‘Friend zone’ or the age-old unrequited love?

DEAR EPPY,

I have been recently “friendzoned” and I’ve been trying to move on.  People give me the “there’s lots of fish in the sea” speech, but I feel that I really am in love with this girl.  She is someone I met this year.  We’ve been constantly communicating for months now.  I see her as a potential partner and I rarely pursue love interests.  I think she is my ideal girl.

I’ve been trying to nurture our friendship, wanting it to become a different kind of relationship in the long run.  Before the whole “I see you only as a friend” incident, I expressed my feelings towards her a few months earlier, asking if I had a chance.  She said she wasn’t sure yet because she wasn’t ready for a relationship.  I respected this and told her I was willing to wait. 

After time together, I felt we had a connection.  I arranged a surprise for her, which made her really happy with tears of joy.  I thought this would increase my chances of being with her.  I thought this would send a message that I was serious about her.  But it didn’t come out the way I expected it to. 

I feel she isn’t interested anymore.  Yet, I still try to contact her.  I try giving simple gifts just so I can regain the good friendship we had.  I’ve been reading about it, but some say there is no such thing as “friend zone” and it’s all made up by men.  They say I shouldn’t have expected anything in return even if I exerted much effort. 

Is it wrong if I still think I have a chance with her, even though communication is broken or one-sided and the odds are against me?  Or am I perceived as desperate and should just accept that it’s a lost cause?                   LOST IN LOVE

DEAR LOST IN LOVE,

You may call it “friend zone,” which supposedly originated from the TV series Friends, but in my opinion, it is just a modified version of the age-old unrequited love.  According to Helen Fisher in her article, “Of Lost Love and Old Bones,” published in Chronicle of Higher Education, literary works, such as, poems, songs, stories, myths, and more have described this situation for almost 4,000 years now. Helen describes the effect of this experience as something that is painful and can cause people to do things that are not typical of their character.

Helen describes one of her students as being absent because his girlfriend did not reciprocate his interest in her.  Helen adds that this situation is not uncommon and that 93% of college students in a study reported that they were rejected by someone they liked, while 95% reported that they have rejected someone who was in love with them. 

According to Helen Fisher, the drive to love is a need for every human being.  This is biological.  That is, our brain was designed to love and feel the need for attachment to ensure that two people will stay together until a child is born and nurtured for at least a few months.  This is the explanation for your need to hope and believe that you have a chance with her.

As you can see, you are not alone in this as this has been experienced by so many for thousands of years.  As Helen puts it, “…I doubt things have changed significantly, even with new drug therapies.”  Thus, desperation is not a good fit for your behavior.  It is biological and you need to go through this because it is part of your being. 

For now, you will hurt and be frustrated.  Every time you hope, it would seem that some of your friend’s behavior will confirm that it is but right for you to hope.  Then rejection follows that experience.  Helen Fisher wishes that she could reach out and tell her student that he will be able to find someone else in the future and it is unnecessary for him to suffer. 

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University.  I would assume she is not a sentimental romantic.  I may be wrong.  But she knows that her wish to help her student and telling him what to do will not help at all.  She knows that romance is not the one that makes her student behave differently.  She knows that it is part of his being as a human being.

In my opinion, if someone will “fall in love with you,” that person would have done so within a short period of time.  Otherwise, it is best to leave it alone and move on.  However, that’s my opinion.  In my experience as someone who likes helping people, I notice that men who are persistent are able to make their female friends notice them and appreciate them.  They are always there for their “friend” and are always around when they are needed.

If you really want this female friend of yours to like you, too, it will be difficult and time consuming.  But your feelings of hope and optimism will be the characteristics that will help you hurdle all these difficulties and get to your goal of loving her and being loved back.  But you really won’t know.  However, if you persist, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.  It’s part of our biological makeup.

One last thing, try not to buy her love with gifts or anything material.  Give her something because you think it will benefit her not because you think the gift will make her like you.  If you think that way, it’s best you stop trying, because she will feel this and will be insulted by this way of thinking.  Just be kind and sensitive to her.

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.