Yes, there are battered husbands, too

DEAR EPPY, 

I’m a manager handling more than 120 people in a good company.  At work, I feel competent and able.  Most people at work are under me and they all listen to what I have to say.  It is different at home.  Every day, my wife faults me for everything.  We have three children, a girl and then two boys following her.  She faults me about not giving our children time or about giving equal time to every child.  Sometimes she complains that I am not yet the vice president in the company I work for.  When I complain about how she treats me, she starts crying and blames me for her unhappiness.  Her biggest excuse to hurt me is that I cheated on her.  

I am not cheating on her now.  But I fell in love with an employee at work who listened to me about my problems.  I shared my marital problems with her.  We fell in love.  I slept with her once.  Then my wife found out about our relationship and threatened that I would never see my children again.  So I stopped seeing this other woman.  I resent my wife because she doesn’t work, yet treats me like a dog.  Before, she just scolds me.  Now, she throws things at me.  Her excuse is because I cheated on her.  What should I do?

TORTURED 

DEAR TORTURED,

It is common to hear about battered wives.  Battered wives are women abused physically, sexually, emotionally, and verbally by their husbands.  Men are much stronger than women, which makes them prone to abusing their wives.  A lot of reports about wife battery are easily documented because when men hit their wives, there are marks seen in women.

But men can also be battered by their wives.  It is possible that you are being battered by your wife.  Although she cannot overpower you physically, she can still overpower you emotionally and verbally. 

When you marry someone, it is explicitly written in the contract that you cannot be unfaithful to the other party.  Thus, if a person gets married and cheats, it means that there is psychological dissonance.  Simply put, there is something wrong with the person who cheats again and again.

In your case, you sounded as if you cheated because of an overwhelming need to feel “loved” or “cared for” by someone.  This is not to give you an excuse.  Rather, this is to make sense of your letter to me.  It would seem that your wife has been abusing you for quite some time  now, even before the cheating.  I am almost certain that you don’t even know that you are a victim of abuse.

Most men will not admit to anyone that their wives abuse them because they feel ashamed that a woman hits them.  In 2003, Michel Marriott wrote in Essence, “…the only thing worse than being accused of hitting a girl was being hit by one.”  It sounds funny, but it’s true.  What man would go around telling people he was hit by his wife? 

People say that there are a lot of reports that men batter their wives.  However, it doesn’t mean that men aren’t battered.  Marriott reports that a study done by Professor Murray Strauss shows that  “… the rate of violence for women was 124 per 1,000 couples compared with 122 per 1,000 for men.” 

My suggestion is for you to go to a good therapist or counselor for couples.  You need to address the abuse by your wife.  I’m hearing only half of the story.  You may be abusing your wife as well.  If so, both of you are in an abusive relationship.  Whether you are a battered husband or the two of you are in an abusive relationship, you have to seek help so the abuse will stop in your generation and will not be transferred to the next generation.

EPPY

* * *

‘Help! I’m confused about my sexuality’

DEAR EPPY,

I am 20 years old and I’m female.  I’m still in college and I think at my age I have a colorful life more than anyone.  I have experienced so many things already.  When I was in first year high school, I had a very close girl friend.  We treated each other as if we were romantic partners, but we never had sex.  I was very excited while I was in that relationship because my girl friend made me feel good about myself.  But that relationship ended in my sophomore year.  

When I was in first year college, I had a boyfriend.  I didn’t have sex with him, too. He was nice to me and attentive, too. He made me feel important. After one year, I learned that he was flirting with someone so I left him.  

I didn’t know that there are a lot of sexual orientations until I read your column a few weeks back. I’m kind of confused about my sexuality. What am I? Am I a lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or even something else? I’m confused. Why did I even consider a romantic relationship with a girl when I was in high school? 

MS. SEXUAL 

DEAR MS. SEXUAL,

Sigmund Freud, one of the most influential theorists in psychology, believed that human beings have both male and female sides to them.  During the younger years, humans are supposed to be homosexuals.  In their teens, they become bisexuals.  In early adulthood, humans supposedly have already developed into heterosexuals.  The problem with this theory is that it gives rise to the interpretation or implication, although not the intention of Sigmund Freud, that a person is not fully developed if the person has not developed into a fully heterosexual person.  Sigmund Freud believes that a person’s experiences will determine the sexuality during adulthood.

Although Sigmund Freud’s theories have been contested by so many, your description of your “romantic” life seems to confirm Sigmund Freud’s theory of human sexual development.  Thus, it was a natural process that you had to go through, wanting to be around people of your sex type during your pre-teens.  Then later, as you matured to a young lady, you tended to be attracted to the opposite sex. 

You will know your sexual orientation based on the object of your sexual pleasure.  If you derive sexual pleasure from a man, then you are heterosexual.  If you derive sexual pleasure from a woman, then you are homosexual.  If you derive pleasure from both man and woman equally, then you are a bisexual. 

It could be that when you were in high school, your need for attention and care was being fulfilled by a female homosexual.  However, it wasn’t necessary that the female was satisfying a sexual need, especially so that you didn’t engage in the sexual act of homosexuality. 

In early college, you might have had the same need fulfilled by your ex-boyfriend.  There’s a possibility that this male was not also satisfying a sexual need.  Rather, he may by satisfying your need to be important to someone and the need to feel cared for.  This may stem from lack of attention from your own family.

I think you need to resolve your issues about being unloved.  You need to seek counseling to help you reflect on your perceptions of self in relation to family.  I would think that your doubt regarding your sexuality cloaks your issues of rejection in your family.  Thus, your conscious thoughts surround your feelings of rejection because of your sexuality, but your unconscious thoughts surround your feelings of rejection by your family. 

EPPY

* * *

E-mail eppygochangco@yahoo.com.