My life today

Five years ago, I had a mild stroke that affected my right brain. My neurologist said it blocked my emotions. I stared at her blankly, not fully understanding what she meant. Then I stared into space a lot, knitted (my quiet hobby) a lot, and slept a lot. She said it would take me two years to recover. I think she meant physically but not emotionally. Emotional recovery began two years later.

Last December I had an argument over the phone with one of my daughters. Before I knew it, I was crying, could not stop, I cried all day. That was my “H” day. I was so hurt I cried and could not stop, but I was also happy because all those tears told me I had emotionally recovered. I had my emotions back, turbulent as they are.

I don’t know when precisely I met Ramon Tan, the owner of Carica, at the Legazpi Market. I began selling there late in January, so maybe I met him in February. See, no matter how mild your stroke is, your brain is blurred afterwards. He is important because he taught me to do important things. He told me to take CoQ10 and mangosteen juice concentrate twice a day to hasten my recovery. By then I wasn’t taking anything. No Lipitor. No tranquilizers. Initially, I bought CoQ10 at one of the drugstores that carried it from the US, but it didn’t seem to work on me so I stopped. Curious, I took his CoQ10 and mangosteen juice, which reminded me of soft drinks. I would put one tablespoon each into a shaker, add water and ice, and drink. I took that twice a day.

Little by little, I began to feel different. I got my energy back. Today when I wake up in the morning, I have lots of energy and it lasts me through the day. I also discovered I am smarter now than I have been in the past five years, meaning I now have my old mind back. I am also more patient now — with people, with texts that I receive from readers of this column and other sources, and from ridiculous situations I find myself in. Now I clearly know where I want to go, whom I want to see, and nothing moves me to see people I don’t want to meet.

This is my life, I tell myself. I will not waste it doing the unpleasant. So I live completely alone, I don’t have maids, just a cleaning man who comes in once a week and a driver who works for me but lives out. Sometimes I wake up and make my bed. Other times I leave the bed undone all day. No people expected, no need to fix. Sometimes I do my household chores — wash the dishes, defrost my old refrigerator, water my plants, clear my desk. Other times I only rinse my dishes and let the old ref ice over. I am not in the mood. The rediscovery of my moods brings me great pleasure. Sometimes I wake up feeling great, other times only moderate, but rarely do I wake up feeling sad.

Last month, I found myself extremely tired of teaching writing, so I cancelled my classes and took a holiday. Then I realized that starting in October was not such a good idea because it would hit the holidays. So I am not teaching again until January, if I ever teach again. Instead, I spend my days stringing the necklaces I will sell at the Legazpi Market in preparation for the holidays.

Do I need to plan my life? No more. I am over 60. What do I have to plan for — my death? That’s done already. I have a charming crooked earthen jar from Ugu Bigyan for my cremains. When I have the money I will buy the niche, then we’re all done. 

Do I enjoy my life? Yes, definitely. On Mondays, I go to Carica to learn more about their products, to understand more about them because they fascinate me. To me, Carica represents the return of a very old Philippine tradition. We were excellent herbalists before the colonizers came and I think we continued to be under Spain. It might have been the Americans who forced us to go underground when they set up the Department of Health and Sanitation.

The rest of the week is mine to do with as I please and I fill it with painting, lunches with friends, watching TV in the background while I string necklaces, enjoying my new friends at the Sunday market.

That’s life for me now. After retirement, life can be great — simple, varied but really and truly enjoyable.

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