Mother-in-law: The best & the worst
At the age of 82, my mother went up to heaven. From among those who showed kindness during the last rites, I got the most comfort from watching my sisters-in-law or SILs. They were hurting as much as the rest of us. That’s because my Nanay did not draw any imaginary line to separate her “acquired” daughters from her own. She remained consistently kind through many great changes and shifts of fortune in our family.
One time, my SIL showed me an evening bag that was beaded and embellished with semi-precious stones, “Oh wow!” I exclaimed. “This is a work of art. Where did you get this?” My SIL smiled and with a hint of pride remarked, “Nanay gave that to me, custom-made in Japan.” Her bag was at least 50 years old. Whatever material gifts my mother showered on us were equally showered on her four manugang. My father also gave them a monthly stipend for the “ah basta and the just because” desires of their hearts, making them really special and spoiled.
However, my brothers got weary of this mother-in-law (or MIL) and daughter-in-law (or DIL) alliance and connivance. During times when a row would erupt between my brothers and their respective wives, my mother would automatically take the side of her in-laws to the shock and horror of her sons.
Her argument: “Wives sacrifice a lot, giving weight to what was best for husbands and children while these full-of-menace-and-madness husbands do not.” My brothers had to debate their way out of a domestic tiff but it never worked on my mother. She believed that men must be subdued by compassion to maintain harmony in the family.
But once order was established, my mother returned to fussing over her sons, providing the palliative to apply on their wounded egos. Regardless of who was right or wrong, she emphasized to her sons that wives must be treated with utmost gentleness and generosity.
Jokes and attacks on MILs were therefore not applicable to my mother; neither could she be lampooned by standup comedians.
But could some MILs really come from hell?
“You bet!” my friend exclaimed. “Mine was nasty. She looked at me as a threat to her and contradicted me incessantly. Sometimes, I wonder what sin I had committed to find a witch like her in my life?” This MIL put her DIL to shame in full view of her husband and their children. She was excluded from family soirees, treated like a piece of furniture or, worse, a doormat that one can step on and rub the dirt off one’s shoes.
When I got married, I also asked, “Will I get along with my MIL?” Or would I join an emerging class of married women who had maimed, mocked, mangled, mortified and even murdered their MILs in their sleep?
My MIL is a cut above the rest. She cries instantly.
If you say goodbye to her, she’d hold her breath and leave your sight because she would have pulled out her hanky and had gone into hiding to cry. This uncontrollable sentimentality over her children took center stage over her other roles. She was happy to stay in the background, behind curtains if you like, so that any hint of wearing her heart on her sleeves was altogether camouflaged. She also distanced herself from those with hearts of stone. That means that you would never spot her in any social gathering. Her territory was her kitchen and her bakeshop churning one baking delight after another if not concocting dishes to make the gods delirious with indulgence. The latter I welcomed with much relief because I was never a whiz in the kitchen.
To my MIL, there was no one and nothing who should get in the way of rearing and raising her children, even if they’re fully grown.
My mother once gave me a piece of advice that rang loud and clear when I left my parents to start a life with my husband: “Remember that without your MIL, you won’t have a husband. Whatever he grew up to be, he owed, in large measure, to the woman who gave him life and who nurtured him.” I kept this in mind.
You and your MIL are driven by the same love you share for the same man, therefore there is no contest or competition here.
Build instead a lifetime partnership knowing that in this man, you can both harness your dreams to see him outdo himself as a son, a husband and eventually, as a father to your children.
Fr. Dave Concepcion also threw a challenge to all married women with his timely reminder: “If you truly love your husband, you will love your MIL as well.” Like Christ Jesus loved his Mother, and vice-versa.
For me, there is also the reality that you only have one mother-in-law if you keep to one husband. (Did someone cheer, “Thank goodness!”)
Surely, there is enough love going around our little milieu to touch and to cosset your MIL with.
One question remains, however: What if you’re the daughter-in-law from hell?
Unwanted Gift
A constantly nagged and harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, Christmas came again and this year, he didn’t buy her any present.
The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why he had forgotten this time.
The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
