What is a friend?
August 26, 2006 | 12:00am
The unexpected death of our dear friend Elena brought a lot of sadness to those who knew her. She was an elegant lady, kind and thoughtful and she had a zest for life that made her fun to be with. She was the perfect hostess and entertained always in style, using her best silver and chinaware and serving only her best wines. She would not invite her friends if she could not give them the best of what she had. I will never forget my fun days with her especially when we were neighbors at the Ritz Towers during the early ‘90s. We would spend many evenings on her balcony with some friends or family members as we got inebriated with our favorite bottles of wine. We chose to talk about really funny things, some too risqué to mention here. We would laugh and laugh till the wee hours of the morning.
But life’s cycle is such that people move on and lose contact with each other, but the friendship remains in their hearts. Such was my friendship with Elena. We moved on to our respective places in life, but we always remained friends. My memories of my times with her always bring a smile to my lips and I will miss her colorful presence in the many socials in Manila.
Her loss made me think of friendship, as it really is. I remember reading a piece on friendship, which I want to share with you. It makes you think of the many people you have encountered in your lifetime and classify them under which category. Here goes…
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What you must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Now it is time to move on.
"Some people come to your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it for it is real. But only for a season...!
"Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life."
After reading this piece, I spent many hours thinking of the many people who have strayed into my life whether for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Some are here for a lifetime, others as fleeting as the wind. And others, well, I have a few I would put under the category toxic friends, and after learning my lesson, I have avoided them like the plague. With friends like them, I did not need enemies.
What is a toxic friend? A toxic friend is one who constantly puts you down, whether out in the open or in subtle undertones. At the end of the day, this friend has robbed you of your self worth and has drained the life out of you with her/his demands, whether emotionally, mentally or financially. They don’t give anything back, but expect you to be there for them constantly.
I had a friend who would borrow some of my beautiful clothes and give them back to me after many years of using them, without even the decency of having them dry-cleaned. She would always borrow cash and tell me all kinds of sad stories that I could not help but lend her. When I got fed up lending her with no returns in sight, she made me feel as guilty as hell. And yet the one and only time that I borrowed an item from her, as insignificant as a costume jewelry brooch, she gave me all kinds of excuses. I forgave all her unpaid debts but what was unforgivable really was when I found out that she was constantly talking bad about me to all our mutual friends who told me when they could not stand her anymore. I was mentally tortured when I ended this friendship because I had to examine myself where I went wrong in my treatment of her. My friends pacified me told me she was the bad one, not me, and there was no real loss as she was a real toxic friend. I was truly relieved at the end of this friendship.
In the book Toxic Friends/True Friends, author Florence Isaacs says, "There has to be a balance in a friendship to be healthy – not one person whose needs are met and another whose needs are overlooked. You want the right amount of reciprocity of affection and assistance in a friendship. So if you have a friend who is always in need, always in trouble, always wants to talk about her problems, then there is no reciprocity if there isn’t any room for you in the friendship. It doesn’t have to be 50-50 every minute, but overall there should be some kind of balance in which you feel you are getting your needs met, and so is she."
Psychologist Jenn Berman, PhD, describes a toxic friend as "someone who after spending some time with them makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you consistently, a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally! You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is abusive, " she explains.
I have learned from life’s many lessons. I realize that friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children and our health. Friendships are important in our lives and have many positive things to contribute to all areas of our lives. Let us nurture the good friendships that we have, and throw away those that put more harm than good to our well-being. They say "Love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."
But life’s cycle is such that people move on and lose contact with each other, but the friendship remains in their hearts. Such was my friendship with Elena. We moved on to our respective places in life, but we always remained friends. My memories of my times with her always bring a smile to my lips and I will miss her colorful presence in the many socials in Manila.
Her loss made me think of friendship, as it really is. I remember reading a piece on friendship, which I want to share with you. It makes you think of the many people you have encountered in your lifetime and classify them under which category. Here goes…
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What you must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Now it is time to move on.
"Some people come to your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it for it is real. But only for a season...!
"Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life."
After reading this piece, I spent many hours thinking of the many people who have strayed into my life whether for a reason, a season or for a lifetime. Some are here for a lifetime, others as fleeting as the wind. And others, well, I have a few I would put under the category toxic friends, and after learning my lesson, I have avoided them like the plague. With friends like them, I did not need enemies.
What is a toxic friend? A toxic friend is one who constantly puts you down, whether out in the open or in subtle undertones. At the end of the day, this friend has robbed you of your self worth and has drained the life out of you with her/his demands, whether emotionally, mentally or financially. They don’t give anything back, but expect you to be there for them constantly.
I had a friend who would borrow some of my beautiful clothes and give them back to me after many years of using them, without even the decency of having them dry-cleaned. She would always borrow cash and tell me all kinds of sad stories that I could not help but lend her. When I got fed up lending her with no returns in sight, she made me feel as guilty as hell. And yet the one and only time that I borrowed an item from her, as insignificant as a costume jewelry brooch, she gave me all kinds of excuses. I forgave all her unpaid debts but what was unforgivable really was when I found out that she was constantly talking bad about me to all our mutual friends who told me when they could not stand her anymore. I was mentally tortured when I ended this friendship because I had to examine myself where I went wrong in my treatment of her. My friends pacified me told me she was the bad one, not me, and there was no real loss as she was a real toxic friend. I was truly relieved at the end of this friendship.
In the book Toxic Friends/True Friends, author Florence Isaacs says, "There has to be a balance in a friendship to be healthy – not one person whose needs are met and another whose needs are overlooked. You want the right amount of reciprocity of affection and assistance in a friendship. So if you have a friend who is always in need, always in trouble, always wants to talk about her problems, then there is no reciprocity if there isn’t any room for you in the friendship. It doesn’t have to be 50-50 every minute, but overall there should be some kind of balance in which you feel you are getting your needs met, and so is she."
Psychologist Jenn Berman, PhD, describes a toxic friend as "someone who after spending some time with them makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you consistently, a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally! You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is abusive, " she explains.
I have learned from life’s many lessons. I realize that friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children and our health. Friendships are important in our lives and have many positive things to contribute to all areas of our lives. Let us nurture the good friendships that we have, and throw away those that put more harm than good to our well-being. They say "Love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."
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