Grieving and moving on

Death is indeed a reality we can’t escape. For those of us with loved ones facing a terminal illness, grieving actually starts the minute we get the grim prognosis. Actually, I really don’t know what type of passing on is best.  There are those who leave without any hint of death such as a heart attack or an accident. And there are those who leave after a lingering illness. In the case of the latter, it is even considered a blessing for one to die amid a lot of pain and suffering as most believe they will move on to a better place where there is no fear, no worry, no pain, and no anxiety.

Loss of a loved one, especially suddenly, is extremely sad. But grieve we must. We cannot deny the pain of the physical separation. Everyone should grieve. The duration and intensity of grieving is a personal and individual process which cannot be rushed. Like a cold, we have to make it run its course.

Some go through a state of shock, feeling numb or disoriented. Some, as in my case, have trouble sleeping. Some dwell on the words of love or forgiveness they have not uttered. Some, like in the case of my nephew, dream repeatedly about all the advice and serious conversations they had since he was a child. Uncontrolled sobbing or crying outbursts are also common.

In the case of my aunt, she was half-conscious in ICU after a stroke. We couldn’t talk to her as she couldn’t answer back. She was there for almost two weeks and celebrated her birthday with rubber glove balloons tied to her hospital bed. Nonetheless, we still felt blessed as we converged as a family praying over her, talking to her, massaging her limbs, holding her hands, and rejoicing in every small response we got from her. She actually renewed and strengthened our family bond as we drew strength and hope from each other.

The weight of grief becomes a lot lighter when you draw strength from your faith and family. That is actually the beauty of extended families in the Philippine setting. In our case, when the doctors called for a meeting to discuss major decisions such as tests or procedures, they were surprised when the brother, the nephews and nieces, grandchildren and even cousins were all in attendance!

The first step in the grieving process is to accept that your loved one is physically gone. Experts say that a way of overcoming the denial process, is to view the body after death, attend the wake and funeral, and visit the tomb. Talking about the dead person and the events leading to death also helps.

What we grieve is the physical separation, but we believe that our loved one is actually in a better place, and that in time, we will be reunited with them. We are the ones grieving because of our loss. We mourn because a part of us dies and we are unsure how we can live on with the emptiness.

After accepting the loss, the next step is to allow ourselves to experience the pain of grief. Some people negate grief and proceed as if nothing happened. We cannot shortcut or escape mourning. There are those who do end up depressed or psychosomatically ill. Even Jesus and Mary wept when confronted with the loss of a loved one, so yes, we can indeed weep over our loss.  Remember worse than the pain of losing a love one is the tragedy of not having loved someone at all.

How do we move on? We adjust to a life without our loved one. We fill the gaps left by his passing. We assume the role our loved one played in our lives or look for someone who can perform the tasks. My aunt was great in cooking and feeding us so we commemorate her by sharing meals or cooking the recipes she had passed on. My uncle also “adopted” more people and hired a good cook.

Then when we feel settled or normal again, we have to reinvest the emotional energy freed by the loss of our loved one in another relationship or relationships. This does not mean replacing or forgetting the person who died, as in the case of a spouse. I have a friend who even asked his deceased spouse to help him look for another partner in life because he cannot raise his two kids alone.

New relationships need not be with another partner though, it could be with family members or even a community. Some find meaning from the loss by spearheading charity work or foundations in memory of their loved ones. This is when the energy freed by grieving is turned into positive energy, creating a new mission or passion for the living.

How soon do you get to this stage? This is a process that can’t be rushed and you alone can answer when you are ready to reinvest in another relationship. For some, it can be one year of not doing anything; for others, it could just be a few months.

Finish your grieving first. That doesn’t mean forgetting your loss. It only means you have fully accepted the loss and you are over the stage where you keep on asking God why your loved one died. You know you are ready to move on when you start asking how you will rebuild your life.

In the whole process, take care of yourself. This is no time for self-destruction. Let go and move on. Find a way to start life over again. Open your mind and heart to possibilities that will give your life renewed meaning and rekindle your passion to live a life with purpose.

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Post me a note at mylene@goldsgym.com.ph or mylenedayrit@gmail.com