Were you in love or in-sane?

Hindsight is better than foresight when it comes to examining a happy or a failed marriage. You can look back at what you’ve done and pinpoint the culprit. When did this whole madness begin?

I dated this fellow who was a wiz kid, dean’s lister, topped in all exams and was a born entrepreneur. I knew him as a one-woman man, was faithful to his girlfriend and never let his eyes roam. He was happy with his choice and was preparing to spend and stake his future on her. But the relationship floundered so he went through the pain and the hurt of a broken heart. I never bothered to ask who was at fault but I was inclined to be on his side because he was gentle and kind and he made me laugh.

Another was a ladies’ man. He loved to check the neighborhood and see what was on the other side of the fence. He racked up a reputation for chasing skirts. In fact, the joke among his peers was that if you wrapped a skirt around a street post, he would have seduced it. It got so bad that he went steady with two girls at the same time and he shuffled from one house to the other, splitting his weekends and not finding time for a bit of rest. On top of that, he managed to court two other girls and made them believe that they were his “one and only.” A typical Casanova.

A third was Cupid’s perfect target, a bulls-eye. He saw moonlight and stars and was obsessed with pinning me down pat to a life of togetherness. But he was 17 and I was 16. There was no way that I was abandoning my future for him even when he went down on one knee begging me to elope. I could not believe he did that and although I took pity, I still did not acquiesce.

The fourth was a regular guy who was street smart, very gentle and kind and sang like Perry Como. He was older and at that time, seeing someone older was discouraged because the age gap could raise some problem somewhere down the road especially if I was still young and carefree and he was not. 

Finally, at the ripe old age of 25 (in my generation, I already ran the risk of being branded an old maid — and missed it by a hairline), I got married to none of the above. But being a small world, news about my exes reached me:

The wiz kid who was a one-woman man, two-timed his wife. He cheated on her and had a sordid liaison with his wife’s best friend. His wife was so shocked that she could not react to this dalliance immediately. They separated but that wasn’t the end of it. He cheated again on his “second” wife who caught him in their conjugal bed with another woman, the third, and counting. The second wife immediately left him and is back to being single again. What happened to him? How could a man with all the right virtues turn out to be a heel? 

The ladies’ man easily found a wife. The wife didn’t mind his reputation for fooling around. She thought that she could change him the moment that he slipped his wedding band on his finger. “I will keep him interested in me,” she vowed. Barely passing the seven-year itch, his eyes went shopping and didn’t stop. The wife, disgusted and dejected, asked for a legal separation and it was too late when he realized that he was a fool to have not taken his marriage seriously. The wife met another man who gave her a chance to find and keep true love and happiness.

Once a playboy always a playboy. My aunties used to say, “Be wary. Don’t ever choose a lover boy. He may be a good provider and you will never want for the good life but you will never have a good night’s sleep because he will always be out at night and when you’re married to him, will you waste your life away crying your heart and your eyes out? You marry for a better life, not for hell.”

The regular guy who sang like a crooner also got married. He was a good provider and was a reliable husband and a devoted father. But his heart was never quite in the right place. Was he pining for the love that got away? Maybe, but his wife would never know; he won’t tell and she won’t ask.

It was not fair to the wife to be compared to an old love. Forget the past. Your present and your future belong to your wife. She was not your first love, maybe not your true love, but she is a steady and reliable love. You can count on her to be there until you dream your last. Give her the love she deserves. 

The young man who went down on one knee left for abroad and met his wife and raised a family there. He got married for the sake of marrying but never loved his wife with the same passion that he loved his first love. He died young, carrying a torch for his true love.

This was too heartbreaking for the wife to know. Surely, time would have taught him to love her too. Not with the same passion perhaps, but a nice comfortable kind of love that would last until their waning years.

Another couple I know stayed together despite the long list of infidelities of the husband. The wife always prayed for consolation and enlightenment. That saved the marriage despite her maniac of a husband who was not only a womanizer but was a sex pervert as well. One night, the wife heard a rustling sound coming from the maid’s bedroom. Terror gripped her because a woman can always feel when something is not quite right. She held a loaded gun that was kept in her husband’s drawer. Softly she prayed, “Please don’t let me catch my husband in bed with my maid. I might not be able to take the betrayal and the ugliness. Please keep me from committing a vengeful act.” She carefully turned the knob of the door and sighed with relief. The maid was in bed, alone. “Thank God, thank you for your mercy!” she cried. She went up the stairs, smiling. If she stood longer in the dark, she would have noticed that the closet door in the maid’s room was left ajar. A pair of leather Gucci loafers was visible.

The kind of man you end up with is only revealed when you’re married to him. Prior to that you would have been swept off your feet blinded by love and you would have failed to catch the signs or see the red flags, if not ignore them completely.

Pray for guidance, discernment and enlightenment. And don’t forget St. Joseph, the patron saint to find a good partner in life. In all the trials and pitfalls in marriage, praying can be your anchor and your strength.