Mama Mia!

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much. — Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (1929—94), US First Lady.

Million things have been said about mothers. That mothers are angels on earth, mothers are martyrs, mothers can be such naggers, and of course, that they can be strict and frightening as Hollywood’s "mother dearest." One thing is certain, though. If not for women who mother (and men who father of course, although in vitro is a common phrase in this day and age of cloning and test tube babies), the human race would vanish from the face of the earth. My favorite mother quotes are the following:

• You can have many wives but only one mother. — Anonymous

• Behind every successful man is a woman: his mother. — Anonymous

• God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers. — Jewish Proverb.

* * * Mothering

They say that being a mother is the hardest occupation in the world. True! To be a mother you have to be a cook, baker, laundry woman, accountant, singer (who could at least hum lullabies), comedian, entertainer, teacher, psychologist, friend, confidante, advisor. Through experience, you’ll also get a university of life degree as a doctor, nurse, gardener, tailor, security guard, manicurist, barber, party planner, wardrobe mistress, motivator, peacemaker, judge, clairvoyant, nutritionist, interior decorator, investor, driver, maid, wife, partner and more. To top it all, you have to be patient as a cow and wise like the oracle who has all the answers to a child’s endless questions.

Mothering is a tough occupation but someone’s got to do it. What makes it easier is that all-powerful magic ingredient called love!

* * * Images Of Mothers

Children of all ages have different concepts of their mothers. Here is a rundown from four to 65!

4-year-old child: "My Mommy can do anything!"

8-year-old: "My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!"

12-year-old: "My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything."

14-year-old: "Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either."

16-year-old: "Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned."

18-year-old: "That old woman? She’s way out of date!"

25-year-old: "Well, she might know a little bit about it."

35-year-old: "Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion."

45-year-old: "Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?"

65-year-old: "Wish I could talk it over with Mom." Sender: Bobbie 07

* * * Things Mother Taught

• My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done — "If you’re going kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning."

• My mother taught me religion — "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

• My mother taught me about time travel — "If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

• My mother taught me logic — "Because I said so, that’s why."

• My mother taught me foresight — "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

• My mother taught me irony — "Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about."

• My mother taught me about the science of osmosis — "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

• My mother taught me about contortionism — "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

• My mother taught me about stamina — "You’ll sit there ‘til all that spinach is finished."

• My mother taught me about the weather — "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

• My mother taught me how to solve physics problems — "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

• My mother taught me about hypocrisy — "If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!"

• My mother taught me the circle of life — "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

• My mother taught me about behavior modification — "Stop acting like your father!"

• My mother taught me about envy — "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!" Thanks, mom! - Sender: Jefferson P. Tan

* * * My Mom’s Most Memorable Quote

My mother was a stickler for clean, fragrant-smelling clothes. Even after our maid had washed the laundry, she would re-do the clothes until all smelled wonderfully sweet and clean. The most memorable statement she often repeated was: "When I am gone, you will remember me when your newly laundered clothes stink!"

I remember her quite often.

* * * "Momtionary"

Here are some words that you and I commonly use for one meaning but have a completely different meaning to mothers:

Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Bottle feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m., too.

Defense: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.

Dumb waiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

Feedback: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: how we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.

Look out!: what’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Owww: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

Show off: a child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as not to upset the children.

Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Top bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: when the baby’s face turns red and it begins to make those familiar, grunting noises.

Verbal: able to whine in words.

Weaker sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."— Sender: Os Perez

* * * Two Mothers Are Calling

There are two mothers calling out to us today. One is Mother Nature, begging us to stop polluting the environment, endangering ourselves and other species.

Another mother desperately crying for our concern and immediate action is our motherland, Inang Bayan. She has been plundered, violated and abused by foreign invaders and Filipinos alike. We must do something quick before our beautiful islands become a fiery hell with no way out. These coming elections, choose the best candidates who will bring peace, prosperity, solidarity and happiness to our country and people.

* * * Last Minute Election Tips

Here are some last minute tips for election day:

• Write down a sample ballot with your choice candidates to cut down on voting time.

• Go to the polls early; don’t wait for the last tense-filled minute.

• Keep cool. Maintain sobriety and prevent senseless violence.

• Abide by the gun and alcohol ban.

• Politicians: If you lose, take it as a lesson; if you win, take it as a great challenge to really help our people.

• Vote wisely, and vote with your conscience!

P.S. (Pedero Suggests)

For a real gustatory experience, go to the Crab Festival going on at Brasserie Bleu at the West Tower Condominium, South Super Highway corner Gen. P. Garcia St., Bangkal, Makati City. You must ask for the "Crab con Gata", a luscious crab swimming in creamy and spicy coconut milk, a winner-of-a-dish concocted by the restaurant’s vibrant owner Chona Evangelista. You’d be screaming for more! They do run out of this dish due to its popularity so it is best to call 888-58-01 to 03 for reservations as well as directions on how to get there. Bon appetit!

Happy Mother’s Day to all, and have a safe and honest election day!

* * *

I’d love to hear from you! E-mail deeperdoor@yahoo.com or deropedero@hotmail.com. My book Jewels for the Mind, a collection of thoughts, formulas and affirmations for success, prosperity and fulfillment, is available at National Book Store, Powerbooks and PageOne, Rockwell. Thanks for all your letters and e-mail!