‘How do I nurse my low self-esteem back to health?’

HELLO, EPPY!

I want to be a happy, calm, and an even-tempered wife, mother, boss, etc. However, I have trust issues and a low self-esteem. It gets the better of me most of the time. Sometimes, I become aware of that, I scowl while I think.

Growing up, I had an absentee father. I also have a mother who was a rigid disciplinarian, and still is. I was always corrected for being too loud, too goofy, too skinny, too talkative, too opinionated, etc. Scholastic achievements were the only occasions for compliments. And so I pushed myself in my studies to receive compliments from my mother.

As I near my 40s, there are no more periodic grades given out, responsibilities come aplenty, but the bad reviews are still handed out to me occasionally, but I want to feel good about myself, about life — I see the glass as half-full — and I need your help.

How do I get out of the low and swing to high (or even mid-rise) self-esteem? Can I have a healthy self-esteem on my own or do I really need the good experiences and relationships in order to have one?      LOW DOWN

DEAR LOW DOWN,

In the animal kingdom, the slowest to mature is the human specie. It is a disadvantage because while the newborn horse feeds on its own, the human baby will die if there are no nurturing parents for the first few years. Yet, the lack of speed in maturation becomes an advantage because it gives the human being the capacity for change even in its later years. So, good news for you! You can still do something to change how you feel about yourself and life.

Your letter to me implies that you think that you are the way you are now because of two things: a) you have an absentee father; and b) you have a mother who overly criticizes you.

It is not surprising that you think that the absence of your father may have had an effect on you in a negative way. Most people would think that this is the case. However, when I was studying my master’s degree in counseling psychology I read an article with the position that a child needs only one parent. That parent has to be warm, considerate, and allows a two-way communication with his/her child. Two parents is not a requirement for a person to be psychologically healthy. I couldn’t find that article, but I have found another that has a similar message.

Nancy Stephens submitted an article to The Journal of Psychology entitled, “Sex-role identity, parental identification, and self-concept of adolescent daughters from mother-absent, father-absent, and intact families.” Stephens discovered that if a female has an absentee father, she will not be any different from another female whose father is present in her life. This tells you that the absence of your father is not the cause of your poor self-esteem or trust issue.

I would think that your present emotional state is a result of your mother’s child-rearing practices. Like most parents, your mother must have wanted you to be a perfect child/person. Unfortunately, during your mother’s time, people were not into psychology the way people are now. Criticizing you was her only known tool to help you be that perfect person.

Psychology, being a science, wants to get to reality as close as it can get. Research is its tool to provide us with better ways of understanding human development. For example, in a study by Gail Heyman, Carol Dweck, and Kathleen Cain entitled, “Young Children’s Vulnerability to Self-Blame and Helplessness: Relationship to Beliefs about Goodness,” published in Child Development, they concluded that criticism has a negative result in children. Moreover, criticism affects the self-evaluation of the child.

I would think that your mother didn’t know when to stop criticizing you, which affected how you evaluated yourself, leading you to unhappiness. As I said earlier, it is still possible for you to change how you feel and how you think. You have to find a good psychotherapist to guide you into discovering that part of you that is capable of being a good wife, mother, and boss.

However, I must caution you to stay away from psychotherapists who tell you what to do and what’s right or wrong in your life. These are therapists who have difficulty in the creative arena. They will make you feel even more inadequate as a human being. Go to a psychotherapist who finds creative ways in finding yourself, one who does not pretend he/she knows better than you when it comes to your life.

Try this: When you feel you have done something productive or something you can be proud of and you feel good about it, pat your head repetitively (tap three times) and tell yourself, “I did well.” I find this helpful with people who doubt themselves and their abilities. Tapping your shoulders does not give you that electrifying feeling as much as tapping your head. Do this every day. Make sure you find something that you can feel proud of for the day. It can be as simple as: walking an old lady across the street; sharing your food with someone at the office; or even smiling at someone. Then tap your head when you are able to find a place where there is no one (so no one can get the chance to laugh at what you’re doing) and say, “You did well today.” Do this every day and you’ll see how it will improve your emotional state.                                                              EPPY

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Author’s Note: There is a one-day talk, which is for free, at the Santuario de San Antonio, Forbes Park, Makati, on Sunday, Aug. 18, 2 to 5 p.m. addressing addiction issues. For more information, call or text 0928-8446313, or e-mail sgroups457@yahoo.com.