Is there a difference between being abusive and being an abuser?

DEAR EPPY,

I constantly read your column.  Recently, I read your column that responded to “Love for Two.”  I think, like her, I am an abuser.  But I want to change.  Unfortunately, I have no money to pay experts.   I wonder how you can help me.  I don’t want to lose my husband and destroy my family.  Please help me!

ABUSIVE AM NOT

DEAR ABUSIVE AM NOT,

Abuse is a common word nowadays.  It is unfortunate that abuse starts in the family.  Most common is the abuse of children because children are the most weak, they can be abused by both mother, father, or any adult who can take care of them.  Even older children can be abusive to a younger child. 

Women seem to be the next victims when it comes to abuse.  Precisely why there is such a thing as a “battered wife.”  Usually, in police reports or case studies, women are the victims of abuse.  The strength of men can overpower the aggression of women, leading to marks seen in the bodies of women.

There are women with no marks in their bodies but are considered to be battered by their husbands.  These women are usually emotionally battered rather than physically battered.  The men usually abuse by withholding communication from these women, calling them names, withholding money, isolating them from their family and friends, and so on.

Yet, there are men considered to be gentle, kind, sensitive, and nurturing.  These men sometimes get into a relationship with aggressive women.  These men can be abused by women, both physically and emotionally.  These women start abusing by being suspicious of the man’s behavior.  They accuse their men of cheating on them even if the men are not doing so. 

In turn, these men become defensive and act suspiciously, not wanting to hurt their wives further.  But the abusive wives detect the changes in the behavior of their spouses or partners, which worsens the situation.  Consequently, the wife or girlfriend ends up physically hurting the husband or the male partner. 

Some men would end up defending themselves by pushing their partners away or using their arms to protect themselves.  This sometimes causes bruises in the woman’s arms, which is the reason why some women are able to show marks on their arms, making it look like they were abused when, in fact, they themselves are the abusers.  There are men with wives who only abuse them emotionally without the physical abuse. 

You were not specific about your behavior that leads you to think that you are an abuser.  You can abuse your husband without being an abuser.  People are naturally aggressive.  This aggression causes people to manifest abusive behavior.  Being abusive does not mean you are an abuser.  For example, reading my column you realize your mistake and want to change.  Being aware that you are wrong may mean that you are more of an abusive person than an abuser.

If, however, you were not self-aware and completely blame your husband for your violence towards him, then you may be a true abuser.  Most abusers have personality disorders.  They are not self-aware and will abuse without ever feeling for their companions. 

You need to see a professional to facilitate change in your behavior.  Self-awareness is not enough.  I know you said you don’t have money for that though.  I wish we had sponsors for us to have group therapy sessions for people like you who would like to change.  Unfortunately, we need a place for that and a staff for coordinating schedules and organizing the sessions.

Since we don’t have the place and staff, the only help I can give you is to give you a list of the different abusive acts.  Memorize these acts and compare them with your behavior.  If you have one or any of the acts in the list, then I suggest you stop the act or acts.  Remember that if you are abusive to your husband, your children will see or notice this.  If so, then you are abusing them as well.  Abusing someone or an animal in front of a child is also abusing the child. 

Here are the different abusive acts and a list for each abusive act:

• Physical abuse: scratching, biting, punching, strangling, hitting, pulling hair, kicking, throwing something at you, pushing you, pulling you (yanking), grabbing your clothing, using a gun (pointing at you with it), using a knife, using a cutter, using any kind of weapon, grabbing your face to look at the perpetrator of abuse, slapping your face, or any other acts towards the body that can cause pain.

• Emotional abuse: In psychology today, emotional abuse is defined by Steven Stosny as an act that “… intentionally hurts the feelings of another person.”  Therefore, the following are acts of emotional abuse: ridiculing your partner or insulting your partner, then saying it’s a joke; giving you the silent treatment; making jokes about your gender; name calling; withholding approval, withholding appreciation, withholding affection, withholding money; criticizing; yelling at you; humiliating you;  ridiculing beliefs, ridiculing your family, ridiculing your race or class; isolating you from your friends and other family members; telling the partner that he or she is too sensitive; threatening your partner you’re leaving, threatening separation or divorce; threatening to hurt another family member; and suspecting the partner is cheating even when there is no evidence.

These are but a few samples of abusive behavior.  Go to the Internet and search for other forms of abusive acts.  There are a lot.  Check if you have these acts.  I can’t stress enough that just because you manifest any of these acts doesn’t mean you are already an abuser.  It definitely means you are abusive though.  But what’s important is that you know you are hurting someone else and you need to stop.                                             EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.