When the honeymoon is over and couples start living separate lives

DEAR EPPY, 

I’ve been married for 15 years with three kids. I feel discontent with my spouse.  I feel an emotional disconnection with him. I thought it was okay and that things could be worse.  Now, I realize that I am lonely.  I tried talking to my spouse about something “lacking” in our marriage, but he just can’t get it.  We don’t laugh together as much anymore. I don’t share my day or my thoughts with him like I used to.  He is always with his gadgets when we are at home. 

Since we don’t emotionally connect, for me, I feel our lovemaking is bland.  But he seems okay with how things are.  He is a good man and a good father.  I want to bring back that loving feeling and love him again.  But it is difficult for me because I somehow feel angry at my husband for neglecting me.

I want to love my husband again. But I’m stuck because I feel so depleted from his neglect. This is what made me indulge in an extramarital affair with a man. My conscience condemns me for this! The only thing that keeps me going is my children.   Unhappy wife

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE, 

This is my observation of couples.  In the beginning of their married life (or life together without the benefit of marriage), everything is bliss.  As time goes by, the bliss wanes.  The happiness lingers for a while, but later on, contentment seeps in.  When contentment is felt, the partners take things for granted.  The partners start living separate lives.  Then disconnectedness follows.  Yet, physically they are together.  This is when the problem starts.

Communication is one of the sources of conflict in any relationship.  For people to communicate effectively, there are two objects necessary — the transmitter and the receiver.  Failure in communication may be due to a problem in transmitting or a problem in receiving.  It is possible that your husband may have problems in understanding, but there is also a probability that you may have difficulty passing on the message effectively. 

You say your husband is a good man and a good father.  For you to want to love him again, it gives me the impression that you fell out of love with this man and want to get the feeling back.  You may have fallen out of love because you started to see characteristics in him that you were not happy about.  Possibly, he started acting immature by playing with his gadgets.  But we all have this.  See if you do this as well.  No one’s perfect. 

I have heard of men who are immature.  These men are excited about their toys, forgetting that there are people in their lives that they need to relate to.  But if your husband is a good father, then that means he was able to give enough time to your children.  If he is a good man, then I am assuming that he is not abusive to you or your children.  Immature men are abusive.

You succumbed to your desire for another man because that is how you cope with problems.  That was your choice.  Your husband’s failure to fulfill your needs only gives you disappointment.  His failure does not instruct you to look for another man in order for you to feel good about life.  There are many options in dealing with disappointments.  You have chosen that option.  You can’t blame your husband for your choices.  But no one has the right to judge you for taking that option either.

In the article entitled “The Expectations Trap,” by Hara Estroff Marano, published by Psychology Today, the author explains that couples drift apart in time.  One partner makes the other partner responsible for his or her happiness, faulting the other partner for unmet needs.  To make things worse, couples experience disappointment and perceive this as the beginning of the end of the relationship. 

Hara cited a case study that is similar to your case.  In this case study, the wife married a great guy.  After a while, she didn’t see her husband as great anymore.  She became depressed and gave her husband a list of her “unmet needs.”  The intention of the list was to make her feel loved by making the husband change.  But the day after she gave her list to her husband, the husband dies due to a freak accident.  She realized that out of so many needs written in the list, her husband’s death only allowed her to meet one need.  This need was to put all the glasses next to the sink, which she could not do so before. 

This realization made her say, “… marriage isn’t about my needs or his needs or about how well we communicate about our needs.  It’s about loving and being loved.  Life is about meeting (or letting go of) my own needs.  Marriage is about loving another person and receiving love in return.  It suddenly became oh-so- clear that receiving love is something I make happen, not him.” 

I agree with this woman, but even more.  I have to say that loving someone is about loving without the issue of expectation.  We were born to love.  It is one of the gifts given to us so our specie will survive.  Our need is to be able to express our ability to love.  If we expect others to express their ability to love, then we neglect to express our own ability to love.  Then we suffer while waiting because that person will not express it until he or she is ready to.  And because we were not able to express this ability to love, our emotional tension increases.  

My recommendation is for you to seek a psychotherapist to help you identify your needs and life issues.  Your therapist can help you identify where your feelings of loneliness are coming from.  This will help you lessen your need to make your husband responsible for your happiness.  This will also help you communicate with your husband without the blaming, helping you improve your relationship with him.

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.