Just leave him!
In the middle of the morning last Sunday, while I was puttering around my market stall, I received this long text: “Yesterday I came across your article. My husband and I had a fight because I asked him to change our baby’s diaper. He angrily retorted, ‘You don’t do anything here at home!’ I was so furious I threw my bags at him. It always hurts when he says I don’t do anything at all. He is so annoyed when he sees me resting. Right now, he is the breadwinner. I quit my job when we had our last child He doesn’t see what I do at home when he is at work. I don’t feel any appreciation for my efforts to be a good mother to our children.
“Our son graduated first honor in his nursery class. That’s my only fulfillment since I gave up my career. I want to always be there with the kids since my husband’s job requires him to be away most of the time. When he makes rash accusations, I tell him that just because he’s the breadwinner gives him the right to hurt my feelings. I’m his wife. I admit when I get too hurt by his words I become physically violent. I throw things at him and hit him with my hands, but there’s really very little I can do compared to his strength.
“Yesterday, he boxed me in the head. It happened so fast. I didn’t remember where in my head he hit me, exactly, until I woke up, felt the pain on my left side and saw plenty of hair on the floor. Then I remembered he pulled my hair, too, as I tried to fight. He also boxed me in the back. I could not even lift my arm. I didn’t have enough strength after that. I just cried and cried. After more than an hour, I drove myself to the doctor to check. The doctor found only a slight bruise on my back, but this morning, several bruises started to appear on my arms and knees. My back and my head, though, are the ones that really hurt. I don’t expect my husband to apologize. He isn’t sorry and he doesn’t say sorry.”
What am I supposed to say? I think this is a story of a crazy couple who should never have married. First, any man who does any of these things to his wife is the wrong man and any woman who admits to rendering physical violence is the wrong woman. So they will continue to have these violent fights till the end of time. Second, she reads my column and immediately tells me the details of their fight. What does she expect from me? Why did she not call up a friend, sister, mother, and confide in her? What comfort does one derive from revealing all these details to strangers?
So let me just be straightforward. You obviously married the wrong man and you are under no obligation to think he is the right man. He beats you up rather violently, will not help with ordinary household chores, and will never apologize for the wrong he has done. Do you really want to suffer these for the rest of your life? I don’t. No man has the right to do that to me. I would have walked out on him the first time he beat me up. But that’s because I hold myself in high esteem and being slapped around violates my self-esteem. If I had low self-esteem, I would have done all the things you have been doing.
Why did you give up your job? To be full-time with the babies even if your husband was already beating you up? Do you feel that he still loves you when he talks to you that way? Do you still love him when you throw your bags at him? From where I sit, clearly the love has gone. Now, are you going to stay there? What value do you put on yourself? Looks to me like no value at all, zero, zilch, nothing.
I suggest you think about the rest of your life. Obviously you can’t have everything. You want to stay home and be with your children. What else can you do that would earn you some money? Is there a small business you can set up? Can you find a part-time job? The greatest mistake women commit is getting married with no money of their own. Then they are enslaved by their husbands. The easiest way out of that is to earn enough money to give you the courage to leave and live your own life, whether or not he supports the children. It would be ideal if he supported the children but since we have no divorce laws in the Philippines and your husband is a jerk, you are not likely to get child support, meaning you need money of your own.
Or you can pack up your children and go home to mama and beg her for shelter until you find a job. Then go out and find one quickly. But when you do that, make sure you won’t listen when he comes begging for your return, as he will. Throw him away and then find yourself. That’s my tried-and-tested advice. If you are afraid of that, throw away your fears. All you need to do is learn first to value yourself so you don’t have to take bad treatment from anyone, then learn how to work as hard as you need to.
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“I was just beaten up by my husband. We fought because I saw him having sex with another girl last weekend. I told him that it’s over and he ended up beating me. I have a black eye now. He begged me not to leave. He said that if I did, he’ll commit suicide. I love him, but I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do.”
If it’s okay with you to see your husband intimate with another woman, hey, stay and get beaten up every time. He’ll commit suicide? Thank your lucky stars. Then you will be free. You don’t worry about a man who’s six feet underground coming back to give you a black eye. Then you can weep because you loved him. Me? I would leave him now.
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“Hi, I just read your article. I suffered the same thing. My boyfriend used to hurt me physically, verbally, and emotionally. I buried the pain, but one day it burst out. Now, I hit and humiliate him in public. I’m so inspired by your words of advice to get over it and not to be afraid to let go. Thanks.”
And what possible joy do you get out of humiliating him in public? That’s just as sick as what he used to do to you. Just leave him.
I’m sorry, folks, but I have to be honest. At the ripe old age of 64, I know there is only one thing you can do to save yourself. Develop your self-esteem until you’re strong enough to finally leave him if he doesn’t treat you right.
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