If your girlfriend is as ugly as sin

You know what’s great about being a grandmother?  You are no longer in that sensitive, precarious position of assessing the girls or the boys that your children are dating.  It was fun, however, to be reminded of how careful we were in choosing adjectives to criticize or describe our pleasure or dis.

Thanks to my high school mate, Juris O. Telmo, who sent me a list of how well-meaning friends uses irony — signifying the opposite for humorous effect — to alert friends who were bitten by the love bug or hit by Cupid’s arrow.  The message?  Wake up, buddy, you’ve committed a dreadful mistake.  Take note that these can apply to boyfriends as well.  The Tagalog version is more hilarious and side-splitting.  I took the liberty of giving my own interpretation, in English.

Paano sasabihin sa kaibigan mo na pangit ang girlfriend nya.  (How to tell your friend that his girlfriend is most splendidly, gallantly ugly):

Pare, mahilig ka pala sa abstract? (Brother, I didn’t know you like abstract?)

Ay, lugi! (Oh no, you’ve gone belly-up or flat broke.)

Sing or hum “Tale as old as time….”

No Tagalog version necessary for this Walt Disney box office hit.  

Sabi ko na nga ba eh, hindi ka mababaw na tao.  Mahilig ka talaga sa inner beauty. (I was right, you are not shallow.  You look for the deep, cavernous, unfathomable beauty). (Sigh.)

Pare, hindi ba illegal yan?  I-surrender mo na yan sa DENR. (Brother, isn’t it illegal?  Turn her over to Department of Environment and Natural Resources). Masarap siguro siyang magmahal, ano? (She must know how to love, and nothing else, right?)

Pare, hindi pa ba nagbabayad ng ransom ang parents mo? (Your parents haven’t experienced paying ransom?)

Pare, magkano inabot? (How much was your total damage, er, cost?) 

Uy, ang cute!  Anong breed? (Aww, so bonny sweet, what’s her breed?)

Wow!  Ang shota mo, ang sarap i-Photoshop. (Wow!  Your girlfriend is perfect to digitally retouch.)

Pare, ano na nga bang M — Mabait o Mayaman?

(Brother, what is it, really?  Well-bred or much bread?) 

Wow! Ang girlfriend mo kamukha ni Anne Curtis, sa pelikulang Kampanerang Kuba. (Wow!  Your girlfriend is like actress Anne Curtis, in the role of The Hunchback Bell Ringer.)

Wow!  Ulam na ulam sa sarap ang itsura ng girlfriend mo — ulam na tuyo. (Wow!  Your girlfriend is like a popular native dish — salted, dried fish.)

Pare, hindi ka ba naaawa sa mga magiging anak ninyo? (Don’t you pity your future children?) 

Pare, Pinoy ka!  Pinoy ka!  Itanim mo yan sa kokote mo.  Hindi ka matandang foreigner na desperado.

(My friend, you are a Filipino, repeat, a Filipino!  {shaking him vehemently}.  You are not some last-grasp, last-ditch, octogenarian with an expiring visa.

Uy, dali! Abutan mo ng saging! (Quick!  Hand her a banana.)

 We all passed that stage when we shared more secrets with our friends than with our own mothers.  My son was no exception.

Once, on a visit to him, I noticed the profusion of feminine objects in his flat:  Monogrammed towels, personalized stationery, mauve candles, museum artifacts, a greenhouse with planters, orchids and hydrangeas, and a neatly-stocked gift-wrapping corner.  The antennas went up.  I didn’t waste any time to pry, “Anak, do you have a room mate who is a girl?”  He laughed.  “No mom, but I’m seeing a girl.  All those things you see in my flat were token gifts from her.”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

 â€œNo, mom, she’s just a good friend.”

I wasn’t satisfied with his answer so I turned to one of his closest friends.  “Tell me, what do you think?  Is the girl in that framed photograph his girlfriend?  He replied, “Don’t worry, Tita.  She’s not the one.”

 â€œIf she’s not, how come it looks like half of his flat is so frou-frou fräulein?”

“Trust me, Tita” he said.  “She’s not going to carry his name.”  Finally, a guarantee. I drew a deep sigh of relief.  His father was not taking any chances either.  Putting his arm on his shoulder, he said, “Son, I hope you find someone who is not only pious, smart, hardworking, kind, charming, and can cook, but is gorgeous and beautiful as well.” 

It was a tall order but what father has not dreamed of a mythical Venus or Diana for a daughter-in-law?  For me, I was happy with a whiz kid in the kitchen.   

If your child is still on the prowl, in search of that someone who is favored by the gods (and parents), let his friends joke, laugh, and exchange guffaws.  Who knows?  These unsolicited comments may fall heavy as stones on his head and bring him back to his senses and pull him back on track.  The quest goes on:  To find a John Keats’ thing of beauty to bring home to mother dear.          

 Tama, pare ko?

 Right, buddy?