Red shoes & leaving
Many of the people who have been reading me over the years must remember that once upon a time I was “in love” with Carl Gustav Jung. He is one of the known psychotherapists in the world. Initially he worked with Sigmund Freud but then they had their falling out. Anyway, one day in the ‘90s I found myself extremely exhausted, couldn’t get any rest. My eyes fell on a Jung Festival that was going to be held at the Ateneo in Diliman and I decided to go. I did not know what it was but I went anyway and totally enjoyed myself.
Yes, it’s true, Jung is a psychotherapist so there must be some of that that goes on but what I love about these Jung seminars is they always lead you into deeper insights about yourself. And afterwards you feel happy, that you got such a valuable insight, even if what you want to do is hit your head against a wall and punish yourself for your stupidity.
I went to the Jung seminar on The Wild Woman last May 17 because it was my way of celebrating my father’s 93 rd birthday and rediscovering Jung. I had forgotten how much his seminars had done for me. I thought I would just go, find my creativity again and have a good time.
The Wild Woman seminar takes off from reading two stories. The first story is the “Red Shoes,” about a little orphaned girl who is so poor but who successfully made red cloth shoes for herself and the journey she takes after that. I wish I could re-tell the story but then my column would be too long. The second day we take of from the story of “Bluebeard” and how his wife saved herself from being killed by him. Both stories are about women and the tragedies they get themselves into.
“Red Shoes” took me back to the last major (like a marriage) relationship I had with a man who is now gone. He offered me the world and I — like total fool — believed him. That’s what all women do. We believe and perpetually hope. Then life afterwards disappoints us so profoundly. Do we do anything about it? Most women will say no. They use their religion, their children, their culture as their excuse for staying. Some women see their husbands as their source of funds and instead of looking for something they can do to earn money, they stay and suffer, and explain to themselves that they are simply dependent on him for support.
In a way I have saved my own life by disbelieving that myth. I always believed that my man would be faithful to me and would love me before any other. When I found out that he did not, that he had so many other women in his life, that made me very angry but I did not do anything. I was waiting for the right provocation. One day it finally came and I decided to take it. I remember walking around the house and around my garden, visiting everything I loved about his wealth that enabled me to acquire so much. I touched the trees and said goodbye. I had to go. Everything in the house was bought with dirty money.
My children and I moved to a much smaller house. I went back to work and supported my family almost by myself. It was hard in the beginning but in the end it was worth it. Why should I live with a man who doesn’t think I am worth being faithful to? That is not worth it at all.
In the end I am very proud of myself for doing what I did. I think that’s what I got in the “Red Shoes” seminar. I saw my life in perspective and now I feel I can write my next book and tell my full story for my children so they will understand what made their parents the way we became, not just so they can forgive us because forgiveness has been there, but so they can learn and understand why our lives turned out this way.
There is one truth that eludes all women. We each have the ability to earn our own money and to live good lives. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that you need a man to support yourself. You don’t. If you have one maybe he can make you happy once in a while but nothing will make you happier than earning your own money and being able to do what you want with it.
In the end I am smart and very independent. I can look back on my life and scold myself for being so blind and stupid and falling in love. But in the end I am happy and proud. I saved myself.
There’s another Jung seminar on June 1 on “Tarot and Synchronicity.” This is for a selected audience only, and there are only three seats left. So call now if you want go and learn about “Tarot and Synchronicity.” This will be given by Bernie Nepomuceno, who is terrific at this.
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