Child expert Dr. Juadiong speaks up on dealing with toddlers

MANILA, Philippines – Next-generation mothers are up for some valuable learnings as UP Diliman Associate Professor of Family Life and Child Development Dr. Lilian Leynes-Juadiong shared her expert insights at the new Nido 3+ campaign on Wednesday.

Dr. Juadiong gave a presentation on some basics of child development at the event and in a roundtable discussion, joining the brand’s newest ambassador Barbie Almalbis-Honasan, the singer-songwriter behind the refreshed theme “You’re My Number One” (last revived by Sharon Cuneta in 2009).  Barbie shared her own experiences as a mom in this generation. The now mother-of-two Barbie earnestly confirmed that having children was indeed like “having your heart walk around outside of your body.”

Barbie went on to share how, in the early days of her elder child, she was constantly fretful and anxious.

“Tendency ko is really to want to control everything,” she said. “Para hindi sila masaktan.”

Barbie added that the simple incident of seeing her daughter fall down would make her panic. Later, her husband pointed out that it was her reaction that was making her daughter cry, and not so much the fall.

“But now, especially now that they’re past the age of three years old, I realized that I couldn’t control everything, as much as I want to. So now, I’m glad that I don’t have to control everything. I can help train them, can help protect them, with the best growing up milk,” she explained.

Which is NIDO 3+, of course.

“The 3+ years are a time of discovery,” explained Dr. Juadiong. NIDO 3+ is specifically for the “early childhood”, which is around three years old to six years old. This is the period when children have high energy levels and absorb information at a fast rate. The first four years of a child’s life is supposed to be the time of the fastest brain development.

“So if you’re a first-time mom, you should know that,” said Dr. Juadiong. “Sabi nila, if you want to be well-protected, you have to be well-informed.”

Below are important points from her presentation, for mommies everywhere:

Time for significant discoveries about the world

“The child will discover na, hindi lang pala itong mundo ko, hindi lang pala itong crib ko, hindi lang pala itong bahay ko,” says Dr. Juadiong. “There is something bigger: outdoors, the world around them, the environment around them.”

This discovery is crucial to the child’s development of self-awareness and competences.

If you’re feeding the child, for example, the tendency may be to micro-manage, to take the spoon away and feed them yourself to avoid a mess.

“You don’t do that. You let the child handle the spoon and fork, and in that way you build the self-esteem and the self-confidence of the child. Your child will be able to explore,” according to Dr. Juadiong.

It may seem messy, but in truth it allows the child to discover and learn. Dr. Juadiong adds, “And of course, if the child is protected with NIDO 3+… you will not be afraid that the child will get sick if he puts something in his mouth and so on.”

When the child will be socialized in earnest

“By socialization we don’t mean sosyalan,” says Dr. Juadiong. “Socialization here refers to the process by which children are taught to conform to social rules.” The child learns values and attitudes typical of their culture and environment, usually carried throughout their lives.

“So ito yung, “Oh, bless ka kay lolo” or “oh, you say thank you” or “you cover your mouth when you cough,”’ explains Dr. Juadiong. Children learn to pick up social cues and generally how to function in the society they are raised in.

Additionally, Dr. Juadiong cautions first-time mothers to keep in mind that these things are not always given by formal instruction. Some are learned simply by observing the behaviour of others.

“Everything you say, everything you do, you have to watch out. Children will mimic you, children will repeat you,” she said.

Children learn well by observation.

A time for developing lasting habits and routines

“This is the best time to let your children experience routines,” says Dr. Juadiong. Parents should encourage their children to develop the kind of habits and routines that will be useful to them later in life. Though it sounds grand, Dr. Juadiong explains that it is as simple as teaching the child how to function in everyday activities.

“As soon as you wake up, what do you do? After taking a bath, what do you do? Before going to sleep, what do you do?” she says. “You do that, you build the self-confidence of the child.” Learning this, the child will not have to ask you how to do every little thing, and will be able to bring the ability to do things on his own into adulthood. “And you as a mom won’t have to nag them.”

When the child learns to deal with separation

“Remember, your child will be going to school,” says Dr. Juadiong. “If you don’t encourage separation, even for a short period of time, you’ll have a hard time. So as a first time mom (or second, or third, or even as a lola), you should see to it that you have periods of separation.”

Children must learn to separate easily and comfortably from parents for longer periods of time, Dr. Juadiong continues, or else they will never learn to be independent of the parent, which is stunting to the child’s development.

“Hindi palagi nagkasaksak sa ‘yo ang bata,” says Dr. Juadiong. “Or nagsaksak palagi sa yaya.”

A time for expectations

“This is also the period when social roles and family interaction matters are learned for the first time,” explains Dr. Juadiong. Things like playing with other children, sharing toys, and packing away the toys afterward are learning experiences for the child that remind him what he is responsible for. “So the child comes to value the presence of other children.”

By this, Dr. Juadiong does not mean that parents should enforce social niceties without letting the child engage them fully. For example, “If the child is not sorry, don’t force the child to say sorry.” A forced apology for the sake of peace will mean an insincere one.

“Remember that. As parents we’re very guilty of — ‘mag-sorry ka!’ tapos pinalo mo. Pero hindi naman sorry yung bata. Never force a child to say sorry when the child is not ready. Sasabihin lang niya for peace. Just tell the child, ‘when you’re ready, you say sorry. But if you’re not ready, think about it and sit in your quiet chair,’” she adds.

Dealing with conflict

“As early as pre-school years, you expose your child to conflicts — there’s nothing wrong with that,” says Dr. Juadiong. “A child exposed to conflicts becomes tougher, the child learns how to handle... Nadapa siya, okay lang. Nadapa ka, nasaktan ka, ganyan ang buhay anak. Matuto kang madapa, matuto kang tumayo.”

As conflict is part of life, it is crucial for children to learn how to deal with it early because it is part of learning the basics of how to function as a social human being. “Maliit lang siya dapat mayroon nang mga basics ng human social interaction.”

Dr. Juadiong also acknowledges that it can be difficult for mothers to teach this. “Sometimes it’s distressing, it’s disturbing — kasi nanay ka.” It is, however, something that will help the child in the long run, as it is not something that can really be taught well into adulthood.

“So pag naka-boyfriend na siya, pag nasa office na siya, alam niya... buhay ito. Ganito ang buhay. Ibig sabihin three years old pa lang, i-umpisan mo na ang batang matutong mag-handle, that human social interaction is like this.”

Developing communication skills

“The child should learn to communicate what he feels, whether positive or negative,’ Dr. Juadiong says firmly. Learning how to express is extremely important to a child’s development, and parents should keep in mind that all expression, positive or negative, should be encouraged.

“The child should communicate. You don’t get mad at the child if the child says, ‘I hate you mommy!’…You say, ‘Okay, right now you hate mommy, why?’ Simply becoming angry to negative expressions will never teach the child how to work through it, only to repress it. “Processo,” Dr. Juadiong calls it. She encourages parents to work ask questions and talk with the child. “’Galit ka sa mommy, bakit?’ [the child will answer] ‘kasi… binabawalan mo ako.’ ‘Bakit binabawalan ka ni mommy?’ You let the child go through the whole process, tapos maintindihan na niya, ah, kaya pala binabawalan.”

Learning how to express emotions and feelings, whether positive or negative, will help children as they grow older because then they will not find themselves already in the outside world unable to handle strong emotions, which in turn decreases their chances of turning to suicide as adults.

Curious about tablets, technology

While on the topic, Dr. Juadiong was also asked for her expert opinion on this generation’s tendency to raise their children on tablet technology, and its effects on child development.

“I don’t belong to the group na, ‘bawal ‘yan,’” she says. “I’m for it, but with a limited number of hours. And the age — under two years old, you don’t expose the child to those things.” Putting a blanket ban risks having the child be ignorant of things that are so common in our society.

Still, practicing moderation is important, as well as paying attention to your child’s age. “When the child is already four, that’s the time na you can let him handle gadgets. But limited ang time, at supervised. And sinasala mo kung anong lalaro nila.” Dr. Juadiong points out that knowing how to use a tablet is a tool for the generation, and is thus useful. “It’s just like television. Television per se is not bad. But you should limit the number of hours you are going to watch.”

In addition, alternatives for the child to handle in the tablet’s off-hours are really not difficult to find.

“Storybooks,” Dr. Juadiong says. “Ang daming magandang mga storybooks. The fact that when you use storybooks, umaandar yung brain [ng bata].” Children make the text of a book come alive in their minds, which is very good for their imaginations. Cinderella’s gown, for example, might be yellow for one child and red for another, or they might imagine what the inside of the castle looks like, and so on. “Whereas sa TV, o sa iPad, nandyan na. Ano pa ma-imagine niya?”

Simple conversations, she says, also help a lot to developing a child’s imagination. Parents should be willing to talk to their children thoughtfully, asking them questions like why they do or do not like something. The child’s brain will work to answer these questions and converse with you. And on the part of the parent, it shows an interest in the development of their child’s mind as well as their body.

Points to keep in mind when letting a child handle a tablet?

“First of all, the effect on the eyes, pag masyadong matagal, that’s the physical. Second, yung values na natutuhan nila from the things that they are watching. Like if it’s too violent… nakaka-affect sa mga values ng bata. Third, when the child is always watching or playing with gadgets, yung socialisation niya is affected. Instead of playing with other kids, you’re just sitting down,” she explains.

Apart from the adverse effects on the child’s nutrition — physical inactivity is detrimental to anyone’s health, let alone children —for a child to not know anything except to sit down with a tablet is abnormal.

“Everything should be monitored, supervised,’ says Dr. Juadiong. ‘Everything should be in moderation.”