No one deserves to be alone in this world, no matter what your psychological condition is

Dear Mr. Eppy,

I have been married for 10 years now.  My husband and I have two children. But eight years ago, I made a huge mistake by giving up my third child for adoption.  My husband and I were 23 years old then.  At that time, my husband was about to finish college and my sister-in-law was about to give birth as well.  All expenses were shouldered by my mother-in-law. I thought it would be harder for us to make a living if I kept my child. I told the family of my husband that I had a miscarriage. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t do what I did. I have already forgotten all about this event. 

From that time till the present, my husband and I would always have our ups and downs. Then, last November, my husband suddenly stopped coming home.  He would come home sometimes early in the mornings. We hardly talk. We are not intimate anymore.  I try hugging him and talking to him, but he refuses to accept affection from me.  The day before Valentine’s Day this year, he told me that he was tired of me.  He complained about the house being a mess, me not taking care of myself and my health, and my refusal to accept help from him to improve myself. You see, in the past, he would try talking to me about this, but I would frown and show disinterest. He also complained about my past decision to give up our child for adoption. I tried explaining to him why I did that, but he said he was not interested anymore.  

He says he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He confessed he was having an affair and that’s the reason why he doesn’t come home anymore. He says my children and I can only spend time with him on Sundays.  I’m hurt when he says he has sex with the woman he is having an affair with. 

He thinks that the reason I’m still with him is because I feel guilty of giving up my third child.  I am sure that even if I didn’t give up my child for adoption I would still stay by his side because I love him. 

He said he blames himself for the adoption issue.  He said if it weren’t for his inability to financially support a family that wouldn’t have happened.  He said that I clean the house now because I want to win him back.  He wants separation.

What should I do?  Should I fight for him?  Should I give him space till he is ready to come back? I asked him to give me another chance.  Should I?  Will it ever be the same again for us?

Broken Woman

Dear Broken Woman,  

When I took my master’s in Counseling Psychology, I was lucky enough to have Fr. Jaime Bulatao as my professor during my first two semesters.  I remember taking Abnormal Psychology under him.  The one thing that stuck in my mind was when he said, “When a person does things, whether it is right or wrong, if emotions are lacking, then that is a problem.” 

I notice that your letter lacks details.  It lacks emotions.  Perhaps you had difficulty expressing yourself or you were in a hurry to write me and sent the letter without reading it again, which made your letter look as though it was devoid of feelings.  If this were the case, then my apologies for what I am about to write.  I have to call it the way I see it. 

People’s attitude will always manifest in their behavior and choices.  This is a list of my concerns regarding your letter:

1) You mentioned that your husband had always wanted you to take care of your health, reminding you again and again to do something about it.  But you ignored him repeatedly.  Do you know the rarity of a husband wanting you to be healthy?  Yet, you ignored his concern and instead showed annoyance and irritation.  What makes you want to keep him if you can’t appreciate his concern for you?  

2) You said you made a mistake about giving up your child.  Did you say this because your husband is giving you a bad time now or is it because you feel the guilt of having done so?  Your letter does not seem to portray a woman in grief for abandoning her child.  Instead, your letter shows misery due to the possibility of losing a husband.

3) You said, “If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t do what I did.”  Then you nullify this statement by immediately saying, “I have already forgotten all about this event.”  How can you want to turn back time for you not to abandon your child if you have already forgotten about it?  Abandoning one’s own child is not an easy thing to do.  It leaves a mark and one can’t help but remember it for the rest of one’s life.

4) Notice how your husband blames himself for your decision to give up your child?  It’s called guilt, a natural human response due to a need to repair things and make things right.  It’s interesting to me that you were able to write about your husband’s guilt but you were not able to write something about your own guilt.

5) In an earlier statement you said, “… eight years ago, I made a huge mistake by giving up my third child for adoption.”  From what perspective?  This can mean that you see this act as a mistake because of the present situation where your husband faults you for the adoption and not because you feel for your child. 

6) Lastly, you said the reason you had to let go of your third child was because you think it might be harder for you and your husband to make a living if you kept the child.  This says a lot about how you think.  You gave your child up because of an imagined threat and not because there was a real threat.  

The above concerns imply that you lack emotions when it comes to relating with others.  The need to keep your husband may be a dependency need and not because it comes from the more mature kind of love.  This may be the reason why your husband is not interested anymore in what you have to say about your child.  After years of being with you, he may have already identified that you don’t feel for him or anyone else.   

When he showed you he cared for you, you only showed him irritation, annoyance, and disinterest.  Now, he has his convictions about how you are as a person.  This is affirmed when you said, “He said that I clean the house now because I want to win him back.”  This gives him no other choice but to look for someone who will listen to him and appreciate him.  He obviously found someone else. 

As I mentioned above, if I am right, you need to seek professional help.  No one deserves to be alone in this world no matter what your psychological condition is.  If you have a condition, then people around you should know so they would be able to understand you, and be more patient and accepting of you.  If your husband hears what your psychologist has to say, he may be more compassionate towards you and might reconsider his position about leaving you.  However, if he feels he does not want to deal with your condition, then that’s his right. Eppy 

* * *

E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.