‘Should I cut ties with my son’s father who now has a new girlfriend?’

DEAR EPPY,

I am a 21-year-old woman with a four-month-old son.  I got pregnant when I went to Manila for my OJT by a man at work seven years my senior.  We were exclusively dating, but we never agreed on a bf-gf relationship.  When I got pregnant, he was very insensitive to my needs.  But he accepted the fact that I was pregnant, and welcomed the thought of having this child with me.

I had severe morning sickness, was going through an emotional upheaval because of the unplanned pregnancy, was near depression because I only had one year left of college, and really did not want to get pregnant with this man.  I do not look at him as a lifetime partner.  But I lived in with him.  Despite my begging him, he’d leave me when it was his day-off at work to have a good time with his buddies.  He refused to have sex with me during times I wanted us to have it, because the pregnancy gave my hormones an upshoot in libido.

He made me do the groceries and buy take-out dinners for us.  Because of this, I returned to my hometown where my mother welcomed me with open arms despite my being pregnant.  I felt less emotionally attached to him and shunned him as a partner.  I insulted him, made negative comments about him, and was sarcastic because of my resentment.  I just couldn’t forgive him for maltreating me. 

As I grew up, we had a househelper and my mom pampered me all the way.  This was why I feel scarred by what happened to me.  He was the only person I could turn to, yet he treated me badly.  He said sorry after but did not woo me “para makabawi” for the way he treated me.  One day, he told me he already has a girlfriend.  I sacrificed so much for him when I got pregnant: my studies, my social life, my smoking and drinking, even shopping.  I was so deeply insulted and furious over his selfishness so I told him to leave me and my son alone.  I also asked him to stop sending us money.  My friend told me that I should cut ties with him because he is not a good influence for my son, and if my son grows up and learns that his father is with another woman, this would create a psychological impact on him.  He asked if he could have visiting rights.  I am unwilling to show my son to him.  Is this the right path for me and my son?                      UNWED MOM 2

DEAR UNWED MOM 2,

Taking responsibility is the mark of a mature individual.  Taking responsibility does not only mean paying for something that you dropped and broke in a store.  Taking responsibility means owning up to your choices, thoughts, and feelings.  Abusers usually blame someone for what they did because they can’t take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings.  This is why abusers say, “She deserves it.  She doesn’t consider my feelings.”  This is after they hit their victims with their fists and caused a big bruise.  The victims are made to be responsible for the paranoid thought, the negative feeling, and the hostile act itself. 

What was your purpose in having sex with a man without making sure you won’t get pregnant?  You say one thing, then you backtrack and say something else.  It is quite confusing.  You say you don’t see him as a life partner yet you allowed him to get you pregnant.  Then, you fault him for having a girlfriend.  Yet, you never required him to be your “bf.”  What makes him wrong about finding a girlfriend?  What would you want him to do, knowing you don’t want him as a partner?  Did you want him to be a monk?

You complain about how he treats you yet you want him to have sex with you when you want it.  You blame this need on your horniness due to your pregnancy.  So what was your reason for being horny and getting pregnant?  You must have accidentally stubbed your toe and voila, you’re horny! Not your fault at all. 

My readers and I can only guess what transpired between you and this man.  But you really aren’t doing a good job of portraying yourself as a “real” victim.  The impression you give me is someone who wanted her man so bad that she went along with whatever the man wanted, hoping her love would be reciprocated.  There is a possibility that the man was nice to you at first, then being the princess that you think you are because you were pampered as a child (you actually bragged about this), he got sick of your demands and made you do whatever you wanted.  Maybe not, but a possibility.

To answer your question, it would be in the best interest of your child NOT to be in the middle of a war.  It is abusive to deprive a child of knowing his father.  It is not your right to decide on that.  However, it is clear to me that you are using the child to get back at this man and not to protect him.  Then it’s best to just keep your child to yourself NOT because his father is evil for wanting to have a woman in his life and a bad influence but because the two of you might use this child to hurt each other.  In the end, the child will be the “real victim.”  If you keep the child to yourself and not share him with his father, then you can never blame anyone else for the victimization of your own child.                                       

EPPY

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Reminder to readers: There is a group that provides support group meetings for people with drug use problems, gambling problems, and other problems that have something to do with addiction.  You will learn more about other ways of helping people in addiction in these meetings.  In these meetings, the participants are not judged by others in the group.  This group will hold their first meeting on May 5 at 2 p.m. in Makati.  The first three meetings are free.  The exact address will be given after you e-mail surrogathelfen@gmail.com or text 09476574487.

E-mail  eppygochangco@gmail.com.