Are you in an abusive relationship?

Hi Eppy.

I am in my early 40s and my wife is close to her mid 40s.  We got married back in 2005.  We were on for a year and got married.  It was so exciting because we knew each other through a cable TV chat.  

The reason I write is because our sex life has become unhealthy.  When she gave birth to two of our kids, her libido diminished dramatically. I read in a research that there were certain cases of like hers. So, I believed her and tried my best to lead her each time I wanted to make love.  Each time I asked for her to have sex, most of the time, we get into an argument.  We end up doing the “who’s-to-blame” game.  In the end, to satisfy my “needs,” she would just lie down and tell me to just take it. We were not like this before. We were so passionate in bed. I keep on reminding myself that it must be because of the libido thing.

There was a time when I caught her stalking her ex bf. The one who took away her virginity. She told me that she did that because she wanted to know how he was doing knowing his marriage fell apart, but told me that she already moved on. But I think she moved on the day I caught her stalking the guy on the Internet.  

I don’t remember how it started but when I want to have sex with her I would ask her about her exes. I ask questions particularly on how they performed sex. She would entertain me and answer my questions. If she starts to get excited about this talk, I would then start to get on top of her and pretend that I am one of those exes. Most of the time I play the role of her recent ex because it is with that guy who got her virginity. I feel she is enjoying sex. I feel she is savoring every moment of it. But at some point she got irked about the idea and would not have sex again. 

Then she would say that I stink, my breath smells like sewer, and I am too heavy for her.  When she tells it to me and I would react to it, she would say “Do you want me to tell you the truth or not?” But I feel it is a derogatory remark, and it’s quite degrading. Then, she would say that she is not in the mood for foreplay. Lately, we just do it to satisfy my needs. Is she losing the love? I am really so confused.  She would rather be silent and not talk about it.  

Recently, we went to watch a movie. It was a great night. When we got out of the movie house, she told me a story about the time she and her ex-boyfriend was also coming out of the cinema. I am having this bad feeling that her feelings for her ex is back, especially that she knows that her ex is now separated. Every time I am about to kiss her, she tells me that I am so rough. She also hates it that while I kiss her I touch her vagina. If I pursued sex, she would really make sounds like slamming doors, then she would just spread out her legs.  

 I feel bad about this but I don’t want to get a hooker just to forget about her.  I do not want to cheat on her.  Please enlighten me.  

Frustrated Husband

Dear Frustrated Husband,

Apparently, you are in an abusive relationship, which is a common occurrence between husbands and wives. On top of that, the two pregnancies your wife had caused her maternal instincts to kick in, which made her uninterested in having sex with you when she gave birth.  However, this should go away after a while.

It sounds like your conclusion of your situation is as though she became uninterested in sex without contribution on your part.  Instead, you see it as she has feelings for her ex again.  When your wife gave birth, she would have been really sensitive about a lot of things.  She may have been feeling bad about herself for not being a good mother, even if there was no one saying this or there was no incident that would have pointed to this.  She may have felt bad that she is ill-equipped as a mother.

At this point you’re really frustrated because it’s been nine months you’ve been waiting for this very day that the baby is out and you could have sex.  So you softly implied sex to her and she would parry, which started a vicious cycle of aggression and counter attacks.  The two of you are now at your wits end making sure that one will be victorious over the other.  Not a good situation at all.

This is not about another man.  This is about the two of you resenting one another for whatever reason.  You need to see a therapist because this is a very difficult situation where the both of you are on each other’s nerves.  It is quite obvious that she feels you are invading her privacy and have no respect for her.  In your story, sorry to say, you seem to be confirming her feelings.  You seem to be insensitive to her needs.  You seem to focus only on your sexual needs.  Here is the hint to what your therapist should address:  The golden rule, “… do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  If you want your wife to be sensitive to your needs, then that will only happen when you become sensitive to her needs.

Eppy

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Email: eppygochangco@gmail.com