Read this before you jump into an illicit love affair

Hello, Eppy!

By chance, I read your advice for “young love.”  I think your advice was really useful for him. And I totally can feel that you are trying to tell him not to go further with this relationship. Your comments seem very logical.

In reading this story, I could find myself a little bit there.  I am feeling a very strong connection with a man who is 11 years older than I.  We haven’t gone that far as we always try to avoid our feelings.

But I really feel that we share the same feelings whenever we are together. We are working in the same company and we really enjoy working together. We both have positive feelings toward each other.  I’ve been separated for three years with two kids.  I am always trying to avoid this strong feeling but sometimes, I really wish he can be a part of my life.

I really want to hear your advice.

Another Young love

Dear Another Young love,

To all my readers: To help you understand my exchange with Ms. Another Young Love, she refers to my article dated March 5, 2013 with the title, “I’m in love with an older, married woman.”  This man is in love with a married woman and didn’t know whether to stay in the relationship or leave it. I was educating him about the mechanics involved in the process of falling in love.  I also asked him possible questions that need to be answered for him to arrive at a better decision.  For more details, you can search for Eppy Gochangco Philippine Star in the Internet.

I always try my best not to interfere with people’s lives and be neutral in any dilemma.  Sadly, after reading the article again, it does seem like I was stopping him from continuing the relationship.  To my defense, let me explain my response. 

I assume that Young Love knows all the positive consequences of continuing with the relationship. This is precisely why he has difficulty leaving the married woman.  However, I don’t think he is aware of the negative consequences of staying in the relationship with this woman.  I also think he is not aware that there is a possibility that the woman may have second thoughts about him. 

I have talked to a lot of men and women and there are some who don’t consider the welfare of their children, but there seems to be more men and women who consider their children when they fall in love with someone else other than the parent of their child or children.

You didn’t give more details about the man you like.  I don’t know if he is married or not.  Avoiding feeling for each other means there are restrictions.  I can only guess.  The two of you may be avoiding feeling more for each other either because you are like most parents who consider their children first before deciding on something or because the man is married and not separated from his wife.

Whatever the case may be, choices must be made.  You must choose based on the consequences you are willing to take.  If the man is married and not separated, are you willing to be the person he goes to only when he is free?  When you are together, are you willing to hide or lie when someone he and his wife know is approaching the two of you?  Are you willing to deprive yourself of the right to be with a partner when you need him the most because he has to go back to his wife?  Are you willing to be callous to your moral standards, sending messages to your children that it is okay to take away people from someone who loves them?

Again, it would seem like I am deterring you from deepening your feelings for this man.  I am not, I am only making you aware of something you will be forced to be aware of the moment you jump into an illicit love affair.  It will be better for you to be aware of things now while you still have control before you decide to allow your feelings to run free. 

If it is not an illicit love affair that makes you not jump into a relationship, you still have to decide based on the positive and negative consequences that may come with it.  Ask yourself what the consequences are for your children, yourself, and the man you like if you decide on falling for him and if you decide on not falling for him.

Eppy

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.