‘Is it wrong to masturbate?’

DEAR EPPY, 

I am an avid reader of your column in The Philippine Star. I want to ask you if it is okay to masturbate once a week just to relieve myself from stress even though I feel guilty after doing it.  By the way, is it a sin to God to masturbate?

HANDYMAN 

DEAR HANDYMAN,

Unfortunately, I am not a clergyman.  I am not qualified to say whether masturbation is a sin or not.  This is something you will have to take up with the leader of the particular religion you go to.  One thing I noticed though is that whenever this question is asked, most experts of the Bible would say, “… there was no mention of masturbation in the Bible.”  Then they would explain why it is wrong to masturbate.  Others would directly say that it was implied in the Bible that masturbation was not acceptable.  However, others who read the Bible would refute this.

Your question “…is it okay to masturbate once a week,” seems to be more of asking for permission to masturbate.  Your following statement, “… though I feel guilty after doing it,” reveals where you are coming from.  Guilt is a very ugly feeling.  It makes you do things you don’t want to do and makes you stop yourself from doing things you want to do. 

For sure, you’ve heard from people that “… masturbation can make you: blind or deaf,” and others will say it will make your hand shake.  These are all myths to control people’s sexual behavior.  I know for a fact, due to the cases I’ve handled so far in psychotherapy, that there are people driven to a nervous breakdown because of their beliefs about sex and masturbation. 

Your question seems to ask if masturbation is detrimental to one’s psychological state.  My answer is “… it is not.”  In fact, there was a study published in the Journal of Sex Research entitled “The Effects of a Masturbation Seminar on High School Males’ Attitudes, False Beliefs, Guilt, and Behavior,” with the goal of finding ways to change the way boys see masturbation.  The study cited other researchers’ and clinicians’ contentions about masturbation.  Their position expresses that masturbation is a necessary factor in “self-exploration, definition of body image, and setting of ego boundaries.”  Simply put, masturbation can help in making us know ourselves more by being aware of our bodies’ reaction to certain events.  It also helps us understand that our bodies are not other people’s bodies and other people’s bodies are not our bodies.  

The authors of the study I mentioned cited another researcher claiming that, “… it’s (masturbation) lack of use may be associated with the presence of emotional problems.”  Also, they added that there seems to be an association with feelings of guilt about masturbation and self-esteem.  The more one feels guilt about masturbation, the lower the self-esteem.

So, apparently, science does not see masturbation as detrimental to one’s health.  On the contrary, it seems to believe that masturbation benefits individuals.  For males, masturbation becomes beneficial when they have premature ejaculation problems.  Apparently, masturbation is used as a way to train a male in controlling ejaculation.  Based on the study by Roy Levin, which was posted in the journal Sexual and Relation Therapy, masturbation increases semen volume. 

Although my response to you puts masturbation in a positive light, it doesn’t mean that excessive masturbation means good health.  Excessive masturbation may not be detrimental to one’s health, but it can indicate a psychological problem, such as sex addiction.  Therefore, like everything else, moderation is good practice. 

EPPY 

* * *

‘I’m 30 and attracted to 50-year-old women. Is there something wrong with me?’

DEAR EPPY,

I am relieved to find a venue for sharing problems and where I’m sure I can get a response from someone who can help.  I read your column about an older woman sharing her concerns about her relationship with a younger man.  This gave me courage to write you and ask what you think about my own experiences.

I am 30 years old and in a relationship with a woman my age.  We’ve been together for quite some time now.  But I have this intense feeling of wanting to have a relationship with an older woman.  I get attracted to women who are in their 50s.  The only reason why I don’t pursue this urge is because it might mean that I am abnormal.  Is there something wrong with me? 

Could it be that this has something to do with my childhood?  When I was a child, around the time I was nine years old, my parents made me live with my mother’s parents who were in their 50s.  My grandparents would make me sleep in their bedroom until I was a teenager.  There was a time, when I was almost 12 years old, when I noticed the panties of my grandmother on the floor.  I thought that the panties might have been worn by my grandmother and were taken off while in the process of lovemaking with my grandfather.  I became very aroused at this thought.  Could this be the reason why I like older women? 

I need to know if there is something wrong with me and if I could do something about this.                                      NIGHT STALKER

DEAR NIGHT STALKER,

There’s nothing psychologically wrong with you.  You sound like you think that the panties of your grandmother are what made you like older women.  But I would think that there might be more to this than just the underwear.  

I would assume that when you were a child, your mother was not nurturing to you.  If there were other women in your mother’s household, they may have been young and inattentive to you as well. This may have caused you to feel alone in this world.  It may be that your need for love and attention was unfulfilled by the women around you.

Your grandmother may have given you the attention that you may have needed so much.  Being the only child in her household, she may have devoted most of her time caring for you.  As a result, you may have associated love and care with a female who is much older than most.  Notice the age of women that takes your interest.  You like 50-year-old women. Yes, your grandmother might be in her late 70s at the moment, but when you were brought to her and your grandfather, she was in her 50s.  

We must consider your age also at that time.  At the age of 11 turning 12 years old, children usually start to become aggressive and sexual.  At this time, the increase in your sexual needs may have begun.  When your grandmother’s undergarment fell from the bed, this may be at the same time you were fantasizing sexually and your body was experiencing an increase in sexual arousal.  Consequently, your sexual experience could have been associated with the undergarment.  The undergarment is associated with your grandmother.  In psychology, we call this classical conditioning.  Classical conditioning is the same principle as when you think of bagoong or fish paste.  You notice yourself salivating because bagoong is associated with sour mangoes.  But you are not aware of the association. 

As I’ve said, there’s nothing wrong with you.  There’s nothing wrong with falling in love with an older woman, as well, just as long as your desire for them is real.                 EPPY

* * *

E-mail: eppygochangco@gmail.com