The real purpose of the Internet: Ask a cat

Sociologists tell us that popular acceptance of a technology is determined by how efficiently it can distribute pornography. The printing press, photography, video and the Internet are among the technologies that have thrived thanks to their porn distribution capabilities.

How many porn sites are there on the Net? We’re guessing there are bajillions; we will not delve into that topic lest we invite the unwanted attentions of online pharmacies offering penile enlargement treatments. However, even a cursory trawl online tells us that there are bajillions of websites devoted to cats, and even more pictures of cats on social media and sites that aren’t even about cats.

As one wise person put it, the Internet is really a sophisticated worldwide cat picture distribution system.

People post pictures of their cats; people who don’t even live with cats post pictures of cats. LOLcats — cat photos accompanied by ungrammatical text that is supposed to be humorous — are among mankind’s biggest distractions. Initially our cats were offended at the suggestion that cats have faulty English grammar, but they concede that the feline takeover of the Net might not have happened as fast (and in the digital age “fast” means “instantaneous”) if LOLcats spoke in the cadences of the King James Bible.

How did cats become the dominant non-human species on the Internet? Why not dogs who, after all, are man’s best friend?

Dogs are in vogue in the current cinema: canine actors (Jack Russells mainly) have major roles in highly-regarded films like The Artist and Beginners. You’d have to go all the way back to Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1967) to find a feline actor (Cat) in a substantial role; cats are usually relegated to evil henchmen parts (James Bond movies, Austin Powers).

Yet on the Net, cats rule.

Is it because cats are photogenic? We don’t know about your cats, but at the sight of a camera two of our cats immediately start posing. If cats had lips they’d be pouting. (The only exception is our white-and-black tabby Mat, who flees when he sees a lens and generally carries on as if every human is out to kidnap him.)

Dogs also make excellent photographic subjects — William Wegman’s elegant Weimaraners are among the finest examples — but their expressions tend to be limited to “happy,” “Attack!” and “happy.” Cats are the Zoolander of the animal kingdom — they may have one facial expression, but it can convey whatever you want it to. Contempt, indifference, superiority, boredom, contemplation, contemplation of objects in the household that they intend to destroy — Come to think of it, cats are more suited to French cinema than Hollywood.

Perhaps the online popularity of felines is due to their cuteness. It would be naïve to assume that cats do not know how adorable they are — they are thrice as sharp as they are fluffy. Cats are aware that cuteness is their primary weapon in the urban world, and as humans encroach further into their natural habitats, predatory cats are well advised to consider humans as future nannies rather than present dinners. And like those pretty persons you had crushes on in high school, cats know exactly how to use their cuteness to enslave you.

Remember the captain of the tennis team, the one you hoped would get amnesia from a concussion so you could convince him that he’d already asked you to the prom? How did he maintain his power over you even if you never had a conversation longer than “Hi” and could not ascertain if he could walk and talk at the same time? By ignoring you! The more he ignored you, the more desperate you became for the slightest shred of attention.

Cats are like that. They ignore you most of the time, which only makes you needier. You bribe them with treats, string toys, catnip, and offer your favorite shoes for them to shred. They turn up their noses at your pathetic offerings.

Then in the pits of your despair, when you are considering the adoption of a mongoose or a boa constrictor in order to get the affection the cat never gives you, the cat notices you are alive. He may snuggle up to you or rub his face against your ankles. He may sit beside your monitor as you are writing your Pet Life column and gaze up at you in a fascinated manner.

Dogs are cute, but generally too available. Pat them on the head and they’re yours forever. When a cat deigns to acknowledge your existence, it feels like an extraordinary event. Distributing cat pictures on the Internet is the hapless humans’ way of claiming affinity with the creatures they live with but will never really own or understand.

Of course it is also possible that cat pictures are a sophisticated cover for porn.