Turn on, tune in, turn off
In the wonderful — and oftentimes convoluted — world of Philippine pop media, a world I happen to know quite well, you get to see a lot of strange things. In the course of my so-called career, I’ve caught more than a few glimpses of sunken-eyed gargoyles turning into magazine-worthy mannequins and standard-issue promdis becoming certified stars. Really, what’s not to love?
But it wasn’t always this way. There was a time, as recently as three years ago, when I didn’t know anything about the local entertainment scene. I found everything cheap and dumbed down and not for me. Well, most of it still is, but I’ve decided not to become so uptight about things now, choosing instead to see the fun (and high-larious) side of showbiz and Pinoy celebrities.
So taking a break from plundering the Web for stuff to download and clips to see, I turned on the dusty TV in my room to watch and critique local programming the old-fashioned way — with a brave smile, off-topic asides, and truckloads of patience. Here, kids, are my sweeping generalizations.
1. Pinoy audience members are deaf.
Want proof? How’s Wowowee for starters? Willie Revillame and his revolving door of lady drill sergeants pound hearing-impaired audience members into submission with repetitive rants, bizarre dance moves, and the promise of free cash. (Though weighed down by Tito, Vic and Joey’s dated personality quirks, the rival spectacle, Eat Bulaga!, is subtle by comparison.) The audience members not hearing-impaired? Oh, but they end up that way — partially deaf and bewildered — every time the noontime show wraps up. Sounding somewhat croaky and strangulated, Mariel Rodriguez barks her spiels out, proving that you don’t have to be as restrained as Rachael Ray to shape an entire career out of unnecessary perkiness. ANG SAYA-SAYA!!!
Similarly, The Buzz has imposed a particular influence on the culture at large. The voice-over equivalent of blinding pink fonts, the one-word teasers — SUSUNOD!!! EXCLUSIBO!!! EXPLOSIBO!!! LIVE!!! ABANGAN!!! — the hosts use to segue into news of earth-shattering importance are shrewd. Conclusion: Shouting definitely shows you care and saying things over and over makes them, you know, true.
2. There must be a minimum of 276 interchangeable teen starlets on each interchangeable teen program.
If you’ve bothered sitting through any of the teen-oriented dramedies the leading networks have on tap — i.e., Abt Ur Lyf, Ur Song, Boys Nxt Door — the question remains: Why? Do the original storylines and clever wordplay draw you in? The non-acting acting? The eye-catching Rough Rider Jeans outfits? (Ooh, sarcasm.) Ponder that for a second as the crickets chirp happily in your head.
Ensemble productions are nothing new, but Pinoys, having been born with a dominant maximalist gene, take it to evolutionary heights. Have you noticed that there has to be at least two dozen talents on each of those barkada-type shows? It’s a fact that GMA and ABS-CBN have sweatshops that churn out an endless supply of disposable talent, but do all of these people have to appear in one frame — or in one show — at the same time? Again, cue the crickets.
3. The more you can’t sing or dance, the more you totally should.
For every singing Bautista brother out there — that means Christian, Mark, and Eric…
Contrary to what you think, for example, Alyssa Alano wasn’t drunk or drugged when she put out her own version of Sixpence None The Richer’s Kiss Me — now known as Keys Me — sometime ago. It just sounded that way, which solidified her rep as a “vocalist” to be reckoned with. Magical? Hell, yes.
4. You must have a sob story. Always.
Viewers have latched onto Pinoy Big Brother with the same rapt attention once reserved for screwed-up security tapes. As a result, the weepy tell-all has become an even more popular way to gain public sympathy and spike the ratings.
For some weird reason, it helps artistas when they admit to having been raped, beaten up, or abandoned; or that they’re out of money, luck, or time. Whatever it is they say, they’re careful not to reveal they were born well-off if it were really so. See, going by the Pinoy telenovela stereotype, all rich people are evil and deserve to burn in hell (or voted out of the PBB house) because hindi nila kailangan ng pera. Like I said, I’m partial to sweeping generalizations.
If you want to grab my attention, and abuse my kindness while you’re at it, up the vulgarity even more. Like, make me witness a routine amputation or let me see a live suicide sa bahay ni Kuya. Now that’s awesome. LOL.
5. Kanin is to the Pinoy meal as Cherry Pie Picache is to Pinoy showbiz.
Simultaneously ubiquitous and anonymous, Cherry Pie Picache — yeah, that’s her real name — is an actress you’re sure to have seen somewhere or everywhere, if you bothered to pay attention. Her IMDb profile lists around 76 TV shows and movies she’s been in, from before we were born to the present. That’s a hell of a lot.
This isn’t a set-up for a joke, but in certain ways, she’s our very own Kevin Bacon, a Hollywood actor who seems to have worked with everyone everywhere. Even the Oracle of Bacon — an online program that connects any film actor in history to o “Kevin Bacon” Kevin Bacon as quickly and in as few links as possible — proves that Cherry Pie Picache is at the center of the local entertainment universe. Ridiculous party trick? Here’s an example using — o ha — Hilary Duff:
Hilary Duff was in Material Girls (2006) with Maria Conchita Alonso. Maria Conchita Alonso was in McBain (1991) with Joel Torre. Joel Torre was in Pinoy/Blonde (2005) with Cherry Pie Picache. That was easy.
Want another one? How about, say, Victoria Beckham? So okay, Victoria Beckham was in Zoolander (2001) with John Vargas, who was in Last Stand at Lang Mei (1990) with Joonee Gamboa, who was in Feng Shui (2004) with Cherry Pie Picache. Enough said.
