What a disaster the ‘pakikisama’ system can cause!

I received a call from a friend whom I haven’t seen in a while and she asked me a strange favor. She said she was going to Europe and if my sister is still living there, could she stay with her for a week? I found this a bit too forward as she met my sister only once and I doubt if my sister even remembers her. I told her I would ask my sister first, but I already in fact know that my sister would refuse. Life abroad is not like here where we have servants to help us with house work. My sister has a cleaning lady that comes in once a week, and she works daily so I don’t think she cares to have visitors who she vaguely knows. What excuse should I give this person? The strange thing about requests of this nature is that most of the time, the person asking the favor expects the favor to be granted. And if refused, the person refusing is the bad person. I am worried that she will backstab me to our friends if my sister doesn’t give in.

Worried Wilma

Unfortunately, there are people who want to travel without having the means to pay for accommodations. They end up asking friends of friends of friends to put them up and in so doing, they inconvenience their friends who end up being their enemies after the hair dryer went missing, a set of tea cups was broken, the wine reserves were consumed without permission, overstaying from two days to two years, etc. What a disaster this pakikisama system, seeping into our culture from heaven knows what colonial invasion, can cause! The Spaniards and Americans, two invading forces that have influenced us in more ways than one, don’t have this pakikisama occult in their culture. To go back to your problem, just tell her straight out that your sister is not comfortable having visitors, especially a visitor she hardly remembers. If she ends up hating you, it’s her problem, not yours. She is committing a social blunder by imposing on a person who she hardly knows to take her in.

* * *

Divorced With Excess Baggage

I am seriously dating a divorced man with one child and am in love with him. I am, however, thinking of forgetting about any future with him because a divorced man with a kid, I think, has a lot of excess baggage. He has to pay child support, among other things. Plus frequent conversations with his ex wife over this child are a bit too hard to take. It makes me nervous to think that I would be dealing with an ex wife and a child to boot. I would prefer to get involved with a single guy but I am 35 years old and most single guys are taken at this age.

Nervous Nerisa

You are implying that a divorced man is likely to be carrying all this baggage whereas a single guy won’t? I think it is fallacious to think that way. Divorced guys, as well as never-been-married guys who have been in a relationship one way or another, and guys who have been dating nonstop since college – they all carry some kind of baggage. At a certain age, baggage is inevitable. It’s just a matter of size: Is it small enough to fit into that overhead compartment or is it so big one has to pay overweight charges? It is true that a divorced man with a kid has to contend with issues like custody, alimony, child support, etc. But are those issues any worse than a 42-year-old bachelor who cannot commit or a man who says he loves you yet wants to see other people? Wouldn’t you rather have this divorced guy who loves and commits to you? There are some good things about a divorced man:

a) He’s been married before so you know that he is a man who can commit.

b) Having been through a long-term relationship, he understands and appreciates the vast, complex terrain that is love.

c) Divorce forced him to grow up and face certain key issues about himself.

d) The fact that he pays child support means he is a responsible human being and loves his child, which is a big plus factor! Bottom line is, how your man behaves towards you and how you feel about him are what you need to focus on. The big, bad label "divorced" shouldn’t distract you from the basic issues of respect, chemistry, care, affection, attraction and support that can and should pave the way for all wonderful relationships.

* * *

Nuts About Peanut Butter, But ...

I love peanut butter, but friends tell me that it is so bad for the health because it is oily and furthermore, it is loaded with calories. But I eat it almost daily and my cholesterol level is not high and furthermore, I am not getting fat with it. I exercise, too, and am careful with my diet. What is the truth about peanut butter?

Peanut Butter Fan

Facts on peanut butter once appeared in the Journal of Food Sciences. It says that peanut butter is packed full of healthy oils (such as omega-3 like in salmon) and vitamin E. According to University of Georgia researcher Ron Eitenmiller, processing does not remove the healthy vitamins it contains and store-bought peanut butter is just as good for the health as the fresh ground in the health food store. However, too much of a good thing isn’t all that good. The recommended intake is two tablespoons per eating.

* * *

For your questions, write to Mayenne Carmona, Star Media Inc., 6th floor, Jaka Bldg., Ayala Ave, Makati City.