An abusive partner will tire you until you just want to die

DEAR EPPY,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He was a kind and loving person, but everything changed when I lost his trust.  He caught me smoking even when I said I had stopped already.  He caught me out with my friends even when he didn’t allow me, and a lot more petty lies.

I know we are immature.  Having a strict boyfriend doesn’t give me the right to lie to him.  We almost broke up last year and it was a wakeup call!  My relationship with my boyfriend changed a lot.  He stopped saying “I love you.”  He became moody.  He never raised his voice at me before, but now he does.  He has also been cold.

Because of these, arguments arise all the time and I cry a lot.  One time, he got so mad at me he told me he doesn’t trust and respect me anymore.  It was one of the most heartbreaking moments in my life.  I was down on my knees, crying out loud, asking him not to give up on us.  I told him that I was going to prove myself again and prove that I’m worthy of his trust. 

I stopped smoking.  I don’t go out with my friends or contact them.  I changed the way I dress because he is strict with that.  I even changed my perspective in life so that it could fit into his world.  But deep in my heart, I know that there is something wrong.  I feel like I am not me anymore.  I am unhappy.  I’ve been proving myself to him for more than a year now, but it seems that it’s still not enough.   

My friend told me “nothing is worth it if you aren’t happy.” But why do I feel that this is all worth it?  If he learns to forget everything and forgives me truly, then it will all be worth it, right? I love him so much but I want to be happy again. Please help.                                                HEARTBROKEN WOMAN 

Dear Heartbroken Woman,

It’s sad that you have a very poor perception of yourself.  You doubted yourself and believed that there’s something wrong with you.  You betray yourself when you allowed your boyfriend to find fault with your decisions. 

I would like to let you know that I am responding to you with the assumption that you are not a compulsive liar, which may make your boyfriend change into a monster.  If you are a compulsive liar, then my response will help the other women out there reading The Philippine STAR and my column who are being abused by their husbands or boyfriends, but this will not help you in any way.  If you are not a compulsive liar, then this is definitely for you.

Your boyfriend is abusive.  Abusive men and women will isolate their partners from friends and family members.  They will always have a good reason why they are punishing their partners.  They will make their partners think that they are worthless.  They will withhold affection, information, money, and communication to disable others.  They like controlling their partners.  This is why he tells you how to dress up.  They will not allow their partners to have their own opinions.  This is the reason why you changed the way you see things in life. 

According to Mark Raffenstein, author of Recognizing an Abusive Relationship, published by Current Health (2001), there are four forms of abuse.  There are physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual.  Physical abuse includes hitting, pushing, grabbing, strangling, scratching, or anything that makes your body hurt.  Verbal abuse is putting you down, which includes calling you names.  Sexual abuse is when one partner forces the other partner to perform sex even if the other does not want to.  Emotional abuse is insidious but very destructive.

I think that emotional abuse is the most destructive because physical and sexual abuse can be seen, verbal abuse can be heard, but emotional abuse is something that you will not know until it has already affected you in the most destructive way.  Examples of emotional abuse given by Raffenstein are: withholding approval, affection, or appreciation; trying to control someone’s decisions, their money, or even the way they dress or wear their hair.

Don’t you think that Raffenstein’s examples of emotional abuse are the very situations you have mentioned about your boyfriend?  You see, no matter how hard you try to prove something to him he will never see it because whatever it is you do, it will always be wrong.  Stop thinking that he will forget and forgive because he will not.  An abuser is relentless and they will tire you till you just want to die. 

Yes, there is definitely something wrong.  Nothing is worth it if an abuser is involved.  If he doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with what he is doing to you, I suggest you leave him because one day, after marrying him, you will leave him anyway because he will have worsened.  Abusers usually start abusing emotionally, then they will verbally, physically, and sexually abuse their partners. 

If you insist that your boyfriend will change, I suggest you bring your boyfriend to a professional.  The professional will tell you if he will change or not.  By the way, you need not embarrass yourself by lying to anyone.  Stand your ground.  You should not do things that will make you feel ashamed of yourself.  Stand up for yourself and the things you do. 

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.