How to address invitations when there are ex & new wives

My daughter is getting married next month. We are sending out invitations already but this has been delayed because of a problem which we hope you can help us solve. I have been estranged from my husband since my daughter was young but we will invite my ex-husband to the wedding. He has brothers who have also separated from their wives, and they have second families now. We intend to invite the brothers but not their second wives and their children. One brother has his first wife and children in the city with whom we are in touch and whom we’d like to invite. The other brother’s wife has been out of touch but their children are around. How should we address the invitations? If we address one invitation to the first brother and his original family, how should we address the invitation to the second brother and his children? Is it impolite not to invite the second wife of the brother whose wife is no longer around? Our budget is tight, so we are limiting the number of guests. Is it proper to address the invitation to close relatives as just Mr. and Mrs. without the children? – Ms. Confused

A wedding is a very special occasion and should be a happy event for the bride and the groom. They shouldn’t be harassed or feel obligated into inviting those that are not close to them. With a tight budget, they should keep the wedding an intimate affair and invite those that they feel care for them and who have touched their lives positively in one way or another. The sister-in-law who has not been in touch, it is not impolite not to invite her. You are not expected to invite the second wives and children of your brothers-in-law since you hardly know them. They should not expect it of you either. If they do, you should tell your ex husband to explain to them the circumstances of wanting the wedding to be small and intimate. The invitations should be addressed to the brothers separately from their ex-wives and children who live with the ex-wives. Example: Mr. Roberto Fernandez (addressed to the brother); Ms. Fely Ortiz (ex-wife) and underneath her name are the names of the children living with her whom you wish to invite. The other set of children of the other brother whose wife you are not inviting should have their own invitation. You can only include them with the father if they are living with their father, otherwise their father (brother of your ex) should have his own invitation, apart from the children. The invitations of the relatives whose children you are not inviting should read: Mr. and Mrs. Santos, for example.

Who Should Walk The Bride Down The Aisle?

My husband and I separated when my child was only three years old. I remarried when she was six and my second husband was literally and figuratively a father to her. Now, she is a grown-up young lady and engaged to be married. My ex-husband keeps in touch with her on two occasions yearly, her birthday and Christmas, but the rest of the year including summer vacations, she spends with me, my second husband and my two other children. My present husband treats her better than our own children and financially supported her in her schooling and other needs. My ex-husband would dole out every now and then but not substantially with the feeble excuse that he has a second family to support. Now that she is engaged to be married and planning her wedding, she gave me the biggest blow of my life when she told me that she wants her real father to walk her down the aisle. How can she do this to me! I don’t even have the heart to tell my husband of her decision because I know he will feel very hurt. How can I persuade her to change her mind about this, considering that my ex-husband is just contributing a measly amount to this wedding and it’s my present husband who is footing most of the bills (her fiancé’s family and we agreed to split the expenses so we can give the couple a big wedding and invite a lot of our friends and relatives). This is truly upsetting me. – Mother Of The Bride

I can understand your sentiments on this matter and we share the same opinion. But you must remember that blood is thicker than water and the few times of the year that your ex-husband connects with your daughter must mean a lot to her even if she doesn’t tell you that. It means so much to her to show the whole world that she has her OWN father to walk her down the aisle on her special day. The human heart has reasons and love is a complex emotion. On the other hand, if it truly means so much to you that your present husband should be the person to walk her down the aisle, why don’t you talk to your ex-husband and explain your side? He could understand your feelings and will be able to explain to your daughter that the right thing for her to do is to be given away by her stepfather who gave her everything in life, including this wedding. She might respond to reason and agree. But you should not deprive your daughter of a happy wedding if she sticks to her original decision, hard as it may be to accept it.

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Send questions to Mayenne Carmona, Star Media Inc., 6th floor, Jaka Bldg., Ayala Ave., Makati City.