What kind of a friend are you?

A woman entered the same lift that I was using and gave me a blank stare.  She pressed the button.  Not a whimper, not a nod, not a sign of recognition.  I’d met her several times before, so often in fact that I would interrupt the person who was giving us the courtesy of getting acquainted with each other and say, “I’ve met her before; so-and-so was our mutual friend, etc.”  But still, every time we were introduced, she’d nod out of habit, I guess, say something forgettable and that was my cue to turn my interest to someone or something else.  If she could not be bothered, why should I? 

You meet a lot of these characters in cocktail parties where the drinks and the din render you unrecognizable in broad daylight.  Don’t lose blood over them.  It’s a fact of life: there are friends and then there are friends.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle made it easy to spot the three different types of friends (with reference to blogs from Tony Carson and Tim Madigan):

1. Friends of utility are people who are on cordial terms because each person benefits from the other in some way. Business partnerships, relationships among co-workers, and classmate connections are examples.

2. Friends of pleasure are those who seek out each other’s company because of the joy it brings. Burning love affairs, people associating with each other due to the same interest or hobby like archery, poker, book club, needlecraft, scrapbooking, etc.    

The first two types of friendship are relatively fragile. When the purpose for which the relationship is formed somehow changes or stops, then these friendships tend to end. For instance, if the business partnership is dissolved, or if you take another job, or graduate from school, it is more likely that no ties will be maintained with the former friend of utility.

Likewise, once the love affair wanes or falls apart, or you take up a new hobby, these friends of pleasure will go their own ways and seek new friends with the same likes.

The analysis of friends of utility did not, however, apply to my former classmates in high school and college.  On the contrary, the fact that we had a shared past drew us closer to each other now that we’re older and entering the golden years of our cycle.  With competition gone and books gathering dust in some corner of the basement, we realize that we appreciate each other’s unique traits and strengths and acts of kindness and generosity.

Friends of utility who turned out to be Friends of the Good as well:  Sonia Lopez, Marfina Teodoro, Baby Araneta, Entang Carballo, Marieliese Evaristo

One classmate functions as the glue to get everybody together and remains understanding of each other’s wackiness and shortcomings.  Another acts as the social secretary who takes time to phone and contact everyone, while the others form committees to either take care of programs to entertain us or begin a humanitarian project so that we are able to pay back in time and tender all the blessings that have been poured on us individually and collectively. 

I see this at work particularly when problems or tragedies rain down on any one of us and we gather to hold each other’s hands, if not offer a shoulder to cry on and also dig deep into our pockets for token donations. Do not forget the power of prayer as we lift our hearts to intercede and pray for each other.  These prayer warriors or prayer brigade have been our constant source of hope, solace and comfort.

Why is this so?  Even if many classmates were not in my small circle of school chums, after graduating and having spent time nurturing career and family, I discovered that my classmates had blossomed into new personalities who were charming, smart and caring.  Not only that, we discovered that we shared some of the common experiences of being a wife, mother, and grandmother with other roles thrown in for good measure.  And if we are tired or occupied, we don’t have to meet up with them.  No one puts any pressure on anyone.

3. Friends of the good. This is the third and most important of all the types of friends. These are friends you keep based upon mutual respect and admiration for each other’s virtues, and a strong desire to aid and assist the other person because one recognizes their essential goodness.  More than that, these are the friends who bring out the best in you and even if they see the grumpy, prima-donna and testy, cheeky side of you, they don’t get lost and still see the bigger picture: the real you, all heart and honesty.

Such friends become your friends for life.  This bond is often formed early in childhood or adolescence, and will exist so long as the friends continue to remain virtuous in each other’s eyes.

“To have more than a handful of such friends of the good is indeed a fortunate thing,” Aristotle states.  People of this kind are rare.  One blogger even said that his mother used to say, “Make new friends but keep the old, for one is silver and the other is gold.”

Friends of the good require time and intimacy.  To truly know people’s finest qualities you must have deep experiences with them, and close connections.  These are the girlfriends who are closer to you than your blood sisters who stood by you in good times and in bad.

Friends of pleasure who are now Friends of the Good after our joint pilgrimage to the Marian sites:  Father Dave Concepcion leading the group of Aida Betita, Belinda Villanueva, Becca Ibarrola, Bella, Bess and Monching Tojos, Eunice Cruz, Mel Inocentes, Fred and Carleen Reyes, Jun and Ester Tagud, Bons Carstensen.

At the wake for an old aunt, another aunt sat next to me and giggled, “Do you know that when your Tita A. was on her deathbed and she was surrounded by your tito and her children, she kept uttering the name of a certain Prospero? Your cousins got so puzzled that they asked, ‘Who is Prospero?  That’s not Dad’s name.’  I knew who Prospero was,” said my aunt.  “He was the man your Tita A. was engaged to marry but he met an accident a few days before the wedding.  I guess she never quite forgot her one true love in spite of her marriage to your tito.  On her deathbed, she probably saw Prospero extending his hand to take her to paradise.”

I laughed at the idea of holding hands with an old flame to go to heaven.  It’s so like the movie Somewhere in Time, therefore so unreal. 

However, when I met up with my girlfriends on one of those “just because” occasions, I related to them the story of my Tita A.  They all burst out laughing.  “Aha!”  I thought.   How many of my girlfriends still harbor a secret of the heart that might just come spilling out in our last few minutes on earth? 

Hold the thought.  One stood up and declared, “Let’s all make a pact, my dear amigas, that when that fateful hour arrives, we promise each other to sit closest to the bed so that we will be the first one to hear whatever name comes out of our dying lips.  And if perchance a “strange” name — far, far different from our husband’s is spoken — we will do the last act of loyalty and friendship expected among old friends:  We will gently press on the lips of our loving friend to silence her so that she takes her secret to the next life.”

“Yeah, yeah!” chorused everyone.  “We save her husband and her family from further distress and we serve each other’s parting sentiments.”  Romantic, don’t you think?

I just had one fickle thought:  What happens to the last one in our group?  Who will keep her quiet? 

In 2012, I wish you friends who echo the song that you keep singing in your heart and may they remain standing (or sitting) to hear every parting wish you make.