Weirduos

God created humanity in pairs. But he also created the first two cockroaches. Duos aren’t always the greatest things — sometimes, God points the finger at Cupid and hides.

Now, the world has seen countless misses from the cosmic coupling machine. Here are some of the most memorable.

Juday and Wowie De Guzman

Nothing in local showbiz is more moronic than a love team — except, of course, for the films these love teams are in. A sampling of Juday and Wowie’s: Esperanza, My Pledge of Love, Nasaan ka nang Kailangan Kita, Kasal-kasalan... Sakalan, Muling Ibalik ang Tamis ng Pag-ibig, Dito sa Puso Ko, and, Paano ang Puso Ko? God, the cheesy is making even me fall in love with Judy Ann Santos’ baby fat.

The Juday and Wowie love team was solidified in the 1990s tele-nonsense hit Mara Clara. They then went on to headline Esperanza. Esperanza, played by Juday, is a girl in search of her real family, finding her only solace in her childhood sweetheart Anton (played by Wowie). The couple captivated the Philippines — this was before, when Filipinos were big on fug.

Today, Juday is an A-list star and an awesome actress, while Wowie de Guzman is...probably an awesome actor, too... somewhere. If you know where he is send us at Supreme a message.

This spot could’ve belonged to...Zac Efron and Vanessa Anne Hudgens.

Except...Wowie de Guzman needs the exposure.

He wears makeup to public functions, and she has nude pictures of herself all over the Internet. Match made in heaven! These two products of Disney’s cash-cow kiddie-brainwashing vehicle, High School Musical, are set to become next year’s biggest stars — on Where are They Now? specials.

The First Siamese Twins

Chang and Eng were their names. They were born in 1811 in Siam. Upon hearing this, the king of Siam had them put to death because he thought they were bad omens. Luckily, they were spared as doom did not materialize, and at 16, they signed with their managers Lolit Solis and Boy Abunda. Their managers toured them around the world, exhibiting them before thousands of people.

The two eventually decided to settle in North Carolina, and changed their last name to Bunker. (I kid you not!) There, they became attracted to two sisters named Bates, and married them. (Again, I kid you not!) Nine months after the foursome wed, Chang and his wife popped out a daughter. Six days later, Eng and his wife did, too. All in all, the foursome would produce 21 kids. Which makes you wonder...

This spot could’ve belonged to...The Olsen Twins.

Except...They aren’t conjoined.

Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Fuller Olsen are 21-year-old celebritards best known for their roles on the sitcom Full House. They both like dressing up as hobos, although they’re billionaires, thanks in part to their fashion line, “Mary-Kate and Ashley: Real fashion for real girls.”

Beavis and Butthead

This spot, I give to Beavis and Butthead out of respect. I bow down to the all-mighty bunghole.

Beavis and Butthead were icons of Generation X. They were high school students whose lives revolved ‘round the TV, listening to heavy metal, trying to score chicks.

Quotes: “Have you ever noticed that Madonna is always masturbating during her videos?“ “Heh, hem, yeah, so am I.” Then there’s “_______ are cool.” “Thinking sucks,” And lastly, “I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!”

And, I can’t believe we just got away with printing that in a national paper. One more bow to Beavis and Butthead.

Pido Dida

In the future, before Kris Aquino dies, they will play her highlight reel and it will consist only of clips from her Pido Dida movies — all three of them with Rene Requiestas. Yes, I said Rene Requiestas. You have to wonder, who could’ve hated Kris, daughter of Ninoy, so much to pair her up with Rene Requiestas?

Pido and Dida are orphans who, after growing up together in a convent, are adopted by some crime kingpin. They are able to escape into the city, where they fall in love AND GET MARRIED. Kissing scene included. In Pido Dida 2: Kasal Na, the couple adjusts to married life, somehow finding themselves in Hong Kong. And, in the third installment, the couple has twins. And you go home laughing your ass off.

Unfortunately, Rene Requiestas has passed away. Meanwhile, Kris is making amends by giving away millions of ABS-CBN’s pesos on shows that air every day.

Tallest Man and Wife Thing

Yao don’t have sh** on this Bao. Just a few months ago, Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, married a woman 2/3 his size and half his age. The guy is 56 years old and 7’9”, a herdsman who’s often mistaken for the Great Wall of China. His wife is 29, 5’6” and a saleswoman. They are madly in love. And he will crush her.

Bao had a career in the army as a plane-swatter. After, he was recruited for a baseball team as holder of the basket. Prior to this marriage, Bao put out marriage advertisements all over the world, even climbing the Empire State Building  and — you know where this is going. I haven’t run out of big-monster jokes, I’m sorry. Today, he hires himself out for publicity stunts. In December, Bao saved two dolphins by using his 39-inch-long arms to yank pieces of plastic out of their insides. And he didn’t have to strip for PETA.

This spot could’ve belonged to... Gloria and Mike Arroyo.

Except... Some journalists like them.

Cat-Dog

Nickelodeon shows are too trippy to be thought up by clean folks. CatDog is proof. Take these two conjoined twins: one suave and intelligent; the other naïve and optimistic. And then make one a dog and the other a cat; make them live in a house shaped like a fish and a bone; give them a housemate — a blue mouse named Winslow. Trippy.

Now, the show wasn’t too popular. Dialogue from the show tells us why: Cat: “Hiya, kids! Do you know what time it is? It’s time to read some fan mail! Winslow, pass up those letters, my good man.” Winslow: “Nothing today, Chief.” Cat: “Are you sure?” Winslow: “You two are as popular as a monkey in a banana patch.”

This spot could’ve belonged to...Cow & Chicken

Except... They aren’t conjoined.

Cartoon Network probably has its share of drug-dependents, too. Cow is a cow with a brother named Chicken, who is a chicken. They are hounded by a red guy named Red Guy, and to get out of ruts, Cow turns herself into Supercow — “¡Supercow al rescate!” OMFG.