Want to be white rice?

Why am I no longer married? At 18, I tried. I got married, had babies in quick succession, the trend at the time. The birth control pill had not yet been invented. The minute it was, I took it. For reasons not worth mentioning any more as we split up 40 years ago, I got out of the marriage. I was only 24. Maybe I decided to marry when I was too young to make the right choice, to know better. But I was not too young not to fall in love again, only instead of marrying we lived together. It was also the trend then.

We were very happy for a while until things began to fade, to lose color and vibrancy. We had serious trouble when he turned 40 and I turned 33. I found out later when I was turning 50 that maybe much of the trouble we faced was a result of our mid-life crises, which we had at the same time. I realized that when I went to see a therapist about something else then decided to go for myself. I, too, was going through a crisis then. I was turning 50 and could not even say it. When asked how old I was I would say Fffff. I could not say Fifty! Well, counseling fixed me. Now I freely admit to my age.

By then I had had enough of marriage, did not want to marry again. Sure I liked relationships, loving someone who loves back but please — no more marriage. I enjoy my life as it is now — lived alone.

Last Saturday, a friend and I were driving together. She is a doctor, much younger than me, single parent like me. She said she had a patient, a big burly policeman, with whom she discussed her marriage and why it had broken up. The policeman said, “Doctora, you have to understand. A wife is like rice. You need her all the time. But you must realize that one also needs viands to eat with satisfaction. The viands are the other women.”

“What do you think?” she asked me.

What did I think, indeed! Maybe that’s the way he saw it. He is after all a policeman and we know they have many women with whom they have many children. They also have great big stomachs from eating so much rice and viands. Rice as a metaphor for a wife! What do you think a wife is anyway? Tasteless and bland? I cannot eat rice unless I have other food. Does that mean I always need to have a lover? No, of course not, you’re a woman. That would be his reply. He would not even consider that what is applicable to him should be applicable to me.

Maybe that was why I hated marriage in the end. I did not like the inequality in a marriage. I wasn’t listened to. My feelings were completely disregarded. I did not like the feeling of being just flavorless white rice. When that got to be too much we would have a row of epic proportions, just to re-establish my importance in his life, but after a while, the whole situation stopped being fun. I realized there was no difference between being married and just living together. Both can get pretty dismal in the end.

I have been thinking about the rice metaphor since. Now I think I could settle for the rice metaphor as long as it’s mutual. You need to eat rice and fish and duck to be happy? Well, me too. I need to eat rice and fish and duck. Why can you have it and I can’t? Because you’re a man and I’m a woman? Please. We’re supposed to be equal. Without my help you find your fish and duck. I can also find mine without your help. In fact, because I’m a woman, fish and duck find me. Can you take it? No, I know you can’t. So you must also understand why I can’t.

Well, find me the man who will share my point of view. If you find one, I bet you’ll want to keep him for yourself. Those men are rare. I suspect they don’t exist.

So I live alone but I have a lot of male and female friends with whom I can talk and laugh a lot. They fill my life, turn it from plain and bland white rice to an interesting risotto, whose flavors change with the friends I’m with. I enjoy this alone life because it isn’t truly alone. It has people when I want people and no one when I’m not in the mood. So why should I get married? It’s hardly worth my while.

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