Top five regrets
I opened my email and found something from one of my writing students titled “Top Five Regrets,” written by an American named Bronnie Ware who worked in what he calls “palliative care,” meaning people who are dying.
“My patients were those who had gone home to die,” he wrote. He had spent the last three to 12 weeks of their lives with them and was amazed at the way they faced their mortality. He says every single one of the patients went through the expected emotions — denial, fear, anger, remorse and eventually acceptance. But, he points out, every single patient found peace before he or she died.
Before I proceed let me just reassure everyone that I neither have a death wish nor do I feel suicidal. However, I look forward to the death experience as the people I have interviewed made it look special. So please no more panicky calls thinking I will commit suicide because I very clearly will not. Okay?
Back to Bonnie Ware. In his conversations with his dying patients he asked them about their regrets and he found five common ones. I am writing about them because I found that they were among the things I like to write about. I figure, if you are young and you read my column and obey my sneaked-in advice, you may get into trouble with the authorities in your life but in the end you will be much happier and you will not have too many regrets.
The first and most common regret is: I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. When people realize their life is almost over they look back and clearly see how many of their dreams have gone unfulfilled maybe because they gave in to other people or did not listen that well to themselves. I think this is because they feared what other people would say about them. My advice is follow what you want no matter how wrong it seems to others. If they are right, you will learn your lessons well. If they are wrong, you will still learn your lessons well. So why listen to them? You have your own life to live. Live it.
The second regret is: I wish I didn’t work so hard. I know what that means. I am still alive and I have that regret because I had to become my family’s main breadwinner. I should have known better. Then I would not have had to pay for the consequences of working as hard as I did. But never mind, we have all adjusted. Only now when I think about those days. I feel a certain amount of sorrow.
The third regret is: I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Or maybe they thought expressing their feelings would get in the way of their lives. The interesting side of this problem is when you suppress your feelings, you get sick. Some people develop diseases of their kidneys, immune system, cancer, heart disease, something related to the bitterness or resentment they suppressed. We never can control the feelings of others. They may react negatively initially when we speak honestly and tell the truth as we know it but in the end, speaking honestly raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Or the person who did not like what we said honestly may disappear from our life. Think about it – either way we win. We have less of a burden to carry.
The fourth regret is: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Ware says everyone misses their old friends when they are dying. In the end the concerns are not about property or money but about love and relationships. What is it that we can carry into the next life anyway? Only memories. What are memories but time spent with loved ones, with real friends?
The fifth regret, more common to many, is: I wish I let myself be happier. Many of Ware’s patients did not realize that always you can choose happiness. Many of them stayed stuck to their old patterns and habits. Many of them feared change. They did not recognize they had a need to be silly and laugh out loud. They did not realize that they had a need for happiness.
Bronnie Ware tells us in the end, “When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.”
And live fully, live well, live joyfully!
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