Losing heaven
I was sitting in the car when I heard the song If I Ever Lose This Heaven, sung by the Stylistics, around 40 years ago. I was almost 30 then, living a life in heaven. Okay, not really. I lived in a big house on McKinley Road in old Forbes Park, the house and my car just passed. My Significant Other or SO from now on was a rich man who said he had bought the house for me but of course did not put it in my name.
I loved that big beautiful house, planted many trees in the large garden. Already it had many trees, even a rimas or breadfruit tree, a lovely old macopa, a towering kaong palm. We planted mango and lanzones trees in the garden. Then our relationship slowly fell apart.
You know how sometimes your life is guided by the books you read? I was reading Erica Jong’s How to Save Your Own Life, and in a way I was grappling with the issue of how to save our relationship. From what I remember I think Jong said you have to save yourself. How do you do that? I think I talked a lot to myself. And why not? Who would I talk to? My SO always came home late at night and I knew in my bones he had other women.
I remember making up my mind to leave him but the biggest question was what would I do if I lost this heaven — the big beautiful house with its lush garden, my children’s happiness. How does one decide to leave or not leave a dying relationship?
I know one afternoon I walked around the garden saying goodbye to every tree, every plant, every antique, everything that I loved, I touched and said goodbye to. But we did not yet break up then. We broke up a little bit later. How do you know when to break up? Something just happens and out of the blue you decide – I’m outta here. That’s the way it always happens with me.
So I lost that heaven forever. I never had a house so big and beautiful again. I never had that sort of careless lifestyle where money was deposited into your account and you never had to worry about where it was coming from. I never had an SO again. I had to earn my own support and often there was a financial crisis. One of my clients says he always remembers arriving at my office and finding me struggling with my checkbook. But all that hassle never bothered me because I felt free to do what I wanted, to buy what I wanted when I could afford it or to save up for it.
I learned how to do many things. Up to this day I shop for cheap basic clothes. I was walking through the Greenhills tiangge the other day with my cousin and I said, “I will go crazy living near here. I buy my clothes at places like this.†I accessorize with blings I make myself and all that creativity fills my life now.
Now I love to move house. I’m not the type of woman who settles in, grows roots and clasps the earth tightly never letting go. I love to go all over to find a new flat. For the past three years I have been living in a condo near Greenbelt 5. I thought then that I would die at 69, because after my stroke I heard a voice that said I would live to be 69. Well, now I am 69 and five months, and I don’t feel like I’m going to die yet. I decided to move because my flat has gotten too expensive for me. I want a cheaper flat with a view.
Now my flat is on the third floor and it is always dark. I want to move where I can see the moon again, have it shine on my bed when it’s full. I love the moon but I have not seen it in three years. I think that lack has been dragging me down. I desperately need my moon.
Well, I found a new beautiful flat with plenty of light near the Greenhills area where once I lived for five years until the landlord sold the place and booted me out. It has a lovely view of everything and on a clear day you can see as far as Roxas Boulevard. I am once again very excited.
What will you do if you ever lose your heaven? Redefine heaven and build it for yourself. It doesn’t have to be as big or as full of trees but it’s a place that embraces you and makes you happy. It’s a place that you fix yourself, make as eccentric as you are. It is a heaven you create for yourself.
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