‘I feel so alone, so unworthy of being loved’

DEAR EPPY, 

I always read your article.  I’m 24 years old, single, and graduated college in 2007.  I am working now and studying for another degree so my career will move upwards.  When I was in high school, my parents were very strict.  They always advised me to study hard.  They strictly forbade me from entertaining boyfriends.  But, as a teenager, I fell in love with my classmate.  I loved him.

I entertained my classmate’s romantic advances and we became a couple.  But after two weeks, he broke up with me.  My parents never knew about this relationship.  He says he loves his ex-girlfriend more than I.  I was so hurt.  Every night, I would cry till graduation day.  I feel so rejected even now.  I felt so ugly when he left me.  That’s why after my high school graduation, I promised myself never to be weak when it comes to men. 

It’s been eight years, but I still feel the pain.  Everyone I liked didn’t like me back.  I feel so unworthy of being loved.  I feel so alone.  Now, I have a “sugar daddy” because I want someone to love me even if I am in the losing end.  It doesn’t matter if men are committed to someone else, I will accept them just so I can take away this pain. 

I feel all men are worth nothing.  Once they get what they want, they will leave you.  I am so angry.  I don’t know why they don’t want me.  I gave my all, but it was not enough.  Now, I don’t have friends.  I just stay home, go to work and school.  All I feel is hurt and anger.  I can’t forgive those who left me.  Sometimes, I blame my parents.  I am so jealous of women who have a family, husband, and children.  I’m so scared to be alone.  I think I deserve to be alone forever. 

Heartbroken Woman

Dear Heartbroken Woman,

I am not so sure about what has transpired between you and your first love.  I will enumerate the possibilities:

a) Your ex-boyfriend may have broken up with his girlfriend and needed to be with someone and you were there till he was ready to go back to her.  In a way, you were his savior till he was ready to fly again.

b) He could have fallen in love with you even if he had a girlfriend, but you might have felt that making him love you more meant giving him good sex.  Usually, with men, “falling in love” means their genitals need to be satisfied.  For you to make them love you, you have to make them long for you for quite some time.  Meaning, the more you deprive them of sex, the more they want to know more about you.  The more they know you, the more it will be difficult to leave you.  When you give in sexually during the first few days of saying “yes” to him, then his need is met and it’s time to leave.  One year of making him wait is too short. 

c) Your personalities don’t match.

d) He wanted sex from you, but you didn’t give in.  Knowing he can’t get sex from you, he left.  His loss, not yours.

e) It may just be as plain as your boyfriend is a degenerate and don’t know how to treat women well.

My point is, you seem to choose to believe that there is only one reason why he left you.  That is, you are ugly.  But did you ever think that you might not be the reason for your ex-boyfriend leaving you? 

You mentioned that you want to fault your parents for your romantic problems.  But think about it, did you really follow your parents?  No.  But you might have responded to your parents’ plea to give education a priority.  Maybe you accommodated this not because they said this but because you actually like education.  You might be an extraordinarily intelligent girl who is not like most girls.  Your focus might be about education that your ex-boyfriend didn’t know how to respond to that.  There are a lot of beautiful girls who don’t have a boyfriend because they really aren’t into pleasing men or trying to make themselves beautiful for a man.  These women just do what they do best at work and in school.

Other women make beautification a priority because their need to get a man is enormously strong.  If you are an intelligent girl, the worse thing for you is cooing while talking to a man.  You also may be the type of girl who think that fussing over a fingernail is silly.  Maybe your ex-boyfriend is into girls who coo, fuss over fingernails, and become hysterical about a spot on their dress. 

You should be proud of yourself that you give education priority.  It is admirable that you work and study at the same time.  One day there will be a man who will appreciate you for these qualities.  There are guys who appreciate women like you.  You seem to be an ambitious girl.  I think it’s about time you stopped blaming yourself for not having a boyfriend.  Instead, start appreciating yourself. 

At 24 years old, you have more than enough time to find a man for you.  Settling for a “sugar daddy” that you’re not happy with might be a habit.  In time, you’d get used to it and before you know it, you’re 50 years old and not happy.  Not that it’s wrong to fall in love with older men.  Fall in love with older men because you like them an d not because you think no one else will fall in love with you.  The more you think of yourself as trash, the more you send out messages to men that you are trash and you get to attract trash all the time instead of attracting men who are your type. 

Give yourself some credit.  Learn to let go of the past.  How?  Is your ex-boyfriend really a good catch?  How can that be if he is fickle minded about women?  Is he as intelligent and ambitious as you are?  Not that he has to be, but I am just trying to point out that he might not be the best man to be with.  Whatever happened, learn from it.  I like the quote, “Turn your stumbling block into a stepping stone.”  Make a list of all your positive traits.  Look at the positives in your life, not only the negatives.  You seem to be unappreciative of your life.  You don’t need to compare yourself with others.  Just appreciate what you have and how you are as a person.

If my response doesn’t help you change the way you feel, I suggest you go to a psychotherapist who can help you have a better perspective of life. 

EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.