Why this marriage will endure

It was not intentional but in a Mass to celebrate a wedding anniversary, the priest turned to the churchgoers to say, “This is the first time that the First Reading (from the Book of Sirach) centered on the qualities of a wife.” All the wives and women nodded simultaneously.

Now, that it was intentional.

“If you find a wife who is truthful, forgiving, beautiful inside and she is like the flowers in the field, intelligent and generous too, she is a gift from God,” said the priest.

The men inside the church started to snicker and one hollered, “What if she’s a wife from hell?” A lady parishioner snapped back, “Welcome to your nightmare, buddy.”

The priest, Fr. Dave Concepcion, continued, “Every couple must not aim for a successful marriage but rather for a happy marriage. After spending years together —15, 40, 50 or 60 years — what has become of your marriage? Do you still consider your marriage truly lived in love or in tons of sacrifice?”

 In Tagalog, the words to describe the difference sounded more crisp and appropriate to me: “Pagmamahal pa ba o pag titiis ang pagsasama ninyo?”

Fr. Dave said, “You marry someone who is not perfect but one who continues to journey with you towards perfection. Love is measured not during the times that you agree but during the times when you disagree.” 

Is this why many of the wives I know choose to frown — eyebrows meeting and knotting in the center of the forehead — and just as quickly, break into a wry, meaningful smile?  That’s because these darling and obedient wives had just slaughtered their infuriating husbands, mentally: “Ah, anak (son), do me a favor. Will you please pick up your dad’s head off the floor?”

“The measure of your love is in the bigness or extent of your sacrifice.”

Husbands, however, are guilty of neglect or taking things, errr, taking their wives, for granted.

See how most husbands keep and mind their cell phones better than they do their wives. He can’t sleep without it. He makes sure it is constantly charged and if he accidentally drops it, he cries in horror, picks it up, checks for cracks or damage, wipes it and caresses it back to its original state.

Fr. Dave observed, “But if a wife trips or falls, the husband who walks ahead of his wife looks back and exclaims, “Tatanga-tanga ka kasi!” (You fell because you’re clumsy and not alert.)

Fr. Dave admonishes, “Be gentle with each other and be patient.”

There was the story of a husband who complained that his wife was hard of hearing. The priest suggested to the husband to exercise patience and to try standing closer and closer to the wife until she could hear him speak clearly.

When the husband came home from work, he remembered the priest’s advice and bellowed from the front door, “Sweetheart, what’s for dinner?” The wife did not reply. Following the suggestion from the priest, the husband stepped five feet closer, from the sala. He repeated, “Sweetheart, what’s for dinner?” Again, no response. Taking a deep breath, the husband moved closer to the wife, from the dining area. Again, he addressed his question to the wife and when she didn’t react, the husband finally walked into the kitchen and stood behind her. With growing frustration, he asked again, “Sweetheart, what’s for dinner tonight?” With exasperation, the wife exclaimed, “Ano ka ba? (What’s with you?) I’ve been telling you from the time you opened the front door, it’s adobo!”

You see that? Some things do cause misunderstanding; it’s natural. But it’s good to be humble enough to realize that maybe what you see (or hear or don’t hear) is not or what it really is.

  Fr. Dave gave these reminders: “Three things you must faithfully do in marriage even if you grow old: Always say “thank you”; do not be afraid to say I’m sorry because it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of love; never tire of saying to each other, “I love you.”

   Some husbands do thank, apologize and express love but not in a direct manner. Instead of thanking the wife, he may say, “I think the eggplant moussaka was the favorite of our guests tonight. Did you concoct that?” Another would say, “After 43 years, surely you’d know that I was only kidding, right?” Or the husband would burst into a song, “In the still of the night while my heart was in slumber, all the times without number, darling when I say to you…Do you love me, as I love you?”

Fr. Dave also said, “Every time you pray, review the presence of God in your relationship.”

I think it is beautiful and heartwarming to see couples holding hands or looking out for each other even when they’re in the company of friends. I know of a couple, Jun and Ester; and instinctively Jun reaches out for Ester’s hands even while riding in their car. It made me think of the phrase ménage a trois not to connote a destructive liaison but referring instead to the strong bond between a husband and his wife with God in the center of their lives.

“For all husbands: Remember three things about women: She needs to be affirmed, to be admired and to be assured. Continue to express your admiration for her.”

That is why when a husband enters a room, remember not to ignore your wife lest you suffer her fury. And believe me, you wouldn’t want to see this side of your wife, would you? “Fury?” the husband gasped, “She’s a hurricane.”

  “The secret of a happy marriage is gratitude — the secret of a failed marriage is grumbling.”

To love your mate is a conscious decision. You learn to accept him through his warts and “weird-ness.”

You are responsible for making your life better. I use as a gauge the quality of life that our loving and generous parents raised us in. Make a conscious effort to maintain that standard if not improve on it. With grace and blessings from above and a lot of patience and mental resolve and love, you stand a fair chance of making it through any storm and many more anniversaries. 

So go ahead, take a crack at it and never end up like Humpty Dumpty.