‘Should I tell my fiancé I told him a white lie when I said I was a virgin?’

DEAR EPPY,

I’m currently in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, my soon-to-be fiancé.  I want to make this relationship right.  But the thing is, in the past, when he asked me if I was a virgin, I answered “yes” (I was quite scared to answer “no,” as I thought he might see me in a bad way).  Anyhow, I did it once with my ex, but that’s it, only once. 

I really feel the connection with my current boyfriend that’s why I said that he’s my first one.  I’m up for honesty in this relationship.  I don’t know if this can be considered a white lie (to protect his feelings); besides I don’t care about my past.  Two years from now, we will get married. This is the only thing that I hid from him.

Should I still tell him the truth? Or just leave it as it is.

TRUTH AND WHITE LIES

DEAR TRUTH AND WHITE LIES,

Telling your boyfriend that you told him a “white lie” and keeping the truth from him both have consequences that can be negative.  
If you tell him that you lied about being a virgin, then it is possible that he would not be able to trust you again.  On the other hand, if you don’t tell him, the discomfort of guilt may haunt you for the rest of your life. 

But what struck me most about your letter is that you have minimized the act of lying.  It’s as though a white lie is inconsequential.  Doing it once or twice or 50 times is not the issue.  Yet, you point to that fact as if it makes your “white lie” a truth.  Also, using the word “just” to camouflage the severity of your “white lie” makes you think that it’s nothing.  However, it can have an effect.  

I know most people, one way or another, will tell a “white lie.”  But it does not mean it does not have a negative effect on people.
Two other researchers, Jennifer J. Argo and Baba Shiv, published their paper in the Journal of Consumer Research about “white lies” entitled “Are White Lies as Innocuous as We Think?”  They hypothesized that if a person tells a “white lie,” then the effect is negative.  Lying is categorized into two: The first is to protect the public self and the personal self; the second is to benefit (lie to be polite, to ensure that a social interaction runs smoothly, or to protect another person’s feelings).
“White lies” are known to supposedly protect the receiver of the deception from something.  In the study of Argo and Shiv, this seems to be the case. The receiver of the deception benefits from the deception. However, when one looks into a situation of a “white lie,” one must look at everyone involved. 

Argo and Shiv posit that research has to focus also on the deceiver.  They wanted to know the fate of the speaker of the deception.  Consequently, Argo and Shiv directed their attention towards the effects of a “white lie” on the deceiver.  They discovered that when a person tells a “white lie,” there is an internal process that makes the experience unpleasant for the deceiver.  The deceiver tries to remove the unpleasant internal experience because it becomes uncomfortable.  To take away the experience, the deceiver then changes things in the situation.  The deceiver’s decisions and behavior will now have to change to accommodate a change in the situation.  This will now make the receiver of the deception benefit.  For example, a husband may tell a “white lie” to his wife at dinner about not seeing a certain female officemate that his wife is jealous of.  Not knowing that her husband told her a “white lie” she innocently asks her husband if she could take a trip to Hong Kong.  He says, “Yes.”  On top of that, he gives her an allowance beyond his budget.  He could have just said “yes” and gave her enough allowance to enjoy her trip.  But because of the “white lie,” he gave her more than just enjoying her trip.

In another study by Candida Peterson entitled “Deception in Intimate Relationships,” in the International Journal of Psychology (1996), it is mentioned that lies, no matter what was said, may affect the relationship of a couple.  Her study showed that the more deceitfulness a partner uses in the relationship, the less satisfying the relationship becomes for the partners.

So, you might want to change your attitude about “white lies” when it comes to your boyfriend.  If you tell a restaurant owner that the food he serves is “perfect” even if you think it’s the worse food you’ve ever tasted in your life, then whatever the consequences you have to take because of that, in my opinion, are really insignificant. 

But if you continue to believe that telling a “white lie” to your boyfriend is harmless, you should think again.  Peterson says that your “white lie” will actually affect your relationship with your present boyfriend.  I am not telling you to tell your boyfriend that you told him a “white lie.”  I am telling you that you should change your attitude about “white lies” because if you keep your attitude at present, you might not lose your boyfriend because you told him you are a virgin in the past.   You might lose him because of your future “white lies” because in your mind, they are “just” plain “harmless.”                                                                                           

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.