‘Is make-up sex after physical and verbal abuse normal?’

DEAR EPPY,

I’m 25 years old and I have a boyfriend of almost three years. The first year of our relationship was fine. We were so happy and in love, we practically lived together as he was staying in my apartment.  We regularly had sex and we seldom fought. But now that we’re on our first year and a half, things have turned bad.  We fight over little things.  For example, things we fight about are as petty as the shorts and skirts I wear.  He doesn’t want me to wear them.  But I still do.  He thinks I’m trying to attract other guys.  But that is not the reason why I wear them.  I feel comfortable wearing them.  I also feel confident when I wear them.  And because I’m hardheaded, we argue, then he would hurt me verbally and physically.  That happened twice.  Every time he hurts me, I always feel like breaking up with him, but he doesn’t want to.  We end up having sex instead, then we’re okay. Luckily, that physical fight stopped after I gave him an ultimatum.

A couple of months had passed since we had a problem. Four months ago, I lost my job for the second time and decided to go back to our province to continue my studies. My decision was so sudden.  He was in shock and started crying. We’re still together though.  Because we were far from each other, he had sex with his officemate shortly after I moved out.   He said he missed having sex with me. 

Fast-forward, he got the girl pregnant. The baby had to be removed due to some complications.  He admitted he made a mistake.  He said he was sorry and I told him I forgave him.  Losing two jobs and having a boyfriend who cheated on me have had a bad effect on me.  I feel depressed and frustrated.  It feels like my life has no direction because I can’t force myself to study anymore.

When I lost my job, a couple of months back, all I wanted was for him to listen to me.  Losing a job I love isn’t as simple as losing my pen.  He knew I was crying.  He told me to just find another job so I’d be able to live.  He didn’t even care to listen first.  I didn’t need him to tell me what to do.  He already had a judgment — that I’m being lazy and that I don’t want to continue with my studies.  He thinks I’m not going to school anymore.

He wants me to continue my studies not for my own good but because he wants his wife in the future to have a job as well.  He wants someone to financially support our family.  Do I have a boyfriend who is too controlling or is he just doing that to show that he loves me and cares for me?  Am I stupid for still accepting him (my mother always tells me that)?  Why is he like that?  Is make-up sex after physically hurting me normal?

CONFUSED GIRLFRIEND

DEAR CONFUSED GIRLFRIEND,

Here is what I hear you say about your boyfriend.  In the beginning, you and he lived together in your apartment.  That means you were paying for his lodging.  Now that you are in bad shape, he is telling you that it’s not good enough and you should shape up so you can help him support the family in the future.  I also hear you say that he neither feels for you nor can he give you a listening ear.

Your boyfriend also has a habit of telling you what to wear and judges you as trying to attract men with your attire.  For him, standing up for your rights is wrong and is a reason for him to hurt you verbally and physically.  Apparently, after a fight, he likes having sex with you.  When you left because you lost your job, he missed sex with you but did not mention missing you, then had sex with someone else.  How does the picture look so far? 

There are different types of couples who come to see me.  I notice that the ones that have long relationships have caring individuals involved.  The men are as nurturing and caring as the women.  I also observe that the ones that do not last are those with men who demand certain characteristics from women and don’t have a caring characteristic towards their women. 

I would say your boyfriend is an abusive and selfish man.  The natural instinct of a loving and caring man is to make sure that the people he loves feels protected and safe.  But your boyfriend is so self-absorbed that in the midst of your sufferings, he still thinks of his comfort more than consoling you. 

After losing your job you had to go back to your home, which was in the province.  Now that you’re down and out, it is his chance to show that he is a caring and nurturing person.  But he does not use this opportunity.  Instead, he uses this opportunity to make you see that you should be the future financial support in his dream family.

 As for sex after a conflict, it may mean nothing at all.  But the fact that you find it odd may also be a manifestation of something.  Sex and aggression are supposed to come from the same place in the human brain.  If there is something wrong with him, then it is possible that he sees sex as another way of overpowering you.  If can’t win in an argument, he will win in the sexual arena.  If he wins an argument, then he may pursue this in the sexual arena as well.  You’ll know because sex will not be pleasurable.                                    EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.

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Author’s note: In response to one of my readers, I am sharing this information with those of you who need support groups — try e-mailing surrogathelfen@gmail.com.  They provide sessions for people with addiction problems, families of people with personality disorder, battered wives, and many more.