is now in the process of learning to drive. His father wisely left the practical side of the learning process to the experts at PMA as well. (This after an attempt to back the family pick-up out of its parking slot on the family ranch nearly brought down the roof on six unsuspecting horses providing great hilarity for a dozen birthday-partying eight-year-olds.) However, this has not exempted him from "supplementary" lectures from his loving and concerned grandparents. Here are 20 driving tips from one generation to another that may be of help to anyone learning to drive.

Grandfather’s Stern words of Wisdom:

• "Right of way" does not exist in this country. It’s more like first come, first served.

• Stop at every stop sign even though nobody else does.

• Do not tailgate. Keep at least one car length away from the car in front. More at faster speeds.

• Follow the rule of "last chance." Responsibility rests with the driver who has the last chance to avoid an accident.

• Haste makes waste. Saving a few minutes can often result in wasted hours waiting for a policeman, filing a report and filing an insurance claim, not to mention the dangerous possibility of road rage.

• Keep your car engine clean. (This advice was followed by an "in my day" story. Grandfather used to spend hours cleaning the engine of his 1947 Pontiac.)

• Do not use your cell phone while driving. (This delivered with great vocal emphasis.)

• Before you get in your car, check your tires. Check your gauges. Check oil and water. Do not leave a gas tank empty at night. (Significant look at grandmother.)

• Learn how to change tires. (Another significant look at grandmother.)

• Keep studying city maps. Know where you are going. (No use looking at grandmother who ignores inference. Grandson unsuccessfully tries to hide a grin fully aware of grandmother’s adventures.)

Grandmother’s helpful hints:

• Do not drive like your grandfather. He still expects that everyone follows traffic rules. Drive like you know they won’t.

• Be aware of blinking emergency lights. They may mean:

1. The driver is going to turn left at a no-left-turn sign.

2. The driver is going to make a U-turn at a no-U-turn sign.

3. The driver wants to park in a no parking zone.

4. The driver’s amo told him to wait and so he is going to wait in a no-waiting zone.

5. The driver has gone in to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

• If the car in front of you stops, with or without blinking emergency lights on a narrow two-lane street, crane your head and try to look beyond him. He may have stopped for traffic or is inflicted with the "Lemming Syndrome" (Others are parking in a no-parking zone, so why can’t I?)

• Traffic at a standstill for long periods of time should warn you that there is a traffic enforcer some blocks away who has turned off the traffic lights (if any) and is directing traffic. He cannot be expected to know that he is causing a jam at five other intersections, so do not be unduly upset.

• This, however, should warn you to take extra care when you at last reach the intersection where the said traffic enforcer (TE) is enforcing traffic since:

1. TEs rarely have any system, rhyme or reason for directing traffic. They like to make spur-of-the-moment decisions.

2. TEs never look at cars or drivers. That way they avoid blame for any near mishaps and can disown obvious mistakes.

3. This sometimes makes their line of work dangerous because they can very authoritatively and with great energy, give a signal which, if followed, would cause the driver to run them over. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT obey the traffic enforcer in this case.

4. There may be more than one traffic enforcer in a corner. In this case use peripheral vision, cross your eyes or us whatever vision you can but keep your eyes on all the traffic enforcers as they may be acting independently of one another.

• Expect buses to stop in the middle of the street. Expect passengers to alight from said buses in the middle of the street.

• The same for jeepneys.

• Bus drivers drive with blinders, look neither right nor left and have not yet discovered the use of back or side mirrors. Therefore, do not be unduly surprised or upset if they swing out without warning. Using your horn is a useless exercise as well. They are bigger than you.

• Taxi drivers have one pleasure in life and that is to "get one over" private car drivers any way they can. Do not deprive them of that pleasure. It is not worth it. Take it out on your drums, if need be.

• Be kind and considerate to pedestrians even if sometimes they look the wrong way or don’t look at all before crossing the street. After all when they do realize that a busy city street is not the place to go for a leisurely stroll, they will look at you and give you a nice little giggle.

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My grandson used to be so enthusiastic about learning to drive. Lately though he has been skipping his lessons. I wonder why?