Is there such thing as an asexual man?

DEAR EPPY,

I’m 55 years old, bisexual, single, and bipolar.  I got Dr. A (name withheld due to reference to a celebrity) as my shrink in 2004.  He is 49 years old, single, and trained at one of the hospitals in Quezon City (institution’s name withheld).  The doctors in that hospital said he is bakla (gay).  He is dashing.  I fell in love with him.  My world revolved around him.  He said it couldn’t be because it was unethical.

What is the meaning of unethical?  Does it mean when it isn’t unethical, it can be?  He’s into porn, but denies masturbating. I admit I masturbate. I couldn’t get another shrink because, for me, he was the best.

But last June, I changed my doctor and I got worse. He took care of my panic attacks and erectile dysfunction.  I also have a problem with porn and masturbation.  I’m a born-again Christian and our faith hates porn and masturbation.  Dr. A always says that he’s asexual.  Is there such a thing as an asexual man? 

Please help! I’m celibate.

MR. CONFUSED 

DEAR MR. CONFUSED,

It is not clear to me what it is you’d like for me to help you with.  However, it is clear that you want to know if there is such a thing as an asexual man.  I will try my very best to tackle and dissect each paragraph to get to all your concerns.

To answer your query about asexual, there is such a thing as an asexual man.  Asexual is one of the sexual orientations.  Asexuals do not have any attraction or lack experiencing attraction towards anything.  The other sexual orientations are: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and polysexual.  Heterosexuals are attracted to the opposite sex.  Homosexuals are attracted to the same sex.  Bisexuals are attracted to the two sexes.  Pansexuals are attracted to people, ignoring their gender identity, biological sex, or sexuality (therefore all types of people).  Polysexuals are attracted to many sexes.  Bisexuals shouldn’t be mistaken for a polysexual because the polysexuals’ attraction is not limited to two sexes or two genders only.

Although polysexuals like many types of people, they also discriminate. For example, a female polysexual may fall in love with a heterosexual male, a homosexual male, a homosexual female, a bisexual male, a bisexual female, an asexual, but not a heterosexual female or another polysexual female.  A pansexual, on the other hand, will not discriminate any of the other sexual orientations or other sexualities.  For example, aside from all the sexual orientations mentioned above, pansexuals may also fall in love with a person who indulges in bestiality (attraction to animals), or indulges in necrophilia (sexually attracted to corpses).  Considering the given sexual orientations, it is possible that the celebrity you mention is asexual.  However, asexuals are a rare occurrence.

When your shrink said that it is unethical, it did not mean that it is unethical for you to fall in love with him.  You may fall in love with him as much as you want, but his ethics does not allow him to act on his feelings if ever he falls in love with you.  Instead, he should behave as if he had no feelings for you.  As a professional, he should protect his patients at all times.  This includes protecting his patients from his (the therapist’s) own sexual aggressions or romantic feelings.  If he fails to do this, then he ends up benefitting from the client.  Even if you say, “Oh, I don’t mind that he sexually benefits from me because I’ll be benefitting from him,” it is still his duty not to take advantage of your feelings. 

You say that he is into porn.  For you to say this, it is implied that Dr. A gave you the information that he was into porn.  Therapists sometimes share some aspects of their lives if they feel it can help the patient get a wider perspective of things.  There are a lot of risks, but it is sometimes done for the benefit of the patient.  Self-disclosure is a point of debate in mental health.  If a patient asks a psychiatrist or psychologist about personal things, the best always is for the professional to divert the attention right back to the patient. 

There are cases when a professional may use a personal situation to help patients accept certain parts of reality.  For example, if a patient lost a pet and is concerned about feeling sad after three months, the therapist may want to inform the patient of the fact that it is still normal.  It is possible for the therapist to say, “It is normal to be sad about the loss of a pet for three to six months.”  Then, the therapist might add (although risky because of boundaries issues), “When I lost my pet, I grieved for four months.”  Of course, this can be a source of debate among professionals.  Whether this is considered a mistake by professionals or not, it would be less damaging than if a professional would inform the patient that he likes to watch pornography.  If Dr. A did inform you of that, then it was unwise as it would cause you to be swayed towards a certain way of thinking.  As Cristelle T. Audet and Robin D. Everall said in the British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, “It can be argued that disclosing personal information that does not always directly involve the client (e.g., “I once experienced a panic attack during a presentation”) is more contentious as it creates a greater risk for boundary transgressions.” 

I am assuming right now that you changed your shrink because Dr. A told you that your feelings for him are unethical and terminated your therapeutic relationship.  It would be best for him to terminate your therapeutic relationship if he was affected by you, either positively or negatively.  If he was not affected by you in any way, then it was unfortunate that he terminated your relationship.  He could have continued the therapeutic relationship and used your feelings to your advantage instead of making you feel bad about how you felt.  All your feelings are valid.  There’s nothing wrong with them. The two of you could have discussed what you can do with those feelings so you can be productive and happy.

I am quite confused about your condition.  You said you have erectile dysfunction.  How do you go about masturbating while having erectile dysfunction?  I think Dr. A should have explored these conflicting concerns with you. You could be trying to say something but could not consciously do so. Exploring this conflict could have uncovered your main issues. 

My suggestion is for you to consult with someone who can identify your issues instead of making therapy sessions being about your therapist.  Explore issues of rejection because this seems to be the core of your concerns.

EPPY 

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‘I’m confused and frustrated with my career’

DEAR EPPY,

I’m 22 years old, confused, and frustrated with my career life.  I love going out and interacting with different groups or individuals.  Before, I was in sales and enjoyed it a lot.  However, my parents keep on insisting for me to work in our family business.  I do want to work in our family business, but I believe it’s not the right time for me.  I still want to explore things outside of our family business.  Not to mention that being with them 24/7 can make you feel that they often watch your every move.  Whenever I open up to my mother,  it often leads to an argument.  Any advice?  Is this a sign of quarter life crisis as well?  Thanks.

FRUSTRATED LITTLE GIRL  

DEAR FRUSTRATED LITTLE GIRL,

You seem to be an intelligent and insightful young lady.  You know what’s right for you.  I think your plan is valid.  I perceive two issues.  The first is the issue of identity crisis.  The second is about working in your family business. 

It is normal at your age that you are confused about your career.  Erik Erikson is a theorist who believes that humans develop in stages.  Referring to his theory, you are at that stage where it is important for you to explore.  Erik Erikson calls the stage where you are in as Identity vs. Confusion.  Right now, going out and interacting with different people is an important part of a process for you to be able to learn more about life.  It is important for you at this point to explore your independence.  This helps you develop a sense of self.  

Carl Gustav Jung (pronounced yung) is another theorist who also believes that you should be allowed to explore life.  Doing so will help you achieve what he calls “individuation.”  This individuation is similar to Erik Erikson’s “identity.”  Jung sees individuation as an awareness of how you are.  For Jung, your need to search for a career is part of asking “Who am I?” 

Your second issue is about working for your family business.   Right now, because you have not achieved individuation or have not formed your identity, you easily feel threatened by people.  You easily feel that people impose on you.  This is why you feel that if you work for your family now, they will be watching you like a hawk. 

When you have worked for others, you will be able to achieve a sense of being capable.  Working for others will make you feel that even without the help of your family, you will be able to survive in this world.  This is when you will feel a sense of self, a sense of who you are.  This is when you will feel confident about yourself. 

In a family business, it will be difficult for you to achieve individuation and a sense of identity.  This is due to the reactions each member of the family will have in each situation.  Yes, I think it is right for you to work for other companies first.  After one or two years, your self-esteem will be intact.  At that point in time, you can start working for your family without feeling the threat of intrusion from other family members at work.

I noticed that at the beginning of your letter you said, “… my parents keep on insisting for me to work in our family business,” then towards the end of your letter, you said, “Whenever I open up to my mother, it often leads to an argument.”  You seem to have an issue with your mother.  Your conscious thought thinks that your issue is with your parents.  But your unconscious words manifest an issue only with your mother.  Not with your father or with other members of the family.  If you use the word “them” and “they,” then you will overwhelm yourself because you are now dealing with two people instead of one.  You will always think there will be lynching because dealing with more than one person can be threatening.  If your issue is about your mother having difficulty letting go of her little baby girl, then I suggest you go and deal with her separately from the family.  It would be less threatening to deal with this issue.  Remember, your mother is not parents or family.  Your mother is just one person called mother.

EPPY 

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.