‘Am I a certified sex addict?’

Dear Eppy, 

I am a 40-year-old single man who comes from a middle-class family and a prestigious school.  Many say that I look much younger than my age, like I’m in my early 30s.  I consider myself a “sex adventurer” who enjoys trying out new escapades and who is very easily aroused by the presence of young, pretty, and sexy women especially when they’re clad in skimpy attire.  Armed with a mountain of X-rated DVD films at home, I masturbate almost on a daily basis (sometimes two to three times a day), if aroused, and whenever I go out and see good-looking young women in tight office attire like mini-skirts, I feel the strong urge to have sex with them right then and there. I fantasize about young pretty office ladies, waitresses, stewardesses, female movie ushers, promo girls, and even female students. 

I started spending a small fortune on massage parlors, girlie bars, and nightclubs for  “short-time” sex, most of them with two ladies at the same time. But now, I’m trying something new.  I find it more arousing and enjoyable to check into five-star hotel suites and then call  female escorts into my suite and have sex with them there. Although I spend quite a sizable fortune on expensive hotel suites, high-class call girls and condoms, and other safety equipment (since I always practice safe sex), I feel it’s more convenient because I can take my time and spend the night there without having to go out.  I’m currently researching on new five-star hotels that I can go to in the future for more “sexcapades” and have prepared another small fortune to live my ultimate sex fantasy. 

 After what I’ve told you, do you think I am a certified sex addict?

Casanova

Dear Casanova,

John Hannah of People interviewed Dr. Alvin Cooper, a professor of psychiatry at the Stanford University and a sexual behavior expert treating “sex addicts.”  Hannah defined “sexual addiction” as “a term used by many psychologists to describe compulsive, self-destructive sexual behavior that may jeopardize a marriage or a career.”  However, Alvin Cooper prefers to use the phrase “sexual compulsion.”  Sexual compulsion makes people experience anxiety when they don’t “act out” a sexual act. 

People who have “sexual compulsion” use sex in “… self-destructive and maladaptive ways.”  Dr. Cooper gave five criteria for sexual compulsion.  These are:

1) Denial — the person tries to convince himself that there’s nothing wrong in what he is doing.

2) There’s a need to stop the behavior or control it.

3) Spends most of his time on sexual activities.

4) “Acting out” the sexual act affects the social activities, work activities, and other activities that most people do.

5) Continues the sexual behavior even if the consequences are great.  Dr. Cooper identifies masturbation and serial affairs as the frequent activities of people with sexual compulsion. 

Although the activities you have shared seem to point to sexual compulsion, you also need to consider other things.  If you aren’t working, which is implied because you wrote of a school but not of a company you might be working in, then you may have too much time on your hands that makes you seek activities that are pleasurable to spend your time.  You didn’t mention a relationship.  You may be lonely and to fill the void, you preoccupy yourself with sex.  You say you are middle class, but you spend money on female escorts and high-end hotels.  Sounds like you’ve been so pampered by your parents.  I’m guessing your parents made you think that you don’t have to work for the rest of their lives because they have done it for you.  Consequently, you don’t value money at all.  If this is the case, then that is not sex addiction or sex compulsion. 

If you think you have been so pampered by your parents and it continues to this day, then I think you should evaluate your life and ask yourself if you are happy about how your life has turned out.  If you’re happy with that, then I’d say now you’ve found a reason why you’re so preoccupied with sex.  That’s how it’s going to be for the rest of your life.  That is, till you decide to change how your life would be.  But you’re not a sex addict.  I would suggest, though, that you seek a therapist to help you reflect on your life and make you see if you have other options than just thinking of sex all the time. 

I think that you don’t have a healthy perception of what women are.  You seem to see them as toys and objects that can be used like things that can be bought and discarded whenever you want to.  There is another way of seeing women.  You can also see them as companions or equals who have feelings.  Learning to be sensitive to them will help you be a better human being.  Moreover, maybe you also think that men are things you can order around or dismiss when you want to.  

If you decide, based on my response, that you are indeed a “sex addict” or someone who has “sexual compulsion,” then I also suggest that you seek a therapist’s help because Dr. Cooper says it’s treatable and you don’t have to be this way for the rest of your life.

Eppy

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.