When children have flown the coop

The phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Is this my Mom?”

“Who’s this?”

“Mom, this is your only son.”

“Anak, are you all right?”

“Mom, you’re the hardest person to track down. Where have you been and what are you doing?”  

Can this be true? Have I finally gotten so used to not seeing my son at home that I didn’t even recognize his voice? I laughed nervously. You know, it could also be a case of this mother enjoying her freedom regained.

It goes both ways.   

Remember when your son’s perspective was limited only to you and to his father? My son nearly tattooed it on his arm, “Mom, I will always sleep with you and Dad even if I already have a girlfriend — nah, a wife.” It was music to my ears. Imagine that? He would never exchange me for any girl. He was nine.

When he turned 14, I waved out the window as he went to school and he hollered, “Mom, stop waving, I’m already late.”

The following year, I wailed like the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz because we enrolled him in a boarding school where the sun hits the surrounding mountains bathed in a pink glow. But first, to welcome new boarders, the school was taking the whole class to Disneyland. “He’ll be fine,” his father said; and I thought so, too. 

We were preparing him for living a life on his own. No more day-after-day supervision, no chores, no curfew, no house rules. In exchange, the training and discipline of living away would have gained him confidence and independence. He would learn to choose well, if not accept the consequences of his choices. He would learn to live and interact with people outside his protected environment who were not expected to cuddle him but challenge, compete with and test him. We wanted to build his character so that he would learn to accept disappointments, go past them and emerge stronger and wiser. 

When I got home, I opened the door to his bedroom and, from the past, faintly heard this dialogue in my memory:

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think Tita Chiqui will find my missing E.T.?”

“E.T. will be home before you know it. Just two more sleeps.” (The movie ET: The Extra-terrestrial was a hit in 1982.)

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s play the good hand and the naughty hand.”

“Oh, all right. Just once and then you go to sleep.” 

“Mom, what do you do to fall asleep?”

“Pray and listen to music. Now, go to sleep.”

“Mom?”

“WHAAAT?” (My patience was running thin.) 

“I was just going to say, ‘You’re the best mom.’”

“And you’re the best son. Now, go to sleep.”

It seemed so recent, and so nice, in retrospect.

We were deeply anxious over the correctness of our motives to leave him in a boarding school. Was it right? When we weighed all the pros and cons, and after lifting our doubts in prayer, we came to a conclusion: enough soul-searching.

I kept his room intact and aired it every day. When I cleared his closet, I found a box filled with baby clothes neatly stacked with a faded flannel blanket. A gentle breeze wafted up the smell of baby powder and citrus cologne. I held the blanket close and thought, I used to wrap him like a lumpia in this.

What can one do to snap out of the Empty Nest blues?

 â€¢ Let your child get used to not seeing you every day. That means, DO NOT CALL but be quick to answer if he/she calls. 

 â€¢ Pick up activities you temporarily shelved when the kids took over your life. Was that playing backgammon, badminton, book club, wushu or tai-chi, painting, reiki, or even going back to school? Do not allow yourself to be overcome by nostalgia, feelings of abandonment or loss of purpose.

 â€¢ Get reacquainted with your spouse. Remember how you began as a couple? You’re back as a couple so squeeze some time each day to spend it as a twosome — movie date, church advocacy, travel, watch shows and concerts, etc. And for those testy, short-fused days when things get “too close for comfort”…

 â€¢ Diffuse them by connecting with other empty nesters. Eat out, throw a party, sing and dance to your music. Yesterday, we sang to Dave Clark Five’s Because and two of my gorgeous chums danced the “bye-bye” to our sheer delight. (Baby Boomers, you’ll know what I mean.)

 â€¢ If you picked up some thrifty habits because priority was given to the children, get back into the “spirit of your outfit” by paying attention to your appearance and updating your dated wardrobe.

• Time also to upgrade or simplify your lifestyle depending on what suits you or what you are comfortable with. 

ʉۢ When you feel like it, do absolutely nothing. Sleep long, be lazy.

It has been 26 years since I first packed my son’s suitcase to leave home. What advice can I give? It’s twofold: 

 â€¢ Children: Visit your parents as often as you can and shower them with love and attention and patience. No matter what age you are, your parents will still think of you as their “cutie patooties” who melted their hearts and pried open their wallets.

 â€¢ Parents: Welcome your children by cooking their favorite dishes, reminding them of the family values that you raised them with and opening to them the comforts of home that they will long remember. Try hard not to be a pain in the derriere. Give thanks and find delight in seeing your babies all fully grown, ready and equipped to build a nest of their own.         

 The phone rang.

“Hello?” 

“Is this my Mama?”

“Who’s this?”

“Mama, this is your only daughter.”

I wheezed in disbelief. Shoot! I did it again. I cleared my throat and merrily sang:  

“Anak, are you all right?”