#CoupleGoals: New book holds key to ‘forever’

MANILA, Philippines — Do you believe in “forever”?

While many people nowadays claim that there is no such thing as a “forever” especially in relationships, a global survey says at least 75 percent of young people these days still look for a “real” relationship and believe that there is still a “forever” waiting for them.

“The global survey says 95 percent of teens still believe in a life-long commitment in their future as ideal. This tells me that they still do believe that forever can happen,” attested international psychologist and relationship therapist Lissy Puno.

Puno shares the secrets of her own 30-plus-year relationship in a new book, “Couple Goals: Find the love and connection that last forever in this world full of ‘I give up, let’s break up!’”

Published by ABS-CBN Books, “Couple Goals” is a back-to-basics interactive guide for readers to get to know themselves and their significant other.

“Think of this as a guided ‘relationship checklist.’ It will make you more conscious of how each of you behave, think and feel; what attracted you to each other in the first place; what has kept you together so far; and why your relationship is worth it,” shared the International Counseling and Psychology Centre’s counseling psychologist who also wrote the book “Affairs Don’t Just Happen!”

In an e-mail interview with Philstar.com, Puno revealed what inspired her to write “Couple Goals.”

“If you search what this common hashtag is, you will come up with a very simple meaning. Couple goals mean being happy and content in relationship. The couple goal is to be able to let your partner feel they are loved and accepted for who they are,” she explained.

“I wrote this book to help young people ages 16 to 35 who want to be in a relationship and is looking for ‘the one,’ who are in a relationship, who are deciding on a long term commitment. The book will help them understand themselves, to be aware of how attraction and love works, to know what is needed to be in a relationship.”

According to her, a global study showed that 95 percent of young people nowadays are finding it difficult to be in a “real” relationship for a number of reasons.

“Based on my work as a relationship therapist, what I am hearing is that relationships are constantly breaking up because couples give up too quickly. The individualistic view of the self is preventing them from creating a connected WE. As soon as there are irritations and annoyances, they see the relationship as replaceable and disposable rather than transforming the partner to ‘the one.'”

Puno also found out that even older people nowadays find it hard to keep a lasting relationship.

“In my work with older couples, it seems like people are not interested in long term relationship like marriages. There are alternative ways to be a couple. Marriages are ending sooner with reasons of falling out of love, incompatibility and just boredom.”

In “Couple Goals,” the author encouraged readers to “enjoy the free fall” but “don’t fall in love for the wrong reasons” at the beginning of relationships. 

She also said “self-love” can be so attractive to others, and it is very important to prioritize that before extending love to another person. 

“When you know yourself more, you will know what you need and can make a better choice on the type of person who can be a partner to you.”

Lissy, likewise, provided a checklist of couple’s similarities and differences that really matter, and another list to confirm if felt emotions are leading to authentic love, which she described in the book as “joyful and relaxed state of being in relationship where both of you feel whole and fully alive to be your own unique selves.”

Here are Puno’s other checklists that can serve as guide for couples:

Tips by “Couple Goals” author and international psychologist Lissy Puno.
Infographic by Philstar.com/Jonathan Asuncion

Tips by “Couple Goals” author and international psychologist Lissy Puno.
Infographic by Philstar.com/Jonathan Asuncion

Tips by “Couple Goals” author and international psychologist Lissy Puno.
Infographic by Philstar.com/Jonathan Asuncion

As someone in a relationship for over 30 years, Puno proudly declared that she and her significant other also follow the recommendations in her book.

“We stay emotionally close by making sure we turn to each other for our emotional needs and not to other people. Positive and negative emotions are shared between us as well as our deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, plans, goals,” she shared.

“We also spend time recreationally by doing fun stuff with each other and with healthy couple friends - sports, music, restaurants, movies and so on.”

Here are other ways she and her partner enjoy their relationship:

•    We express love and concern in words and actions
•    We discuss plans that we have for the future.
•    We try to communicate in a clear and open way.
•    We solve disagreements in a timely manner and not hold on to anger for long. 
•    As an older couple we also practice the 6 C’s:
Cherish each other - make each other feel special
Curiosity - stay interested in each other
Connection - do things that will maintain a loving connection
Care - express caring behavior
Calendar - make time for each other
Communicate - talk to one another, gadget-free

“Couple Goals” also serves as a fun journal of memorable moments, where readers can paste in their photos and write about their many firsts.

“How can a relationship last forever? You need to know from the beginning that you take this seriously and will have a lifetime perspective of it. Don’t give up. Make it work. Create the relationship you want to have,” Puno enthused.

She believes that “a forever is an option for everyone if they choose the right partner for themselves and they constantly work on being the right partner for each other.”

While romantic love is “fleeting and a feeling,” an “authentic” one that could last a lifetime entails “a decision to love everyday as it is an act of your will,” she said.

“If you are one of them who does not believe in forever, that’s alright too, but understand why. Know yourself. Because we are born with the natural tendency to connect with people. If you are not feeling this, ask yourself, ‘Why?  Is there a fear of love and commitment?’ This is discussed in ‘Couple Goals’ to help those who may resist the forever love and yet feel lonely and wish they could have a shared life with someone but does not know how.”

“Couple Goals” by Lissy Puno is now available in leading bookstores.