Your compassionate listening may save a life

You are a great listener.” That’s probably one of the best compliments I have received. But I just learned recently that this special trait might just be the simple thing our friends need to survive.

While the Yuletide is hailed as the most wonderful season, that feeling is not shared by some, including those who are depressed. In fact, there is such a thing as seasonal depression.

The fact that you have never experienced it doesn’t make it unreal. But how do you know if someone around you is depressed and needs your compassionate listening and support?

Symptoms may vary just like in any ailment, but experts say that these are the signs that something may be awry. 

Do they always seem sad and in tears? Are they more pessimistic than usual? Are they hopeless? Do they talk about being worthless? Do they feel guilty? 

Do they get upset easily and are extremely irritable? Do they have less energy? Are they listless? Do they neglect basic hygiene? Do they have sleeping problems (either under or over)?

Are they less interested in spending time with others? Do they care less about their usual activities and hobbies? Are they more forgetful or have trouble concentrating? Do they eat more or less than usual? Do they talk about death or suicide?

In short, are they acting unusual? It is so easy for us to dismiss that maybe they are really like that or maybe we have seen these symptoms too long that we think they are born that way. Until we realize that there might be a problem.

Listening is the most genuine way to show someone you are there for them. Remember, though, that they may just want to unload their thoughts and feelings and are not really looking for advice. So always suspend any bias or judgment.

The best is to encourage them to seek professional help. You can help out in the search and even in setting up an appointment, which could be daunting tasks for someone suffering depression. When they say that they would like to cancel their therapy appointment, encourage them to stick to it even if that means accompanying them to the clinic.

Let them know you are always there for them. Establish a code so that when you get a message from them, it means that there is a crisis. Have a Plan B when you cannot be reached. Set a regular weekly meet-up just to talk, involve other friends to commit to separate sessions, too.

Remind them to practice compassionate listening. You can’t fix the depression. You are just listening to make the depressed person feel that he or she is heard, accepted without judgment and understood.

Most importantly there are statements to avoid. You can’t say that this sadness will soon pass. You can’t order them to snap out of it and just be positive. You can’t tell them to be grateful and count their blessings. Why? Because it is like judging them for not being normal. It is like judging them that they are making it up and they can easily snap out of it.

We can’t also ask them to plan the future and things to do with their lives as that might further heighten their anxieties. Focus on daily tasks and help in scheduling appointments, grocery, transportation, exercise and the like.

When a person is extremely depressed, never leave that person alone. Caring for someone with depression can be confusing, complicated and overwhelming. Arm yourself with education. Read about the condition, including tips and recommendations on how to provide support.

Incidentally, the condition is genetic as well. So if you believe there were incidents in the family, then all the more you should be sensitive to signs that people around you may be depressed.

In a world where people are more judgmental, where people feel entitled to criticize everything and anything as if they are experts on the subject, where people believe they can influence others to think the same way, may we spark more positive ways to use that same voice to understand, encourage and uplift.

Sometimes even our mere silent, listening presence is enough to help someone pull through a very dark moment.

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Post me a note at mylene@goldsgym.com.ph or mylenedayrit@gmail.com.