Holiday shopping for cats

Hello, I am Koosi the cat columnist.

You may be wondering what my qualifications are. Well, I am a cat and my human is a columnist, so cease your pointless questioning.

Cats not only love getting presents, we expect them to arrive constantly. For 10,000 years, ever since my ancestors moved in on human settlements, took up residence in granaries where they demonstrated their amazing pest control skills and got invited into people’s houses soon afterwards, this has been the nature of the feline-human relationship. You give us food, shelter and treats (and built temples to us in Egypt, but that’s another story); we receive them.

Cats have super-hearing so I can hear the gears of your brains shifting and forming the question: What do we get in return for the food, shelter and treats we give you cats? Aha! You are a dog person. Go play with Bantay, Spot, Fifi or whatever his name is. I’m sure you’ll get along wonderfully. Take him for a walk around the park, and don’t forget to bring the gloves and plastic bag for his poop.

Doggies are so sweet. It is not true that cats and dogs don’t get along. That is a myth propagated by human cartoonists. If you see us chasing each other around the house, we are merely performing the roles people have assigned to us: that of lovable, troublesome pets. (Pets! There’s a subject for a book.) We are giving you what you expect. You’re prepared to see us leaping onto tables, knocking bric-a-bracs onto the floor (the human propensity for collecting useless dust-gathering objects never ceases to amaze us), breaking things and rappelling down the curtains.

But if you were to come home and see your cats sipping port while watching Breaking Bad season 4 or reading Don DeLillo’s The Angel Esmeralda and arguing over Martin Amis’s statement that when you say you love an author you mean you love half of what he’s written, you would freak out. It comforts you to see “dumb” animals. Let me put “dumb” into context.

Cats meow, right? Nope. You won’t catch us meowing in the wild; we growl, hiss and sing the occasional aria, but we do not meow among ourselves. We meow at you because you like the sound. You think it is adorable, and why should we disavow you of that notion? It is very effective for getting whatever we want. We look at you with big eyes, put a paw on your arm or maybe rub our cheeks against your hand, meow, and that nice goat cheese you found at the market is ours.

Wait, we were talking about dog poop. One primary difference between cats and dogs is our attitude towards hygiene. We don’t like to leave our poop lying around—what, so predators can track us? Unless of course you have displeased us in some way, such as not handing over that nice goat cheese when we asked. Then we will leave a reeking souvenir on the most expensive piece of fabric in your house, or if we’re really ticked off, on the mattress under your sheets where you will not find it until it’s too late.

Besides, our poop is a powerful biological weapon, and not just because it is probably the foulest stench known to you. It contains an insidious organism called Toxoplasma gondii, toxo for short. Basically it rewires the brains of our prey so that when they smell us, instead of running away they come to us. It’s brilliant! According to recent studies it also affects humans in subtle ways—obviously you’re too big for us to eat, and it would be daft to eat you when you bring us our food. I mean, who wants to subsist on mice?

The truth is, we “domesticated” cats only hunt mice for entertainment. We don’t actually eat them, gross, we just torture them, torment them, and then we kill them. Don’t worry, environmentalists, there’s so much more where they came from. Sometimes we present the rodent carcasses to our humans—as a token of our affection, of course. You should hear how they shriek, it’s so amusing. Then we can look hurt at having our gift refused, and then they feel guilty and buy us a bribe, like a pot of Beluga caviar, which I personally find too salty. My point being: Who says we give nothing in return?

What are these subtle ways in which toxo alters the behavior of humans? Scientists believe that it makes them fearless, foolhardy and more inclined to plot world domination. Yes, it makes humans more like cats.

Oops, I almost forgot the subject I was asked to discuss. Here is a very helpful list of places where you may buy holiday gifts for cats, especially me.

1. Hermes

2. Anyplace that has really good cheese

3. Prada has cat’s eye glasses. Cats in cat’s eye glasses: So clever!

4. Commes des Garcon

5. Hardware stores. String!

6. Airlines. Please note that we can only fly first class or business; they make a fuss in coach when we arrive in our carriers.

7. Organic food stores that carry catnip.

8. Ilocos Norte where they make abel blankets that withstand my attempts to unravel them.

9. Apple stores. Cats love iPads, especially the drawing apps.

Now go buy presents for your cats and remember: You are doing it of your own free will. Meow.

* * *

If you have a question for Koosi visit JessicaRulestheUniverse.com.